The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

New Year's Eve

Hello all!

Firstly, I'd like to wish all my readers a fantastic New Year's! You made it through 2013, but now it's time to create new experiences, memories, and even mistakes. May you be blessed through 2014, creating both experiences and mistakes to learn and grow from, good memories to look back on, and strong new friendships.

And now, some reflections.

2013, for me at least, was such a busy year! Honestly, it was my busiest yet! But not in a bad way. In fact, I enjoyed the busy. Almost always having something to do. My hope for the coming year is to be just as busy with friends and family. (Also on my list: getting a part time job. Not looking forward to that one as much.) Things I've done this year? Well, I graduated high school. I went to my school's version of prom and homecoming. I spent the perfect amount of time with friends. Sure, I had some downfalls. Sometimes, things didn't always look bright. But in retrospect, I feel blessed for every moment I've had.  And I challenge you to look back on your year, briefly, celebrate the good and the bad, then continue to this new year with a positive attitude and absolutely no sadness from the previous year. The past is in the past and now is a clean new year.

So now that we've covered all those shenanigans and motivating words. Let's talk New Year's Eve parties, shall we?

Now, I don't know what kind of celebrations you all have. Maybe you spend the evening with just family, I know my family did that for quite sometime. Maybe you have wild parties. Do you watch the ball drop? Set off fireworks?

Last year, I myself went to a very enthusiastic and loud party at my friend Kayla's place. And while I was invited again this year, I chose instead to spend it at Mrs. I's place with GI, Mr. I, and plenty of familiar people. NH, IN, RP, MJ and so many more. Now, having never been to their annual party, I had no idea what to expect. I think I overdressed a little. Oh well. I like the skirt I wore. Totally worth it. But jeans would probably have been the smarter move. Anywho, it was very much a family style gathering. Apparently, a tradition they have is to celebrate New Year's once at 9:30 (originally for the little kids, who are now in college) and then again at Midnight. I liked that. It was really fun to learn to play so many new games. And, I was able to stay a bit longer to play video games with GI. I actually kind of made progress in Batman: Arkham Asylum! Yay! Progress! And basically, around 2:30 when everyone else left, GI and I pulled an all-nighter to play Batman. Which was really fun! Despite my terror of Killer Croc. Almost worse than Fern Gully. Almost. Anywho, I'm actually about to hit the sack. Despite the fact that it's 7:40, because, I'm exhausted.

But, please, tell me, what was your New Year's Eve like?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Christmas!!

I love Christmas. It's seriously my favorite holiday. I love the time I get to spend with my family. I love watching my little brother in his excitement. Almost every year, he'll open something and say, "IT'S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED.......What is it?" He's so excited about giving too. He had clear ideas this year on exactly what to give people too. His gift to me? My Little Pony stuff. I'm so proud, he knows me so well! I love his enthusiasm for Christmas.

I'm so blessed to have my family.

Anywho, what was your Christmas like? Fave moment? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Hobbit & Denny's: Round 2

So, I know I started this blog before the first Hobbit and Denny's escapade and therefore saying Round 2 probably makes no sense. But I think the title is more for my benefit at this point anyways. I mean, for those people who I know read my blog, *cough* Gregory *cough cough* Travis *cough*, do you actually pay attention to the titles? I'm honestly curious.

Anyways, where was I? Oh right. The Hobbit and Denny's. A little backstory for those readers who weren't there. Which is most of you. Last year, there was a group of people who all went to the Hobbit premiere. Now I can't say much about the movie experience. Because really, I think everybody who is reading my blog knows what it's like to see a movie in theaters. There's not much to say except you sat in a dark room watching a big screen. Now maybe it's different for some people. But for me, that's usually what it's like. Wow. Tangents. Apparently I have lots of them. ANYWAYS. So after we went out and saw the premiere, there were four of us. I believe it was RD, GI, and MH. Correct me, GI, if I'm wrong though. And I can honestly say it's one of my favorite memories of spending time with any of my lunch bunch. If you want to know more of those fave moments, I reference some in my post "To the Guys". Just FYI.

This year, I wanted to do it again. Now, I know, I know, recreating the exact memory would be impossible. Okay. That's fine. But it doesn't mean I couldn't create similar ones, right? So I waited to see The Hobbit until tonight, or I suppose last night and this morning, with all of my lunch bunch. Now true to (almost) every event I ever plan ever, not everyone could make it. Which was sad. But, I think it still worked out. I hate planning things. Planning this especially was nightmarish due to trying to cater to everyone's schedule. However! I managed to figure things out not too terribly! We joined with another group led by MW to actually see the movie. I did not expect that the entirety of the group who went to see the movie would go to Denny's as well. And so, there were about 20 of us (probably a few less) who all came to Denny's around midnight for laughter, friendship, and enjoyment.

I must say, while I will always remember the first time around with Denny's and the first Hobbit movie, this night was perfect. It wasn't at all what I expected and normally, I'd be disappointed that things didn't go according to plan. But this was better. In everyway. I know it wasn't my event (probably why it went so well), but it's probably one of the better things I even attempted to plan. I'd say matched only by bowling back in August.

To you, my dear readers, I ask, how has your weekend been? Do you have fun or exciting plans for the holidays?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Winter NorCal Gathering 2013

Well, today was the winter NorCal gathering of cosplayers and photographers. I really didn't want to pull together a Cosplay at the last minute, so I gathered together some steam-punk stuff that I already had. When I arrived in Fremont for this thing, Lauren, who I was supposed to be meeting was no where to be seen. Of course, I knew she would be running late as she had told me she was leaving half an hour later than myself. However! While I was waiting for her, I met up with Cameron and Amber, who at the last gathering were dressed as x-men. This time Cameron was Supergirl and Amber was Batgirl. I don't remember if I mentioned before, but Amber is the one who has Kryptonian tattooed on her arm.

Anywho, with all the steampunk I had, most people asked if I was from Firefly. And eventually I decided it was easier to just say that I was gender-bent Malcolm Reynolds instead of trying to explain being an O.C. As soon as I take my pictures off my camera, I'll add some in right here:

But alas! I had to leave the gathering early so that I could go home and decorate sugar cookies. I may or may not have been a little inspired by the gathering: 

Also, one of the cookies was broken in half. This was the result: 

My family has somewhat of a morbid sense of humor sometimes. I got to decorate the bottom half. Hehe. 

*sighs* Ugh. I still have so much to do. I half to make sure I stop at like 50 different places (which is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like 50 sometimes) by the end of the week. Oi.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll have more to report on things I've done tomorrow. But in the mean time, how is your weekend going? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 3

Ughhhh. So much homework. I may or may not have been avoiding doing it all weekend. But really, if you had friends that were in town for the week and y'know family plans and what not, would you do homework? I don't think so! But it's killing me now. Actually, all in all, it's not that bad. Just 2 days worth of transition matrices, 2 anthropology journals, two speeches, and most likely an 8 page term paper. Baby steps though. Besides, I've edited about half of the Twilight Sparkle photos that I took in October! So progress was made today! It just took me a while to start. I still need to edit my Sharks photos from the Senators game also in October, but that's more of a personal project. It can wait until after finals.

So here's the delightful updates to end the week with. Friday, I went to this family dinner night things at one of the various churches that I've been even remotely involved in. There I saw many of my friends who I hadn't seen at college group (same church associated btw). So that was exciting. It was a potluck, and I have to admit, I really wasn't thinking that far in advance, plus I honestly didn't know if I was going to go, so I ended up bringing store-bought pumpkin pie. I know, I know, I could've done better. At least I brought something! I played Flashpoint for the second time ever. But we lost this time. We didn't save enough people unfortunately, or more to the point, too many people died in a fiery explosion of death and destruction. So there was that.

Anyways, after that fun event, I dropped GI off at his place where RP was waiting. We had a nice chat about things that had happened while we were at college and so on and so forth.

The next day, RP had a barbeque that a good portion of the Lunch Bunch attended. I have to admit, I think it was one of the best events I attended during the week. It was definitely the one I felt the most at ease at. At the same time though, I didn't want it to end because I knew once it did, I'd have to say goodbye again. And sure, it's not for nearly as long, but it still sucks. Every time. It's what makes me wish that I were away at college. I feel like if I were away, I'd be more distracted from everyone else leaving. But enough sad mopey-ness for now. I have more to tell!

I found out by strange happen-stance that RP and I went to the same preschool. Not the same teachers, but still.

The guys ended up playing Ultimate Frisbee while the girls (all three of us) watched them. And then came mischief. MJ, AC, and I teamed up to mess with their keys and wallets which they had left with us. We made sure all was sorted out before they left, so no harm done! But it was amusing to do.

I've decided. This week was not nearly long enough. And so my new time to count down for is the week after my finals. The guys, or at least GI, agreed that when the second Hobbit movie comes out, we should all go as a group to see it and pretend it's the midnight premiere.

The story behind that being, we went last year and made some very hilarious memories at a Denny's after the show.

So if we pretend it's the midnight premiere, we can all go out to Denny's again and create new memories. Definitely stuff for the scrap book.

At this point though, it's time to stop avoiding work. I've been working on and off while typing this. But now it's time for me to bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 1

There are a few things going on this week that I want to talk about, and I'm probably going to make a few posts about it, so bare with me this week and we can all get through it.

For starters, quite a few alumni, specifically friends from my grade, have come home for the week, or at least part of the week. And I must say, I have been excited for this week to come since the day everyone left. I had nothing specific in mind of what I wanted to happen this week. It's not like I planned every second of every day and what kinds of shenanigans I could get into this week. I was honestly just excited to see everyone. But now that so many people are home, the excitement is gone. I've talked with a few people about this and they definitely helped me figure out the mess of emotions that I'm feeling. And I've realized, that before they came home, I had been feeling like I only had to hold everything together until people were home, then everything would all of a sudden be better. All of a sudden, I wouldn't feel so broken. I wouldn't need to hold myself together, because I'd be totally fine. And now that they're home, I still feel broken. That part hasn't changed. And I'm angry with myself for breaking down now. I mean, I'm glad that the people that I'm breaking down around are so supportive of me. But at the same time, I look at things like Facebook and everyone seems to be happy in college as though they're totally fine and moving on easily. Sometimes I see that and think I'm the only one struggling. After talking with my friend Travis, I know I'm not the only one, but I still feel like I have to put on a brave face and pretend everything's okay.

But that's just a piece of this week for me.

The other major part is Thanksgiving Day. Years ago, when Keegan was born, I made a trade-off. I knew I wanted to spend Christmas with him and watch him grow up. In order to spend Christmas with him though, it meant that I had to give a holiday to my dad. Specifically Thanksgiving. I figured, hey, it's really only one day. It doesn't make a huge difference or anything. If it were up to me, I'd spend every holiday with my mom. But this Thanksgiving, we'll be joined by my dad's girlfriend and her mother. not that I dislike his girlfriend, but it's a little awkward for me. Especially since she's 24. So that's part two.

I'll have to let y'all know how the week continues, but this is just kind of a piece of the week. Hopefully, y'all are all having a better week.

So I'll bid you adieu for now.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3