The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Painful Goodbyes

Today I said my final goodbyes to my baby boy. The appetite stimulant wasn't working anymore. He just decided it was time and so he stopped eating. Except the bugger decided to be strong through a week of not eating. Today though, he could barely get up. So for the afternoon, we treated him to some of his favorite things before he left this world. We let him sleep in the sun in the backyard so he could get a full dose of fresh air. Our vet is very kind and offers the option that someone come out so he could die at home instead of in the cold office of a clinic. He was able to die in peace surrounded by his family.

For those of you that have pets or have lost pets, there is a poem which our vet gave us for our first lost cat. It's called "The Rainbow Bridge". I don't know if other vets have this poem in their clinics, but it's one that my family reads every time we have a pet memorial.

"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together...."

It's not much, but at least for my family it provides somewhat of a sense of comfort.  I hope for others who have pets or have lost pets that you might find some comfort or happiness from this poem too.

For my sweet Silky, our ten years of friendship will not be forgotten. Nobody: cat, human, or any other creature, deserves cancer. Nobody deserves to have to watch loved ones slowly fade away. You will be buried under an agapanthus with a path leading straight to you. You will be wrapped in the same blanket you were once wrapped in before, albeit to clip your nails, and place in your favorite sleeping place: the napkin basket. I will miss you forever. I love you, baby boy.

Silky Bear

Yesterday, I talked at the end of my post about my Silky Bear and how he isn't doing well.  There are some updates now as to what information I have on his health.

This morning we took him to the vet for an ultrasound. We took him first thing knowing the technician would be dropping by at some point during the day and we would just pick him up once he was done. As luck would have it, the technician was also there first thing in the morning, so it we didn't even have to leave him there. The news we received was not as fortunate.

One of his kidneys is larger than the other, which led the vet to believe that he potentially has renal lymphoma. While potentially this is not actually the problem, it is very likely that it is the case. He also has a growth on his shoulder which means it has infiltrated other parts of his body. We were not given an estimate on how much longer he has. To help him eat and be in less pain, he is taking prednisone and an appetite stimulant, but it will not extend his life. For nearly $2,000, we could extend his life for maybe 2 months with chemo. Is it worth it? Probably not. If we choose to only give him prednisone, he might live a normal life until it stops working. We're told that one day, he'll probably stop eating for a couple days in a row at which time we will have to make a decision: put him down or begin chemo or let him suffer. It is not worth so much to get an extra two months, and letting him suffer is definitely out. So it's just a matter of when.

Silky, who has been given many nicknames in his ten, nearly 11 years of life, has been one of my very best friends, my companion, and my constant since I was eight years old. In the time that he's been with me, this huge part Maine Coon mutt, a walking mutton piece with turkey legs for paws, has been a comfort when I have needed him. My fat boy, who has also been mistaken for a raccoon at night, is probably the gentlest cat you'd ever meet. For quite a few years after his rambunctious kitten hood, he would literally come inside (he was an indoor-outdoor cat until he became ill) to eat and sleep. Then he'd go outside and visit the neighbors who had an outdoor cat and left food on their porch. He'd make his rounds around a circle of about four or five houses, each with food left out, poop, then come inside to repeat the cycle.

We'd call him a lazy oaf, because always during the daytime, we'd see him sleeping in various spots including a napkin basket on top of the fridge. When he woke from his cat naps, he'd be ready to go outside again and would sit on a table by the door, looking out the window, meowing every time someone passed as if to say, "Let me out!" If a mailman was there, or the UPS guy, he'd growl, protecting his family and his turf from outsiders. Sometimes, he would sit on a window sill in the kitchen, watching the birds make a nest in the awning. He'd chatter his familiar hunting call, stick his paws up on the window and try to get at them.

When we recently got a kitten, he was such a trooper. He batted the cat away and avoided him, but never was mean or hurt the new kitten. He always was and is patient with my little brother who is six. Even when my little brother is being a toad and won’t leave him alone, Silky is still the most loving and calm cat.

He’s also not afraid to fight to protect those he loves. One night a few months ago, I was reading to my little brother when I heard hissing from outside. I went to check to make sure it wasn’t one of my cats and to make sure if it was one of mine, they weren’t hurt. I saw Silky in a stare-down with another neighboring cat. Knowing my bunny bear’s temperament, I thought my Silky bear was getting bullied; so I went to try to break up the fight and chase off the other cat. What ended up happening was the other cat ran across the street after he saw me walking toward him and my fatty ran after him!

I'm not ready to let him go yet. I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I knew one day I'd have to say goodbye, but I thought I'd have so much more time. Losing such an important member of my family is difficult. This will not be the first time we have dealt with a loss of a family pet either. There have been four before him who have passed. Oreo was long before we had a backyard, but his brother Mr. Cinnamon who passed when I was ten, was given the first of our backyard burials. Oreo and Mr. C were both my grandma's cats. It would be a year later that my mom lost 18 year old Trucker. And just a couple years ago, we lost 22 year old Furfle. Each, except for Oreo, was given a rose bush in the backyard as a replacement for headstones. Each was wrapped in their favorite blanket, the one that they claimed and always slept on. When Silky's time comes, and I suspect it will, much sooner than I'd like to admit, he'll probably get the napkin basket as well as a blanket. He means the world to me and  I don't want to let him go.

In Memorium

I haven't blogged in about a week and a half. And it wasn't for lack of things to say.

A friend of mine committed suicide at age 16 last Monday. And honestly, nothing feels like it could ever be the same. He was hit by a train. Today was his Memorial Service. I didn't want to blog about this until I knew more. And I didn't want to blog about anything else until I talked about this.

Walker was amazing. At his memorial, his father said of him, "He taught himself to read at age four. He then read every book in the house. One day I came home and he was holding a book upside down. I told him, 'You looking at it upside down'. He responded, 'No I already read it the right way, not I want to read it this way'". That's the kind of kid he was. He was brilliant. But he was also amazingly artistic. He had a love and fascination for music. I remember this one time, he was so excited. He came into Spanish class and was telling me how the door behind the theater squeaked at just the right pitch and note that he could tune himself to the door for the song. He told me that every day for a week. I didn't have the heart to tell him he'd mentioned it already. He was too excited. But it wasn't just the people who knew him somewhat well who were touched by him. He met my cousin backstage once. Literally, once. When I told her that a friend had passed, she didn't ask who, she just held me. When I mentioned his name offhand, she immediately knew exactly who I was talking about and was saddened. "It was Walker?" She asked. "Oh no! He was so sweet!" After random meeting. Others have said of him, he was able to capture everyone's hearts.

And then there were the spoons. He gave people spoons, just because. Often with faces on them. I wish I'd kept mine though it had no face. Because I know now, I won't get a spoon from him again. Unless he gives them out in heaven. Which honestly, would not surprise me if he did. I can see him now, passing them out to the angels with the biggest grin on his face.

And man did he annoy me sometimes. He was so innocent about it too. He was the kind of person that wanted to be where the people were. So he'd forget that he wasn't allowed in the sound booth. And we'd constantly have o remind him to get out of the sound booth. I'm going to miss that. When I met him four years ago, I don't know that I could have ever known the kind of impact he would have on my life.

I just keep picturing him turning to me and saying, "I'm okay now. Don't worry about me." I wish I could have said goodbye. I wish I could have had one last real conversation with him. But now I guess I'll just have to wait until it's my turn to get to heaven.

For someone my age, I've been to too many funerals and memorials. I don't like it. Not one bit. I know death is inevitable, but this was too early for him. I wish there were a way I could go back in time and do something. Anything. But I can't.

So Walker, I'm so sorry that you're gone, but I hope to see you again someday.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3