Updates: Part 2

Hello there,  Readers!

Thanks for coming back to read more about those updates!

Last week, we left off at the end of the summer. Since it's now almost the end of the semester, I'll catch you up on school (Late August to Now).

First of all, I moved to LA and started school at Biola right at the end ofAugust. September began, and so did all my classes. Currently, I'm in Experimental Psychology, Psych & Christian Thought, Foundations of Christian Thought, Psych Statistics Lab, Biblical Interpretation&Spiritual Formation, and New Testament History and Literature. Phew, that's a mouthful. There isn't a whole lot to say about my classes that's really exciting, but I have made some awesome friends. I didn't have a roommate when I first got here, but I asked a girl I had met if she wanted to be my roommate and now she's one of my best friends! I also made friends with a girl in my Foundations class who's also a psych major and this girl who added everyone as a friend on Facebook over the summer.

September didn't have a whole lot going on, except for my birthday toward the beginning. Kosmos is seriously awesome and took a bus to come see me. We went to our friend's place in North Ridge and stayed there for the weekend. I was definitely sad when the weekend ended and Kosmos had to leave, but it was by far one of the best birthdays I've had so far in my life.

When October finally came around, there was a lot going on. Toward the middle of the month, Biola's annual Torrey Conference began. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much. The first day of Torrey, they held it on the lawn. But things got a little crazy. To give you some background, apparently, one of the on campus ministries had been sent a message by God through prayer that the lawn would be revitalized. Then, this year, one of the various ministry groups here began holding their meetings on the lawn. But then Torrey was held there too! But here's where it gets really crazy. That night, we were worshiping and the worship leader was in the middle of prayer. We had just finished singing "How He Loves" (If you're unfamiliar with the title, just think "Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree") and "Spirit Break Out" ("Can you hear the sound of heaven touching earth"). All of a sudden, there's a flash of light. I think a lot of people were confused and thought maybe it was a photographer since they had been taking pictures earlier, but then BOOM! Thunder. The worship leader had barely said Jesus' name when that happened. Everyone cheered. The worship leader tried to continue her prayer and repeated Jesus' name. More lighting and thunder. More cheers. One more time she tried, she said Jesus' name and all of a sudden lighting struck right on top of us. It honestly looked light it hit right next to the stage. Then she asked Jesus to cover us with his love and grace. Then out of no where, these HUGE drops of rain started falling. It barely started when all of a sudden, it was pouring on top of us. Everyone ran for cover and a good portion of people ran back to the dorms. I think I can safely say, based on the Facebook and Instagram posts that followed, that we all heard "the sound of heaven touching earth". It was incredible. I don't know about anyone else that night, but for me the message was loud and clear, "I AM here."

One of the girls on my floor captured that video of the lighting that seemed to strike near the stage. The rest of Torrey was great, but this was the highlight.

Reaching the end of October, Halloween weekend came, and I had the chance to go home! I was more than a little excited. I went home for my little brother's birthday, but while I was there, I of course got to see Kosmos. Actually, he was there with my family basically every night except K's birthday and he picked me up from the airport. Needless to say, I very much enjoyed my time home.

Which brings me to November. Since being home, I have been absolutely swamped with papers and tests. Actually, I need to go finish one now. But, by the time you read this, I'll be done and ready for Thanksgiving to start. Hooray! And boy, will I have an post following Thanksgiving weekend. But I can't say anything today about it. Exciting things happening! Tune back in next week for more!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Beginning of the End

Hey Readers,

Wow. Been a while, eh? Y'know, its crazy how quickly time passes. It seems like forever ago that I posted, but these past two years? They've gone by far too fast. It seems like just yesterday that I was taking my Fall 2013 classes. And in the next two months, I'll have finished everything I needed for transferring. My journey through community college will be complete. Crazy.

It's amazing the things you learn about yourself when you least expect it. God does such wonderful things when you least expect them. When I started at community college, I gave myself two years to get my classes done and get out. No distractions. No need to make friends, since I'd only be there 2 years. I wouldn't date because I didn't think I could possibly get to know a person well enough to want a long distance relationship in only two years (or less). I would get my classes done, get A's, and everything would work out and go smoothly. That was my plan. God had some other ideas in mind for me. Almost immediately into my time in college, my world changed forever with the loss of Walker. A loss that I still feel, and I'm sure many others do too. I struggled after that. My straight A ideas turned into A's and B's then a quarter of C's and F's (Thankfully only one of each). My lack of friends at school sunk me into a deep depression and I felt lonely. Then I felt another loss, the loss of my beloved Silky. I still cry, frequently, when I think about my baby boy. I miss his soft fur and many times I wish I could just hold him one more time. And it gets me by surprise. I feel his loss everyday. So much pain, and all of it was just in my first two quarters. I felt anhedonic and emotionless. I didn't laugh, my smile was fake, and I cried myself to sleep after losing him. The first time I laughed, and I mean really laughed, was the day I met the Stormblades. Just when I needed to get back up, God led me right where I needed to be. For whatever reason, I took a chance on them and it worked out beautifully. Two months later, we're hanging out at Fanime together. That summer, we spent camping, hanging out, and having fun with each other. Cut to August, and I'm dating Kosmos whose a part of Stormblades. Sometimes, things don't go as planned, but they turn out beautifully because of it. 

It's funny that I thought I wouldn't make lasting friends. After all, the school I chose to transfer to was because I wanted to make friends. I knew before I left high school that friends were the most important thing in my life, why would I cut myself off from making new ones? What was I thinking? To be honest, I thought I'd never find friends who cold mean as much to me as the Lunch Bunch. I know better now. I've never felt so much love from so many people before and it feels incredible. 

The work that I've done up to this point makes me feel so much more prepared to finish my journey at Biola, the school I'm transferring to. What felt overwhelming at the beginning of this journey, is now a shining accomplishment and something that I feel incredibly proud of. And now that I'm reaching the end of this journey and preparing to start a new one, I can't help but feel upset to be leaving so many great things behind. Of course they will be here and I fully intend on coming back to visit whenever I can, but that won't make me miss them any less. Kosmos and I can skype. Hopefully, he'll be able to visit me.  I also found out my friend, LP, will be transferring in the Fall to a school just an hour away from Biola and hopefully, we'll be able to hang out some weekends. Maybe even do some roleplaying while we're down there. Who knows. But I feel both incredibly sad and incredibly excited to be here, finally, at the beginning of the end. 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

The End of Week 3

Hello Readers,

Okay, so the last time I blogged it was the second day of the quarter. Today is the last day of week 3 an I have to say, so far, so good. I had the first real pieces of homework this week and I actually have been keeping up with it all. As for skipping classes, something I struggled with a lot last quarter,  I have only skipped one and it was because my friend AG had just come back from his month long excursion to Japan. Unfortunately, I'm falling asleep in Astronomy, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be. It's only been about 5 minutes per class which is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the class and I don't miss any of the notes. I'm feeling very optimistic about this quarter. I definitely think I will be able to keep up with everything. I feel organized. Which is nice. Now if I could just get my room that way.

Kosmos decided he really wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he actually paid for me to download it. Now I'm hooked. I like the building part, definitely, but I also really enjoy being able to talk to him over Skype while we build. It's not something we have to be in the same room to do, though we could if we wanted. It's something that I think will help with the distance when I transfer. That and things like Robocraft. I really like that we're getting into the habit of calling each other on Skype even if we don't say anything and we just sit there doing homework. Minus things like hugging, he's there with me no matter where we Skype.

Did I mention in my last post that my child development class requires 12 hours of community service? Well, if you didn't know before, now you do. I finally figured out what I'm doing. I'm volunteering at my little brother's school, but it means I have to go get a TB test and fill out a bunch of paper work. But a lot on the original list wanted long commitments that I couldn't give. This way I can get it out of the way in 3 total days. Versus taking the whole quarter up to take care of this. It means I'll also have more time to get a job and get money for things like food and Fanime. And a car. Oh yeah, ICYMI, I'm saving for a new car cause I'm pretty sure my car is NOT going to last much longer.

I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately and my little brother posted a whole bunch of little notes on my door the other night saying, and I quote, "I <3 wou" and depicting a stick figure of himself with tears saying "sister". It's actually pretty impressive cause he wrote without any help and he's been having trouble with reading and writing, but in this case, he did very well with writing on his own. It made me both very proud and very sad. So I've been staying home a bit more lately instead of going out after school so I can spend some time with him. I think I was looking at the time I have the wrong way. The way I saw things before is that my family would always be there so I could spend as much time out of the house as I wanted, especially since it's the last stretch of time before I transfer. But that's not entirely true. K gets the same amount of time as everyone else and I need to balance a lot better. My mentality has been that it's my last few months to be able to hang out with Stormblades, but I've been ignoring that it's my last few months to spend at home too.

Anyways, I should get back to focusing on class and more homework.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Welcome to 2015

Happy New Year Readers!

For many of you, I'm sure school is about to start, or it will be starting very soon. For myself, today is Day Two, so I figured I'd share my schedule with you.

Monday and Wednesday: Child, Family, and Community Interrelationships is up first, followed by Psychology of Gender. I get an hour for lunch and finish my day with Abnormal Psychology.

Tuesday and Thursday: I start with Intercultural Communications and move on to Psychology of Gender again. Another hour for lunch right before Solar Astronomy.

All total, I'm taking five classes between 9:30 and 3:45 throughout the week.

Last quarter was kind of hellish for me. I had long gaps between classes that made it difficult to stay motivated to stay at school the whole time and I didn't get to see any of my friends during the day. I made new friends, but I missed Stormblades. This quarter, however, my friend EW is in my psychology of gender class. He has no idea what to expect and so he's sitting next to me, staring at his syllabus. Kosmos isn't taking classes this quarter, unless he takes a random. Unfortunately, they didn't keep him at his seasonal job so he won't be able to focus on that job like he had wanted to. However, they're keeping his application in case there's an opening. I've taken this many classes before, but previously when I did, I didn't really have a social life or work life to keep up with. Now I'm not totally sure what to expect for this quarter. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance everything.

Anyways, for now I'm going to focus on class.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Hey Readers,

In case you didn't know it, I live in NorCal. And right about now, we are facing the largest storm we've had in five years. Now, I know for anyone who has to deal with tornadoes or hurricanes, this storm would be nothing. I already know people who are making fun of the storm the way many of us did when the earthquake hit the East Coast, but let me explain why we're making a huge deal out of all this.

First, we've been facing one of the worst recorded droughts as of lately. That means that there really isn't any water in the soil around here either. At least not as much as there should be. With this kind of heavy rainfall, the ground is going to get over saturated with water. And you might be able to guess, this can lead to landslides. So we might get some landslides which destroy homes and can be fatal.

Second, we got warnings on our phones this morning from WNS about potential flash floods. Hear that? Flooding. And if you don't believe me, take a look at this article from Mother Jones. Those pictures are very real and they show exactly how bad the flooding is. And that's just so far.

Because it's raining, and it's finals week, I am spending my day inside my house working on essays. Kosmos had work until 8 this morning and because of the storm, I had him come crash at my place. I figured while he's sleeping, I'd blog a little and maybe start working. It's not too bad where I live right now, though the wind makes driving less than fun. I don't know about anyone else, but I love the rain. I love the smell, I love the feel, all of it. Though I don't know how I feel about this heavy downpour. But we need it desperately. Plus, for those of us who stay inside during rain, it can cause some of us to actually get things done around the house, and what-not.

Anyways, for those of you taking finals, good luck. And for those of you also dealing with this storm, be safe.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

To The Stormblades

Alright, the last time I did something like this it was because I was scared that I was losing my Lunch Bunch. My post, "To The Guys", was much more of a goodbye than anything else, and although I have not and will no say goodbye to them, I needed to create that post to express my extreme gratitude for having them when I did. But now, I need to talk about another group of people. No, I need to talk to them. And this time, I'm saying hello.

To The Stormblades,

How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.

The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.

And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Class of 2014

Hey everyone!

Okay, one day late on when I said I'd post. Not too bad though, right? So let's talk about Saturday. If you're following me on instagram, you already know a little about my Saturday and what I'm going to talk about.

I woke up Saturday morning, checked my clock and realized, "Oh snap! I have 15 minutes to get ready and leave!" So I rushed around like crazy, grabbed everything and managed to head out the door. To what you might ask? I was going to my friend's graduation. Actually, it was multiple friends. I made it there just in time, thank goodness, found some alumni I knew, and grabbed a seat in the bleachers to watch the procession. I'm not going to lie, I was confused. I realize that a lot of people were trying to keep a straight face, but I want to know why so many people were frowning? Really, why? You're passing a major milestone of your life, you've survived four years of high school, you made it! Why would you frown? And it wasn't just one person, I saw multiple people frowning. For the most part, however, there were lots of smiles, and plenty of happy faces. The ceremony itself was beautiful. I won't go into details about the graduation itself, but I do want to take the time to address the graduating class of 2014 about the year ahead.

Congratulations. I'll start there, because you have not only made it through high school, but you've made it through at least 17 years of life and everything that has been thrown at you. For at least 17 years, you have had so many challenges thrown your way. Maybe they were small challenges and you had no problem. Maybe they were huge challenges and you didn't know how you'd get out. But you survived. It's not the end of the challenges you'll face. It's not the end of the road. And it's certainly not the last time you'll want or need to celebrate. No matter how prepared for college you think you are, you'll be caught unaware. You'll be ready for for all the things you planed for, absolutely. But you're going to have a lot of wild cards thrown your way. There are going to be a lot of things that you are completely unprepared for and it's going to be challenging. Guess what, you'll be making new friends. It doesn't matter if you're going to school with someone you're close with or not, you're going to have to make new friends. If you're going to college, classes are never going to meet your expectations.  They'll either be far more advanced than you think or far more ridiculous than you want. Don't lose hope though. You'll make it through. Celebrate the little things. Because you'll get stressed, and the community you built in high school isn't going to be as easy to get to. It's going to be harder to find support. So celebrate every small victory. But don't let the little things get you down either. Don't be afraid to talk to new people. And believe it or not, it's okay to miss class every once in a while. In the next year, a lot will change for you, there's no doubt about it. But you will be okay in the end. You can and will survive and adapt to it. I know you can. Congratulations and good luck to the class of 2014.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Pretty Girls

Hello readers,

Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:

We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.

The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am.  But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Summer Vacation

Hello Readers!

I don't know about many of you, but every time I go on Facebook, my Newsfeed is filled with folks talking about their finals and how close they are to done with either high school or the year they're in at college. These lucky ducks who must be on the semester system or something keep talking about how they're done or close to done and meanwhile, I keep thinking, Man, I wish I were done. I'll celebrate when I get to the end of June. I keep having to remind myself that while yes, I am only half-way done, the plans I have for summer will have been worth the wait. There are a couple of things that I know for sure are happening and a few that I won't know until dates are settled. One that is definitely happening: A family friend is getting married! We're flying to Seattle for their wedding in August. Another one is Disneyland. I will be Disneybounding, also in August, though I'm not entirely sure which characters yet. Rapunzel is on my list though for sure.

Man, it feels like summer already. It doesn't feel like it's only week six. Ugh. Time has flown by though. I have my first midterm test of the quarter next week, although there's a midterm project that's due Thursday. It's strange thinking about summer too, because I now have two different groups and while I want to spend as much time as possible with both, it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Speaking of plays, we had one of those group projects i mentioned before due in class today. We were performing a content-less scene. It was definitely a new experience for me since I was the director of the group, but I liked how my group worked. And the only real criticism the professor had was about one actor's pacing, so I'd say the whole thing went really well.

I'm writing this while waiting for one of my classes to start and I have to say, it's getting a little easier every day. I don't mean classes and I don't mean how busy I've been. I mean it's getting easier to wake up in the morning and not have the same face-to-face support that I had from my Lunch Bunch. It's getting easier to make friends. It's getting easier to be myself. I'm getting better at this stuff everyday. It's getting easier to open up with people. And when I do stumble, it's getting easier to get back up. I feel less afraid to make mistakes. I know that this whole paragraph is a tad bit random, but oh well.

If you're still in school, how's it going? Happy to be ending the year soon?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Group Projects

Hello readers,

I swear this is the quarter of group projects. It's seriously a good thing that I only have three classes this quarter rather than five because every single class I have has had group projects for the past three weeks in a row. For those of you who enjoy group projects, great for you! I am not one of those people though. Firstly, group projects are difficult because you have to find time outside of class to meet and discuss and work together.

One group I'm working with (thank goodness it's due today and it'll be the last day I work with them) is formed of nice people, but it's one of the more difficult groups I've ever worked with. One is always working and is a little flaky for showing up and doing work. The other speaks minimal English. He's sweet and hard-working, but the constant checking in about whether something is good or not is a tad bit annoying. I'm not a supervisor, I'm a partner in this project. Figure it out. Please. It's an English writing class and you clearly had the skills to be placed in the class, so use them.

In Theathre Appreciation, we have two group projects. One due Tuesday, the other due May 27th. With entirely different groups. Actually, both these projects sound fun. I just wish we had more time to work on them. Especially the one due Tuesday.

And in Psych, there's yet another group project. At least I actually know the people in this group a bit better and like them. We'll see what happens, but I actually really like this group and I'm hoping that it all works out alright. What happened with this class is that we chose our lab groups at the beginning of the quarter. I had taken a class with one of them previously, but the other three I didn't know at all. We chose names for our groups once we formed them. Most of us are pretty nerdy and are parts of the same fandoms. Because of that we're the Browncoats. There's another group in the class that's the Avengers too. Good times.

But seriously, I think this is the only time that I've actually been really happy that I am not working or taking five classes, because I have no idea how I'd get any of this group stuff done if I were working or taking more classes.

How do you feel about group projects? Hope you all are having a great Thursday!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

It's Been a While

Hey there readers!

As the title of this post so eloquently states, it's been a while since I've blogged. I swear I haven't just abandoned it. I'm still alive and all that.

Let's see, when I last blogged, it was still Winter Quarter (UGH). I am happy to say that quarter is officially over, thank goodness. And, I did surprisingly well in my classes. Totally thought I was failing a class and ended up with a B. But I'm not complaining! I'll take it. Spring Quarter just started, so that's pretty exciting. I decided not to totally overwhelm myself, especially since I'm going on a volunteer trip pretty soon (I'll talk about that in just a moment). So I'm only taking three classes instead of five like I did for both Fall and Winter. Those classes are: Theater Appreciation, Theories of Personality (Psych), and English Writing 2. I met my psych teacher yesterday because the class is Monday through Thursday, but Theater and Writing are both Tuesday and Thursday only classes, so I just met my Theater professor this morning. I have to admit though, I was pretty proud of the knowledge I gained from taking theater in high school. We talked about different kinds of theaters, and I was able to use vocab from other classes to answer questions. And my psych class seems pretty fun just from the personality of the professor. he seems pretty cool. For writing, I actually met my professor a few weeks ago because I needed to talk to her about the volunteer trip I mentioned previously. However, she wasn't at school today for whatever reason, so apparently the director of Language Arts was there. He basically just gave us the syllabus, talked for like 10 minutes about the class and said, "Have a Nice day! Feel free to go home." Sweet!

Last quarter hit pretty hard, because I was out sick on top of everything happening with Silky. I'm honestly surprised I did so well. This quarter feels good to me. I feel really prepared for this one, even though there's still so much I need to get done this week for school. Fall quarter, I felt kind of prepared, but honestly, I still needed to pull things together and it just wasn't great. It turned out well, but I wasn't totally ready. Winter quarter, as I mentioned was really bad. Again, it turned out alright in the end, but I was definitely not ready for it. But this one, I'm feeling fairly ready for. I'm sure I'll end up stressed in the middle again, but still it's not too bad. So we'll see.

I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post or not, but I'm going on a volunteer trip next week! I leave Saturday for Mexico. I have to admit, I'm super excited to go. It's my fifth year going on this trip and my first year as a leader. In the past couple weeks, I've kinda been doubting whether I want to go or not, though it's too late to change my mind at this point. But I think once I get there, I'll be really happy I went. I will not have internet access in all likelihood though, so I'll have to tell you how the trip went once I get back.

There's not much else left to update you all on, so I guess I'll stop here for now. For my already in college readers, how is your quarter/semester going so far? What kinds of classes are you taking? For any readers who are graduating high school this year, have you received any acceptance letters yet? And just for everyone, how is your week going?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Week 4

It's week four of winter quarter, and there are some things that I've noticed about my teachers....

My English 1A teacher specifically is a really nice guy. When I was sick the first day, he basically said he'd mark that I was there even though I wasn't. Again, super reasonable guy. Super nice. However, it uh doesn't uh seem like uh he's always um prepared. And quite frankly, I'm not sure he has a clue what he's talking about sometime. I'm not trying to be a snob or claiming to be an expert or anything, but when we talked about the meaning of certain photos from the textbook, I'm pretty sure he was making stuff up as he went along. I get interpreting photos and their different element, but when you're talking about the fact that someone took a picture of their kids, chances are, they did not pose the photo. Meaning that while yes, the fact that one kid (the one that looks miserable) is wearing dark clothing while the other one is wearing light clothing makes for an interesting interpretation, it probably wasn't intended and means nothing. He's reading into this stuff way too much. Seriously. Again, super nice guy. Easy class. But holy flying fat cats is it annoying!!

My contemporary literature teacher is super nice too. I have to admit, I was more annoyed with her style of teacher at first. And while she hasn't changed it up a whole lot, I find I'm more okay with this class than the other English class. Sure she asks a ton of open-ended questions that make you wonder exactly what answer she's looking for, but it's still an easy going class. Also, it's small so it's much less intimidating. I've been sitting next to this one guy who sprained his ankle and has been wearing a boot and when we break off into pairs, we end up discussing her teaching style sometimes. The nice part being it's much easier to talk to people and get in the swing of things in this class. Plus, she uses Turnitin, a site I am very familiar with, rather than the catalyst program. Apparently, the other English teacher uses it too, but he hasn't had anything due for Turnitin yet.

Psychology! I actually really like this professor. It's a large class, so I'm even less likely to be one of those people that raises their hand a lot (not that I was one of those people before) but I still really love the class. It's a lot of notes, but I've made some friends in the class (from the first group activity we did) and I've actually known the answer a couple times in class. Super awesome. I think I'm learning a lot in that one. And it's light on homework. There's reading, but that's about it so far. So I'm keeping up in that one.

My history teacher can swear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he drops an F-Bomb like every other sentence. But he's also a very down-to-earth teacher. He's also very entertaining to listen to. We had our first test today and I was pleasantly surprised at the difficulty level. I prepared much more than was probably necessary, but that's also probably a good thing.

And then there's yoga. Rate My Professor had all this stuff about him being relatively creepy, but so far, I haven't noticed anything. It's a very relaxing class. Although it can also be a little boring at times. Last class, I found myself counting the ceiling tiles in the room. There are 196, in case anyone's wondering.

But first quarter is going well. I actually saw two people that I recognized, though I only ended up saying hello to one of them. The other was in a conversation with someone else and going the opposite direction.

On an entirely different note, my cat is sick. His name is Silky and he's part Maine Coon meaning he's supposed to be huge. But he's lost a ton of weight very rapidly. He's not really eating, so we took him to the vet. Last time he had gone from 15lbs to 10lbs. And in the course of about 1-2 weeks he dropped to about 8lbs. The vet tested him for Feline AIDS, but luckily, he tested negative. He's going in for an ultrasound tomorrow, but I'm very worried about him. He's been given an appetite stimulant which seems to be helping him quite a bit. He ate a quarter can of wet food earlier today and is chowing down on another quarter now. I'm really praying he gets better. I've had my silky bear for about 10 years now roughly. He's been such a constant in my life, I can't imagine life without him. I hope I don't have to for another few years. He's the sweetest cat I've ever known. He's always been my Fat Boy. A lazy oaf. Of course, he's not really lazy. He is fiercely loyal though. He used to growl at the UPS guy. He also has defended my mom's fairy garden on numerous occasions from neighbor cats. I'm really worried about him right now, so prayers would be appreciated.

Artsy Stuffs!

I'm so freakin' excited right now. Like, you have no idea.

First, updates on just life in general. I finally got my voice back!! YAY! So excite. Such wow. Also, it's a three day weekend, so yippee!

Second week of classes went fairly well. I only had psych class twice cause the teacher was out on Monday and Thursday. I'm not complaining. I'm making some really exciting spring break plans, though I don't want to say anything in case it doesn't end up happening. When I know for sure that it is, I will update for sure.

Onto why I'm so excited:

So, 500px is great for just photography and stuff, but it doesn't seem to be all that well known of a site. So even though I sell prints there (at least I'm pretty sure I am), I don't really sell a lot of prints. So, I decided to take advantage of the Deviant Art account that I've had open for the past three years, but never uploaded anything. So I just uploaded a couple of my photos to Deviant Art (links to my profile are in the sidebar) and I will be selling prints on Deviant as well! Of course, I don't necessarily expect to get any more business this way, but it would be really, really cool if I did. I'm just gonna go upload some more photos so I have more than 7 there, though not all of them will be available as prints. Eek! Super duper uber excited right now. But yeah, you should check it out.

Okay, enough shameless self-promotion.

What kind of exciting things have you all been up to? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Winter Quarter Begins

I actually made it to class today. Woohoo! Except that by the end of the day yesterday, I knew I could say so long to my voice for today. I made all these cute little notecards to help me out so I wouldn't have to say too much. I barely said anything all day except in whispers. By the time I got home today, my voice was a little better! So I started talking to my family and stuff. Unfortunately, that made it worse. So it's sayonara to my voice tomorrow as well. I know, I know. It's my own fault for talking this afternoon. But it stinks!!! I mean, for the most part I can communicate, that's no the issue. Believe it or not though, I like talking. I like being able to converse with people  without sounding ridiculous. But more than that though, the part I miss about my voice the most is being able to sing along with my music in the car. It's something I do to keep me from swearing at other drivers. Plus, I like singing. I actually enjoy listening to the radio and being able to sing every word. Although, I usually only do that when I'm alone in the car. When other people are there, I like making conversation. Seriously. Losing your voice sucks. And if you've had it happen to you, then you understand.

But enough about me being sick. Let's talk about the new quarter. Did you know that "Rate My Professor" is a fantastic and beautiful thing? Because this quarter (though I have yet to meet the yoga teacher), I love every one of my teachers. They are seriously respectable people. My history teacher said pretty much, he doesn't care if he's liked. It's more about respect to him. Which I can totally agree with. He's been pretty straight up, which I appreciate about my teachers. That's actually something that I respect from most people. Like, if I ask you something, I may not like your answer, but that's my problem, I can deal. Just don't give me some pile of bull because you don't want to hurt my feelings. Now that's not to say that I don't appreciate tact either. But there's a difference between tact and BS. Kay folks? You can be truthful without being a butt. Anyways. Where was I? Ah yes. Teachers. My psych teacher also seems to be pretty straight up honest too. Again, I appreciate that. My English Writing teacher seems pretty nice. He was the first to respond to my email about not being there the first day. He was just like, okay cool. I got you covered. That was nice. My E-Lit teacher seems.........blonde. And very....all over the place. Nice, but not exactly a "Life's tough" kind of teacher. But we'll see how the quarter goes.

Oh that reminds me. So I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I've seen like five or six people that I used to be friends with in elementary school at my school. I'm pretty sure they don't recognize me. Except for one guy who I used to pass on my way to math. He was coming from where I was headed. Every time we passed though we always said hi. So I know at least he recognized me. But the point I was really getting to is that in my psych class is not one, but two people from my elementary school AND I think someone I recognize from high school tech a few years older than me. So how about that, eh?

Oh, okay, last reason I'm excited about Winter quarter before I go: I actually have homework! Eek! It's been so long. I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's true. I need things to keep me busy! I don't want to sit still at all! I want to get things done! I'm ready to go! I'm sure I'll be sick of it by he end of the quarter, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

Aight guys. I gotta go! I have things to do. Like homework. And cleaning and stuff.

Adios readers! Good luck!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

I'm sick. Again.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Being sick sucks. About 3 days ago, I was coughing like crazy. So I took cough drops and ibuprofen and seemed to be mostly fine. But then the next day, I woke up with a fever of 102.3. Based on the soreness of my throat, I grabbed a flashlight (after taking serious ibuprofen to take care of the dizziness from the fever) and checked the back of my throat. Thank goodness, it's NOT strep. Then yesterday, I was actually starting to feel vaguely better, I only took ibuprofen once that day and it seemed like I was gonna be fine. But then I woke up this morning, first at seven with a killer cough and sore throat, and again at nine, and this is after going to sleep with cough drop.

Now, as much as I hate being sick, I can deal usually. But the quarter starts on Monday. I have classes to go to. First day of new classes to go to. I can't miss the first day, but I feel like absolute crud right now. Ugh. I mean, if I'm going to be coughing out a lung, I'd rather be in bed doing it.

Anyways, for my college bound readers, I hope you enjoy a sickness free quarter/semester. And if you do get sick (again), don't be stubborn a don't let it get super bad. You know who you are.

To my non-college bound readers, I hope you enjoy as much of the next 3 months or so as sickness free with possible. I'm sure I'll have come down with some cold or flu or something again by that time, so I'll wish you more good health at that point again too.

Adieu!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Finals Week

ARGH. Finals week. It's almost over, but I want it to be done now. I'm done with the tests and the random papers. The only thing left is a speech for public speaking. I just want it to be done. I want to go home and take a nap. I think I'm getting sick, and I didn't sleep well either. I think my anthropology final went well. It looks like I'll have an A in the class. Thank goodness. The only one I'm really unsure about is math. Ugh. I took that one on Tuesday. I'm so glad it's over.

The only thing I don't like about the quarter ending is that I've made friends in some of my classes and I don't know when I'll see them again. Not close friends like the ones from King's, but close enough that I'd love to hang out with them again. Fortunately, I made some friends in Intervarsity and I know I'll see them around a lot, so I won't be totally starting over again in friend making. But still. I don't enjoy making and losing friends so often. Oh well. In a quarter it's hard to get that close I guess.

*sigh* I should practice my speech now.

If any of you are going through finals, then I will wish you good luck. If your finals are over, hooray! Go celebrate.

With that I'll bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Last College Group

Okay so yesterday, I went to the last college group at Jehaan and Julie's house since they're moving to Canada in January. Kayla suggested that we all come about a half an hour early to have dinner too and that we could bake and decorate shortbread cookies. She also generously provided all the supplies for cookies. And yes, I was sad that it was the last one, but I'm not going to talk about how sad and mopey I am. Instead, I'm going to talk about how fun decorating was! So Kayla had this acorn cookie cutter, but the stem broke off from the dough before it got baked and I guess if kind of looked like a Pikachu. And once Julie made frosting, I got to decorate the Pikachu cookie! Yay!!

Also, Laura made an orange peel and toothpick creation that looked like a boat. And she decorated one orange peel to look like water. Pictures were taken! It was really fun!

On an entirely different subject, I have this friend from my ballroom class, Guillermo, who I talk to about tons of random stuff like SciFi and other fun stuff. It's really great because we'll be talking ad not even realize that an hour has passed. And normally we talk after dance is over, so it's like 9:30 before we decide to end the conversation and go home. And I have to admit, I miss being able to do that with people on a regular basis. So since today was the last dance class (cause it's finals week!),  we both agreed to stay in touch. Plus, I think we're both hoping to take Archery in the spring (or whatever quarter it's available). Seriously though, we start talking about something and will lead to something completely different. And when we get to something more serious like politics or religion, we'll be talking and all of a sudden ask ourselves why that subject, and in his case, "Why not Furbies?" Which lead to us talking about gremlins. Don't feed them after midnight. Or put them in water. Nope nope nope! And most of the time, we're just joking around about stuff. I like being able to be so relaxed and worry-free in conversation. I feel like I've been missing that too, just being able to say something and not have it go the wrong way. I feel like I can be myself. I don't have to pretend that I'm XYZ or anything. I'm not trying to be all sad and depressing or anything, cause I'm super happy right now, but I haven't felt this care-free in a really long time. I'm really glad that I've actually been able to make some friends that I can feel this way around. I definitely feel like I have a clean-slate. Not that I need it or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to reinvent myself, but dancing is just one of those things that always brings out a much more confident version of me and I feel like this quarter, I've been able to apply that to life in general. I have a nice outlook on life and stuff.


And yet again, crazy random subject change. Seriously, there's no motivation behind these changes other than my brain just going, "ooh! shiny!" but with topics of conversation and blogging... Anyways! I realized what I like most about my church. I just figured it out the other day. Part of it is the pastor, but the other part is the people. In other churches that I've visited, I see a bunch of people who are trying really hard to cover up all their flaws so they can pretend everything is perfect. In my church, I see a lot of broken people who are just as desperate for Jesus as I am. I don't see a single person in my church who seems like they have it all together. Some may be farther in their walk with God, but even the pastor is broken and being healed. It's real people with real problems, but they're actually willing to talk about it and be open about things in their life. I guess I just really like that I don't feel like an outsider for being broken too.

Anyways, is there someone or something that brings out a totally different side of you? Or maybe it just makes you feel more confident? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

My New Desk!

It finally came!! Yay! Rather than spend my afternoon doing an essay (due tomorrow, yikes!) I spent my time building my desk. I have to say it's perfect and exactly what I was looking for. It took me so long to find one that I liked, but once I did, just wow.

It's quite a bit more "decorated" now (aka, covered in school work and stuff because I need to clean still). But I love it. I think I'm going to go out and get baskets for it next weekend. And also set up my desktop and stuff. Gah!! So excited. First time I've had a desk in two weeks. Now I can stop charging my laptop on the floor. Ermagersh! Seriously loving it.

Ooh, but guess who is officially registered for classes for next quarter? This girl! I don't quite remember if I've mentioned it before or not, which is why I'm talking about it now. Anywho, I have two English classes and a psych class and a yoga class and last but not least, a history class! I know, kind of a flip-flop compared to this quarter. Oh wells!

Ooh and, I get to go to Mexico this year!! Woot! I probably won't stop mentioning this, even after I go. Sorry, but you're just going to have to deal with it. So many exciting things happening. Yay! Anyways, that essay is kinda sorta still waiting for me.....soooooooo....I gotta go now.

Adios amigos!
Au revoir!
Adieu!
Arrivederci!

Okay no more procrastinating for me (well, at least not for the minute).

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3
 

Impatience

Gahhh! So my room has kind of been in shambles while I redecorate and what-not. I moved my desk out I my room to make room for one that my grandma helped me order from IKEA. So now, I'm just waiting for it to come. It's pretty much supposed to come any day now. I'm really really impatient about it coming though. Plus, I feel a little stuck with cleaning until it comes. Argh! I mean, there's stuff I can do, but it's hard because the stuff I I really want to take care of is stuff I need the desk for. Also, I think I want to get different bookshelves too.

Of course, cleaning and redecorating has kind of taken a back seat until finals are over. I can't wait until this next week is over. Then it's freedom! At least until next quarter. But I get something like 3 weeks of vacation, so, that's something. Also, my finals week coincidentally ends the same day that The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug comes out. Which means that I get to have my own little party of one to celebrate surviving my first quarter of college! Or at least it's a party of one until people come home again. Actually, that's a bit of an exaggeration. There are plenty of people here that I could go see it with. But I don't really want to see it with anyone else until I see it with some of my lunch bunch. Which may never happen, but I'm gonna hold out hope that I can which is why I'm not planning on going with a bunch of people. And that is why I'm planning on going by myself at least the first time around. 

I just want this quarter to be OVER already. One more week left. And, I'm pretty sure I'm past the worst week. I only have like 3 more things due next week and the rest is all tests. Two of them are on Monday and the last is Friday, meaning it should be a breeze. 

Anyways, hope your week went well. Fun plans? Stressing plans? Let me know! 

And now I will bid you adieu.

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3