The Beginning of the End

Hey Readers,

Wow. Been a while, eh? Y'know, its crazy how quickly time passes. It seems like forever ago that I posted, but these past two years? They've gone by far too fast. It seems like just yesterday that I was taking my Fall 2013 classes. And in the next two months, I'll have finished everything I needed for transferring. My journey through community college will be complete. Crazy.

It's amazing the things you learn about yourself when you least expect it. God does such wonderful things when you least expect them. When I started at community college, I gave myself two years to get my classes done and get out. No distractions. No need to make friends, since I'd only be there 2 years. I wouldn't date because I didn't think I could possibly get to know a person well enough to want a long distance relationship in only two years (or less). I would get my classes done, get A's, and everything would work out and go smoothly. That was my plan. God had some other ideas in mind for me. Almost immediately into my time in college, my world changed forever with the loss of Walker. A loss that I still feel, and I'm sure many others do too. I struggled after that. My straight A ideas turned into A's and B's then a quarter of C's and F's (Thankfully only one of each). My lack of friends at school sunk me into a deep depression and I felt lonely. Then I felt another loss, the loss of my beloved Silky. I still cry, frequently, when I think about my baby boy. I miss his soft fur and many times I wish I could just hold him one more time. And it gets me by surprise. I feel his loss everyday. So much pain, and all of it was just in my first two quarters. I felt anhedonic and emotionless. I didn't laugh, my smile was fake, and I cried myself to sleep after losing him. The first time I laughed, and I mean really laughed, was the day I met the Stormblades. Just when I needed to get back up, God led me right where I needed to be. For whatever reason, I took a chance on them and it worked out beautifully. Two months later, we're hanging out at Fanime together. That summer, we spent camping, hanging out, and having fun with each other. Cut to August, and I'm dating Kosmos whose a part of Stormblades. Sometimes, things don't go as planned, but they turn out beautifully because of it. 

It's funny that I thought I wouldn't make lasting friends. After all, the school I chose to transfer to was because I wanted to make friends. I knew before I left high school that friends were the most important thing in my life, why would I cut myself off from making new ones? What was I thinking? To be honest, I thought I'd never find friends who cold mean as much to me as the Lunch Bunch. I know better now. I've never felt so much love from so many people before and it feels incredible. 

The work that I've done up to this point makes me feel so much more prepared to finish my journey at Biola, the school I'm transferring to. What felt overwhelming at the beginning of this journey, is now a shining accomplishment and something that I feel incredibly proud of. And now that I'm reaching the end of this journey and preparing to start a new one, I can't help but feel upset to be leaving so many great things behind. Of course they will be here and I fully intend on coming back to visit whenever I can, but that won't make me miss them any less. Kosmos and I can skype. Hopefully, he'll be able to visit me.  I also found out my friend, LP, will be transferring in the Fall to a school just an hour away from Biola and hopefully, we'll be able to hang out some weekends. Maybe even do some roleplaying while we're down there. Who knows. But I feel both incredibly sad and incredibly excited to be here, finally, at the beginning of the end. 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

The End of Week 3

Hello Readers,

Okay, so the last time I blogged it was the second day of the quarter. Today is the last day of week 3 an I have to say, so far, so good. I had the first real pieces of homework this week and I actually have been keeping up with it all. As for skipping classes, something I struggled with a lot last quarter,  I have only skipped one and it was because my friend AG had just come back from his month long excursion to Japan. Unfortunately, I'm falling asleep in Astronomy, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be. It's only been about 5 minutes per class which is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the class and I don't miss any of the notes. I'm feeling very optimistic about this quarter. I definitely think I will be able to keep up with everything. I feel organized. Which is nice. Now if I could just get my room that way.

Kosmos decided he really wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he actually paid for me to download it. Now I'm hooked. I like the building part, definitely, but I also really enjoy being able to talk to him over Skype while we build. It's not something we have to be in the same room to do, though we could if we wanted. It's something that I think will help with the distance when I transfer. That and things like Robocraft. I really like that we're getting into the habit of calling each other on Skype even if we don't say anything and we just sit there doing homework. Minus things like hugging, he's there with me no matter where we Skype.

Did I mention in my last post that my child development class requires 12 hours of community service? Well, if you didn't know before, now you do. I finally figured out what I'm doing. I'm volunteering at my little brother's school, but it means I have to go get a TB test and fill out a bunch of paper work. But a lot on the original list wanted long commitments that I couldn't give. This way I can get it out of the way in 3 total days. Versus taking the whole quarter up to take care of this. It means I'll also have more time to get a job and get money for things like food and Fanime. And a car. Oh yeah, ICYMI, I'm saving for a new car cause I'm pretty sure my car is NOT going to last much longer.

I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately and my little brother posted a whole bunch of little notes on my door the other night saying, and I quote, "I <3 wou" and depicting a stick figure of himself with tears saying "sister". It's actually pretty impressive cause he wrote without any help and he's been having trouble with reading and writing, but in this case, he did very well with writing on his own. It made me both very proud and very sad. So I've been staying home a bit more lately instead of going out after school so I can spend some time with him. I think I was looking at the time I have the wrong way. The way I saw things before is that my family would always be there so I could spend as much time out of the house as I wanted, especially since it's the last stretch of time before I transfer. But that's not entirely true. K gets the same amount of time as everyone else and I need to balance a lot better. My mentality has been that it's my last few months to be able to hang out with Stormblades, but I've been ignoring that it's my last few months to spend at home too.

Anyways, I should get back to focusing on class and more homework.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Welcome to 2015

Happy New Year Readers!

For many of you, I'm sure school is about to start, or it will be starting very soon. For myself, today is Day Two, so I figured I'd share my schedule with you.

Monday and Wednesday: Child, Family, and Community Interrelationships is up first, followed by Psychology of Gender. I get an hour for lunch and finish my day with Abnormal Psychology.

Tuesday and Thursday: I start with Intercultural Communications and move on to Psychology of Gender again. Another hour for lunch right before Solar Astronomy.

All total, I'm taking five classes between 9:30 and 3:45 throughout the week.

Last quarter was kind of hellish for me. I had long gaps between classes that made it difficult to stay motivated to stay at school the whole time and I didn't get to see any of my friends during the day. I made new friends, but I missed Stormblades. This quarter, however, my friend EW is in my psychology of gender class. He has no idea what to expect and so he's sitting next to me, staring at his syllabus. Kosmos isn't taking classes this quarter, unless he takes a random. Unfortunately, they didn't keep him at his seasonal job so he won't be able to focus on that job like he had wanted to. However, they're keeping his application in case there's an opening. I've taken this many classes before, but previously when I did, I didn't really have a social life or work life to keep up with. Now I'm not totally sure what to expect for this quarter. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance everything.

Anyways, for now I'm going to focus on class.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Birthday Season

Hello Readers,

It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.

Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.

So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.

I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.

You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.

Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Healing Journey

Hello Readers,

It's been a while since I posted anything, huh? Time has gotten away from me and I haven't really been home all that much. At this point, I don't really know where to begin to cover it all, so I probably won't be filling in the gap between this post and the last. There's actually something else I wanted to talk about.

When I was fifteen, I dated this guy, we'll call him "R". I had liked him for a while, so I was excited when we started dating. I was fairly inexperienced in all facets of a relationship when we began the relationship. He on the other hand had a large amount of experience, especially in the physical aspect. Unfortunately, he didn't understand my reasoning on why I wanted to wait for marriage in quite a few regards and was incredibly pushy on the subject. Although he claimed to be patient, it was clear to me that he wanted more. In the end, it was the reason I broke up with him. But not before I had already passed my comfort zone by a fair amount. Being a fifteen year old girl in her second relationship ever, I didn't really know how to say no. I don't think I really even understood that I could say no. And so I consented to much more than I'd ever wanted. And I kept all of it inside. I never told a soul about my experience, I was so ashamed of myself for what little I had done. Before I had met this boy, I'd never had a real kiss. And after him, I was one step away from losing my virginity. 

Eventually, after I became a Christian, I did tell one person. Another boy, but someone who had been my friend throughout all the other hard times. Someone I thought I could trust. We'll call him "Blue" for the purpose of this post and because I have tried to remain friends with him despite advise from countless people who I have told this part of my life to. When at first I told Blue, he offered support in the form of hugs and a shoulder to cry on which I appreciated whole-heartedly. But then he began to abuse the information. He started to ask for favors, sexual favors like those I'd had with R. At first, I gave him consent because I felt that my body was worthless anyways since I'd already given away so much. But I began to feel uncomfortable. I relayed to Blue my fears with the continuation of whatever arrangement we had. He continually persuaded that he had no intention of breaking my trust and assured me that our friendship came first. I told him very specifically that I did not want to be used and I didn't want to even come close to that feeling. He reassured me that of course he wouldn't do that and of course he wanted to make sure my comfort came first. But every time we talked, the conversation always turned toward the subject that I was least excited about and our supposed friendship began to revolve solely around that. It came to the point that he refused to look at me in person because he was so insistent on making sure that neither of us were suspected of being more than friends. When I mentioned that I didn't like that feeling, he promised that he would try to not act so cold toward me, but it didn't happen. Eventually, I decided enough was enough. I told myself the next time we talked or hung out in person one-on-one, I'd tell him I was through. Before I could, he called it off through Facebook message. While I was relieved, I wanted to talk to him about why I felt the same, I wanted to reconcile with him about the whole thing. But we haven't talked since. Not in person though we've seen each other countless times in groups and not online. Not at all. 

After both incidents of favors, I regretted every moment. I hated myself. I felt like trash, completely and utterly worthless. And I was torn because I thought I needed both of these people in my life. But I don't. I have realized that with the help of amazing friends. Throughout the past few months at college, especially with the Stormblades, I have come to a place of healing. I have told many of them my experiences in pieces though one or two know all the details from the depression to Blue of my life and have supported me and affirmed me. Which is not to say that my healing rests in their hands. But they certainly have helped me to speed the process of finding peace. 

The other night, I was at a Worship service with my College Youth Group, when mid-way through I realized something amazing. I hadn't realized until that night, but I finally feel whole again. I feel like a human being. And I feel worthy of friendship, of peace, and most importantly, of God's love. For the past two years after becoming a Christian, I accepted the love I felt, but I most certainly didn't feel like I should be receiving any of it. I wondered why I was the recipient of so much of his love when I had such sins on my heart. But I finally feel whole whereas when I converted, I felt so incredibly broken, I didn't think I'd ever be healed. I thought I'd carry my brokenness my whole life with no end in sight, but I haven't been carrying it for weeks. I can't say when I became whole again, but I am so grateful that I am now. I've finally made it to a place that I can type these words without tears. I can finally tell people my story. My whole story with far less break-down than ever before.  And I can finally trust again. I can open myself to people in a way that I never could before. The past two years have held such an amazing healing journey for me and I am so glad that I have reached this place. I won't pretend that there won't be more challenges along the way, but I finally feel strong enough to make it through whatever challenge I may face. I have God and an entire community of support around me.

Sorry for the life-story post after so long of not blogging, but it was something I felt I needed to share. It is something for me worth celebrating and letting go of. Hopefully, I won't go on a hiatus for so long again, though I don't know that I can make any guarantees until summer is over for me. 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

To The Stormblades

Alright, the last time I did something like this it was because I was scared that I was losing my Lunch Bunch. My post, "To The Guys", was much more of a goodbye than anything else, and although I have not and will no say goodbye to them, I needed to create that post to express my extreme gratitude for having them when I did. But now, I need to talk about another group of people. No, I need to talk to them. And this time, I'm saying hello.

To The Stormblades,

How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.

The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.

And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

FanimeCon 2014

Hey everyone!

So this past weekend, I went to FanimeCon 2014 which was incredibly fun and exciting. So much happened in so few days, so let me just go over everything day by day. I'll start with Day Zero (aka Thursday) since that's really when the excitement and festivities began.

Day Zero:
      Unfortunately, this day was still a school day for me. However, I had two midterms and a cancelled class so it was easy enough to leave by noon to get in line for tickets. Now having stood in line for at least an hour before, I was well prepared for LineCon, the unofficial convention named just for the infuriating line. I had brought my laptop and a few books to make sure I wasn't bored silly in line. I met up with my friend Alan beforehand in order to save money and carpool. However, once we got to the convention center, LineCon only lasted six minutes. Those six minutes were spent walking through the ropes to get to registration. Seriously, there was no line. That never ever happens at Fanime. It was absolutely astounding. So we left to hang out at school with the rest of the Stormblades. We got back to school at 1:30 to chill with Evan who was just hanging out after lunch. When Andy and Kenji made it out of class at 3:30, Alan and I mentioned that the line was amazingly short. So I drove Andy, Alan, and Evan around downtown San Jose so that Andy could grab his badge too. We made it back to Andy's car around 4:10 so he had time to spare to get to work that day. Hoang, Alan, Evan and I all hung out at school a bit longer before we agreed to go home briefly to grab dinner before meeting to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. After seeing the movie at midnight, we hung out until around 3am when I drove to Alan's house, where I planned to stay in order to carpool for Fanime.

Day One:
      I made it to Alan's house easily enough, though Apple Maps took me a convoluted route. I waited until Alan made it back from dropping off two different people who also went to the movies with the group to grab my stuff from the truck of my car. We both waited until Andy got there and somehow managed to stay up til around 5am before we finally slept. We woke up around 10am in order to get to a panel at 11. But Andy is not a morning person at all, so we ended up getting out the door by around 11. Whoops. We got to Fanime and decided that the pane wasn't at the top of our list and decided to grab some lunch. There was gyros truck down the road between where we parked and the Con that smelled phenomenal when we walked past it the first time, so I suggested we grab something there. Alan had never had gyros before and while the gyros were good, they weren't great. Alan and Andy loved them though and wanted to come back every day. The rest of the day was mostly relaxed and we only went to one or two panels, but for the most part we spent the day exploring the Convention Center, the Dealer's Hall, and the Artist's Alley. We went back to Alan's to grab a bite to eat for dinner and also to grab something warmer for me and more comfortable for Andy before we headed back to hit the "Nerd Courting" panel. "Nerd Courting" was exactly what it sounded like; the speaker, Adam, talked about the difficulties of being a nerd and trying to make romantic connections. The best part in my opinion, besides Adam's credibility, was the fact that most of the panel was Adam answering questions. So it wasn't a bunch of things that everyone already understood and knew, it was real questions that applied to our own lives. I won't repeat a lot of what happened in the panel, because quite frankly it was on a very personal level. However, a few examples included questions about why it's worthwhile to even ask a girl or guy out, what you have to lose, what kinds of relationships are healthy. And the one that really got me, cause I thought it was just a girl thing or something: creating an imagined relationship with someone you just met. Adam mentioned that at the beginning and one guy came up to ask where he'd gotten it from since this guy in particular claimed not to. Adam had people raise their hands if they did ad nearly everyone in the audience did. I definitely feel a little less weird for doing it now. We went back to Alan's after the panel finished, that is around midnight, planned when to get up for the next day and crashed.

Day Two:
      We got up early this day. Kind of. Okay so here's what happened: we planned to wake up around 7:30 to get ready and get to a panel by 9, also figuring there'd be a line for it. Problem? Andy slept until around 8:15. And he took the longest to get ready because he was cosplaying Eren from Attack on Titan. Don't know what that is? Here's a side-by-side comparison from anime to real life:

Those straps man. Those took a while. So we made it to the con by 9:10. Good thing the panel was going on for a little while. Fortunately, there were still seats when we finally arrived. The panel was for SNK aka Attack on Titan, so it was an appropriate choice of cosplay despite the fact that it took a while. The panel was an entertaining collection of improv games done in character by the panelists. The three of us who went all enjoyed the panel and had the chance to talk with some of them afterwards. Of course it helped that I knew one of the panelists. We hit lunch at Johnny Rockets before heading to an SNK gathering. Andy joined in the fun of the photos while I enjoyed the serenity of the park. Two much older gentleman sat down on a park bench next to me to ask what on earth was happening. I explained enthusiastically about Fanime and the cosplay community. We laughed a little since they both said they'd lived in the area for 35 years and had no idea what it was. They thought it was an LGBT march when in fact this was the 20th anniversary year of FanimeCon. At that point, a friend I'd met at Rocky Horror, Craig, was walking by in a Doctor Whooves Cosplay minus the tail and ears. I called out to say hi, excused myself from the gentlemen at the park bench and walked with Craig toward the area where the SNK gathering had migrated to. Alan had gone to meet with his brother by that time, so I had just planned to continue watching the gathering shenanigans. Craig and I caught up briefly, before he went to change out of the incredibly warm trench coat he was wearing to something much more comfortable to roam the rest of the con. Finally, after the SNK gathering was over and Alan had rejoined us, we met up with Evan, cosplaying the 10th Doctor, as well as Hoang, Lauren, and Michael. Sadly, I don't think we got a group shot, though I did get some of them individually. 

Evan and his "sonic screwdriver". 

Michael and Godzilla, photo credits: Hoang Nguyen 

We ended up walking around the floor since the people we met up with didn't have passes and found a cardboard tardis set up down the hall. Evan managed to get pictures with at least 15 different groups of cosplayers all wanting to get a picture with a doctor. Eventually, we all decided there really wasn't anything else we needed to stay for and headed to Alan's place to watch a movie. Movie of choice? Mulan, of course! Though there was quite a bit of debate over which movie to watch. The movie ended and Evan, Hoang, Michael, and Lauren all decided to go home. Andy, Alan, and I continued the movies though with Naussica of the Valley of the Wind. I fell asleep unfortunately, though I woke up at the end. Good thing I've seen the movie before. All of us were exhausted and headed to bed once it was over. 

Day Three:

      Ah Sunday morning. We had to wake up a bit early because Andy wanted to see Chantral Strand, a guest of honor at Fanime. While they headed to their panel, I had to drop off some black and white ball stuff in my cousin's hotel room and shower. We planned to go to the speed dating event, but the line was wayyyy too full. So I met up with Andy after the panel while Alan went to find a girl he had met earlier. Andy and I hung out until we ran into an unsuccessful Alan. We grabbed lunch and before Alan and Andy went to a signing by the voice actress from earlier. Meanwhile, I went to get my Black and White Ball stuff because I wanted to make sure I could grab it in time. First time, no luck. So I went back down to meet the guys after the autograph line. I went back up to the hotel with them. Second time, still no luck. Finally, we were wandering around the floor when the guys discovered that a cosplayers they love, Vampy, was at Fanime. It became a mad dash to find her. Somehow we all separated, so I went to the hotel room for the third time. Finally! I managed to grab the ball stuff. Aka, my dress. I came out of the hotel victorious, then wondered where in the heck everyone was. I managed to find Andy next to a motorcycle decked out to look a bit like Senketsu from Kill la Kill. He was getting pictures of some of the cosplayers posing on the bike as well as discussing the bike itself with the owner. After a while, the bike owner left with the motorcycle and we wandered around to continue to find Vampy. Eventually, Alan and another guy we know, Jesus, caught up with us and helped us look. Alan was the one who won the race and we all ran over to greet her. 

Me and VampyBitMe!!

Then I changed into my Ball dress and put my stuff in Alan's car. I went to grab my phone when I realized that oh snap. I left it in the bathroom at the Fairmont. I ran back as fast as I could and discovered the security had it. I got it back, thank goodness and headed to the ball. Andy and Alan went their own way in the meantime. I danced with plenty of different folks, most of them completely terrible, but they definitely made it amusing. Except for when I was elbowed in the face. Not so fun. I started feeling really sick though, so I left the ball and called them to tell them I was out. They came and found me at the Fairmont, feeling slightly better, but not enough to move. We went back to Alan's, charged our phones, I changed into something way more comfortable and we headed back to fanime. We ended up playing BS, where thanks to my lunch bunch's training I won about four out of six times. Then we headed out to the rave. Alan and I ended up leaving early because we weren't really into it and just played speed until 4 am. Andy stayed until it shut down at four. Then we watched some amvs and watched Wolf Children. We ended up leaving around 6:30 in the morning. I drove my car back home so I could go to a doctor's appointment later and ended up crashing until about 10 am. 

Day Four:

      Alright. I'm separating here cause this is when my Monday really began. I got up and ran to my cousin's hotel room because I had accidentally left some shower stuff in her room. I went to the dealers hall, bought some cool ear cuffs and headed back to my car to go to my doctors appointment. Then I headed back to hang out with Alan and Andy some more. We ended up hanging out until around 7 pm, getting dinner and having an unofficial photo shoot for Andy who was in his SNK gear. We ended the day hanging out at Hoang's place getting another dinner. 

Guys, I'm not going to lie, it took me four days to write this post. Everything kept blurring together. I had to ask Alan twice what happened which days. It was a lot of fun though. At the end of our time at the convention center, the three of us who had stuck together the whole time got a picture in front of the con center. 

Andy, Alan, and I

I have a post for you guys hopefully coming up tomorrow, so stay posted. How was your Memorial Day weekend? Let me know!

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Pretty Girls

Hello readers,

Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:

We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.

The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am.  But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Summer Vacation

Hello Readers!

I don't know about many of you, but every time I go on Facebook, my Newsfeed is filled with folks talking about their finals and how close they are to done with either high school or the year they're in at college. These lucky ducks who must be on the semester system or something keep talking about how they're done or close to done and meanwhile, I keep thinking, Man, I wish I were done. I'll celebrate when I get to the end of June. I keep having to remind myself that while yes, I am only half-way done, the plans I have for summer will have been worth the wait. There are a couple of things that I know for sure are happening and a few that I won't know until dates are settled. One that is definitely happening: A family friend is getting married! We're flying to Seattle for their wedding in August. Another one is Disneyland. I will be Disneybounding, also in August, though I'm not entirely sure which characters yet. Rapunzel is on my list though for sure.

Man, it feels like summer already. It doesn't feel like it's only week six. Ugh. Time has flown by though. I have my first midterm test of the quarter next week, although there's a midterm project that's due Thursday. It's strange thinking about summer too, because I now have two different groups and while I want to spend as much time as possible with both, it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Speaking of plays, we had one of those group projects i mentioned before due in class today. We were performing a content-less scene. It was definitely a new experience for me since I was the director of the group, but I liked how my group worked. And the only real criticism the professor had was about one actor's pacing, so I'd say the whole thing went really well.

I'm writing this while waiting for one of my classes to start and I have to say, it's getting a little easier every day. I don't mean classes and I don't mean how busy I've been. I mean it's getting easier to wake up in the morning and not have the same face-to-face support that I had from my Lunch Bunch. It's getting easier to make friends. It's getting easier to be myself. I'm getting better at this stuff everyday. It's getting easier to open up with people. And when I do stumble, it's getting easier to get back up. I feel less afraid to make mistakes. I know that this whole paragraph is a tad bit random, but oh well.

If you're still in school, how's it going? Happy to be ending the year soon?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3