The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Birthday Season

Hello Readers,

It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.

Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.

So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.

I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.

You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.

Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Reprocussions

Hello Readers,

If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.

In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.

Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.

But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.

The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.

Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.

I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

To The Stormblades

Alright, the last time I did something like this it was because I was scared that I was losing my Lunch Bunch. My post, "To The Guys", was much more of a goodbye than anything else, and although I have not and will no say goodbye to them, I needed to create that post to express my extreme gratitude for having them when I did. But now, I need to talk about another group of people. No, I need to talk to them. And this time, I'm saying hello.

To The Stormblades,

How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.

The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.

And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

FanimeCon 2014

Hey everyone!

So this past weekend, I went to FanimeCon 2014 which was incredibly fun and exciting. So much happened in so few days, so let me just go over everything day by day. I'll start with Day Zero (aka Thursday) since that's really when the excitement and festivities began.

Day Zero:
      Unfortunately, this day was still a school day for me. However, I had two midterms and a cancelled class so it was easy enough to leave by noon to get in line for tickets. Now having stood in line for at least an hour before, I was well prepared for LineCon, the unofficial convention named just for the infuriating line. I had brought my laptop and a few books to make sure I wasn't bored silly in line. I met up with my friend Alan beforehand in order to save money and carpool. However, once we got to the convention center, LineCon only lasted six minutes. Those six minutes were spent walking through the ropes to get to registration. Seriously, there was no line. That never ever happens at Fanime. It was absolutely astounding. So we left to hang out at school with the rest of the Stormblades. We got back to school at 1:30 to chill with Evan who was just hanging out after lunch. When Andy and Kenji made it out of class at 3:30, Alan and I mentioned that the line was amazingly short. So I drove Andy, Alan, and Evan around downtown San Jose so that Andy could grab his badge too. We made it back to Andy's car around 4:10 so he had time to spare to get to work that day. Hoang, Alan, Evan and I all hung out at school a bit longer before we agreed to go home briefly to grab dinner before meeting to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. After seeing the movie at midnight, we hung out until around 3am when I drove to Alan's house, where I planned to stay in order to carpool for Fanime.

Day One:
      I made it to Alan's house easily enough, though Apple Maps took me a convoluted route. I waited until Alan made it back from dropping off two different people who also went to the movies with the group to grab my stuff from the truck of my car. We both waited until Andy got there and somehow managed to stay up til around 5am before we finally slept. We woke up around 10am in order to get to a panel at 11. But Andy is not a morning person at all, so we ended up getting out the door by around 11. Whoops. We got to Fanime and decided that the pane wasn't at the top of our list and decided to grab some lunch. There was gyros truck down the road between where we parked and the Con that smelled phenomenal when we walked past it the first time, so I suggested we grab something there. Alan had never had gyros before and while the gyros were good, they weren't great. Alan and Andy loved them though and wanted to come back every day. The rest of the day was mostly relaxed and we only went to one or two panels, but for the most part we spent the day exploring the Convention Center, the Dealer's Hall, and the Artist's Alley. We went back to Alan's to grab a bite to eat for dinner and also to grab something warmer for me and more comfortable for Andy before we headed back to hit the "Nerd Courting" panel. "Nerd Courting" was exactly what it sounded like; the speaker, Adam, talked about the difficulties of being a nerd and trying to make romantic connections. The best part in my opinion, besides Adam's credibility, was the fact that most of the panel was Adam answering questions. So it wasn't a bunch of things that everyone already understood and knew, it was real questions that applied to our own lives. I won't repeat a lot of what happened in the panel, because quite frankly it was on a very personal level. However, a few examples included questions about why it's worthwhile to even ask a girl or guy out, what you have to lose, what kinds of relationships are healthy. And the one that really got me, cause I thought it was just a girl thing or something: creating an imagined relationship with someone you just met. Adam mentioned that at the beginning and one guy came up to ask where he'd gotten it from since this guy in particular claimed not to. Adam had people raise their hands if they did ad nearly everyone in the audience did. I definitely feel a little less weird for doing it now. We went back to Alan's after the panel finished, that is around midnight, planned when to get up for the next day and crashed.

Day Two:
      We got up early this day. Kind of. Okay so here's what happened: we planned to wake up around 7:30 to get ready and get to a panel by 9, also figuring there'd be a line for it. Problem? Andy slept until around 8:15. And he took the longest to get ready because he was cosplaying Eren from Attack on Titan. Don't know what that is? Here's a side-by-side comparison from anime to real life:

Those straps man. Those took a while. So we made it to the con by 9:10. Good thing the panel was going on for a little while. Fortunately, there were still seats when we finally arrived. The panel was for SNK aka Attack on Titan, so it was an appropriate choice of cosplay despite the fact that it took a while. The panel was an entertaining collection of improv games done in character by the panelists. The three of us who went all enjoyed the panel and had the chance to talk with some of them afterwards. Of course it helped that I knew one of the panelists. We hit lunch at Johnny Rockets before heading to an SNK gathering. Andy joined in the fun of the photos while I enjoyed the serenity of the park. Two much older gentleman sat down on a park bench next to me to ask what on earth was happening. I explained enthusiastically about Fanime and the cosplay community. We laughed a little since they both said they'd lived in the area for 35 years and had no idea what it was. They thought it was an LGBT march when in fact this was the 20th anniversary year of FanimeCon. At that point, a friend I'd met at Rocky Horror, Craig, was walking by in a Doctor Whooves Cosplay minus the tail and ears. I called out to say hi, excused myself from the gentlemen at the park bench and walked with Craig toward the area where the SNK gathering had migrated to. Alan had gone to meet with his brother by that time, so I had just planned to continue watching the gathering shenanigans. Craig and I caught up briefly, before he went to change out of the incredibly warm trench coat he was wearing to something much more comfortable to roam the rest of the con. Finally, after the SNK gathering was over and Alan had rejoined us, we met up with Evan, cosplaying the 10th Doctor, as well as Hoang, Lauren, and Michael. Sadly, I don't think we got a group shot, though I did get some of them individually. 

Evan and his "sonic screwdriver". 

Michael and Godzilla, photo credits: Hoang Nguyen 

We ended up walking around the floor since the people we met up with didn't have passes and found a cardboard tardis set up down the hall. Evan managed to get pictures with at least 15 different groups of cosplayers all wanting to get a picture with a doctor. Eventually, we all decided there really wasn't anything else we needed to stay for and headed to Alan's place to watch a movie. Movie of choice? Mulan, of course! Though there was quite a bit of debate over which movie to watch. The movie ended and Evan, Hoang, Michael, and Lauren all decided to go home. Andy, Alan, and I continued the movies though with Naussica of the Valley of the Wind. I fell asleep unfortunately, though I woke up at the end. Good thing I've seen the movie before. All of us were exhausted and headed to bed once it was over. 

Day Three:

      Ah Sunday morning. We had to wake up a bit early because Andy wanted to see Chantral Strand, a guest of honor at Fanime. While they headed to their panel, I had to drop off some black and white ball stuff in my cousin's hotel room and shower. We planned to go to the speed dating event, but the line was wayyyy too full. So I met up with Andy after the panel while Alan went to find a girl he had met earlier. Andy and I hung out until we ran into an unsuccessful Alan. We grabbed lunch and before Alan and Andy went to a signing by the voice actress from earlier. Meanwhile, I went to get my Black and White Ball stuff because I wanted to make sure I could grab it in time. First time, no luck. So I went back down to meet the guys after the autograph line. I went back up to the hotel with them. Second time, still no luck. Finally, we were wandering around the floor when the guys discovered that a cosplayers they love, Vampy, was at Fanime. It became a mad dash to find her. Somehow we all separated, so I went to the hotel room for the third time. Finally! I managed to grab the ball stuff. Aka, my dress. I came out of the hotel victorious, then wondered where in the heck everyone was. I managed to find Andy next to a motorcycle decked out to look a bit like Senketsu from Kill la Kill. He was getting pictures of some of the cosplayers posing on the bike as well as discussing the bike itself with the owner. After a while, the bike owner left with the motorcycle and we wandered around to continue to find Vampy. Eventually, Alan and another guy we know, Jesus, caught up with us and helped us look. Alan was the one who won the race and we all ran over to greet her. 

Me and VampyBitMe!!

Then I changed into my Ball dress and put my stuff in Alan's car. I went to grab my phone when I realized that oh snap. I left it in the bathroom at the Fairmont. I ran back as fast as I could and discovered the security had it. I got it back, thank goodness and headed to the ball. Andy and Alan went their own way in the meantime. I danced with plenty of different folks, most of them completely terrible, but they definitely made it amusing. Except for when I was elbowed in the face. Not so fun. I started feeling really sick though, so I left the ball and called them to tell them I was out. They came and found me at the Fairmont, feeling slightly better, but not enough to move. We went back to Alan's, charged our phones, I changed into something way more comfortable and we headed back to fanime. We ended up playing BS, where thanks to my lunch bunch's training I won about four out of six times. Then we headed out to the rave. Alan and I ended up leaving early because we weren't really into it and just played speed until 4 am. Andy stayed until it shut down at four. Then we watched some amvs and watched Wolf Children. We ended up leaving around 6:30 in the morning. I drove my car back home so I could go to a doctor's appointment later and ended up crashing until about 10 am. 

Day Four:

      Alright. I'm separating here cause this is when my Monday really began. I got up and ran to my cousin's hotel room because I had accidentally left some shower stuff in her room. I went to the dealers hall, bought some cool ear cuffs and headed back to my car to go to my doctors appointment. Then I headed back to hang out with Alan and Andy some more. We ended up hanging out until around 7 pm, getting dinner and having an unofficial photo shoot for Andy who was in his SNK gear. We ended the day hanging out at Hoang's place getting another dinner. 

Guys, I'm not going to lie, it took me four days to write this post. Everything kept blurring together. I had to ask Alan twice what happened which days. It was a lot of fun though. At the end of our time at the convention center, the three of us who had stuck together the whole time got a picture in front of the con center. 

Andy, Alan, and I

I have a post for you guys hopefully coming up tomorrow, so stay posted. How was your Memorial Day weekend? Let me know!

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Summer Vacation

Hello Readers!

I don't know about many of you, but every time I go on Facebook, my Newsfeed is filled with folks talking about their finals and how close they are to done with either high school or the year they're in at college. These lucky ducks who must be on the semester system or something keep talking about how they're done or close to done and meanwhile, I keep thinking, Man, I wish I were done. I'll celebrate when I get to the end of June. I keep having to remind myself that while yes, I am only half-way done, the plans I have for summer will have been worth the wait. There are a couple of things that I know for sure are happening and a few that I won't know until dates are settled. One that is definitely happening: A family friend is getting married! We're flying to Seattle for their wedding in August. Another one is Disneyland. I will be Disneybounding, also in August, though I'm not entirely sure which characters yet. Rapunzel is on my list though for sure.

Man, it feels like summer already. It doesn't feel like it's only week six. Ugh. Time has flown by though. I have my first midterm test of the quarter next week, although there's a midterm project that's due Thursday. It's strange thinking about summer too, because I now have two different groups and while I want to spend as much time as possible with both, it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Speaking of plays, we had one of those group projects i mentioned before due in class today. We were performing a content-less scene. It was definitely a new experience for me since I was the director of the group, but I liked how my group worked. And the only real criticism the professor had was about one actor's pacing, so I'd say the whole thing went really well.

I'm writing this while waiting for one of my classes to start and I have to say, it's getting a little easier every day. I don't mean classes and I don't mean how busy I've been. I mean it's getting easier to wake up in the morning and not have the same face-to-face support that I had from my Lunch Bunch. It's getting easier to make friends. It's getting easier to be myself. I'm getting better at this stuff everyday. It's getting easier to open up with people. And when I do stumble, it's getting easier to get back up. I feel less afraid to make mistakes. I know that this whole paragraph is a tad bit random, but oh well.

If you're still in school, how's it going? Happy to be ending the year soon?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

New Year's Eve

Hello all!

Firstly, I'd like to wish all my readers a fantastic New Year's! You made it through 2013, but now it's time to create new experiences, memories, and even mistakes. May you be blessed through 2014, creating both experiences and mistakes to learn and grow from, good memories to look back on, and strong new friendships.

And now, some reflections.

2013, for me at least, was such a busy year! Honestly, it was my busiest yet! But not in a bad way. In fact, I enjoyed the busy. Almost always having something to do. My hope for the coming year is to be just as busy with friends and family. (Also on my list: getting a part time job. Not looking forward to that one as much.) Things I've done this year? Well, I graduated high school. I went to my school's version of prom and homecoming. I spent the perfect amount of time with friends. Sure, I had some downfalls. Sometimes, things didn't always look bright. But in retrospect, I feel blessed for every moment I've had.  And I challenge you to look back on your year, briefly, celebrate the good and the bad, then continue to this new year with a positive attitude and absolutely no sadness from the previous year. The past is in the past and now is a clean new year.

So now that we've covered all those shenanigans and motivating words. Let's talk New Year's Eve parties, shall we?

Now, I don't know what kind of celebrations you all have. Maybe you spend the evening with just family, I know my family did that for quite sometime. Maybe you have wild parties. Do you watch the ball drop? Set off fireworks?

Last year, I myself went to a very enthusiastic and loud party at my friend Kayla's place. And while I was invited again this year, I chose instead to spend it at Mrs. I's place with GI, Mr. I, and plenty of familiar people. NH, IN, RP, MJ and so many more. Now, having never been to their annual party, I had no idea what to expect. I think I overdressed a little. Oh well. I like the skirt I wore. Totally worth it. But jeans would probably have been the smarter move. Anywho, it was very much a family style gathering. Apparently, a tradition they have is to celebrate New Year's once at 9:30 (originally for the little kids, who are now in college) and then again at Midnight. I liked that. It was really fun to learn to play so many new games. And, I was able to stay a bit longer to play video games with GI. I actually kind of made progress in Batman: Arkham Asylum! Yay! Progress! And basically, around 2:30 when everyone else left, GI and I pulled an all-nighter to play Batman. Which was really fun! Despite my terror of Killer Croc. Almost worse than Fern Gully. Almost. Anywho, I'm actually about to hit the sack. Despite the fact that it's 7:40, because, I'm exhausted.

But, please, tell me, what was your New Year's Eve like?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Hobbit & Denny's: Round 2

So, I know I started this blog before the first Hobbit and Denny's escapade and therefore saying Round 2 probably makes no sense. But I think the title is more for my benefit at this point anyways. I mean, for those people who I know read my blog, *cough* Gregory *cough cough* Travis *cough*, do you actually pay attention to the titles? I'm honestly curious.

Anyways, where was I? Oh right. The Hobbit and Denny's. A little backstory for those readers who weren't there. Which is most of you. Last year, there was a group of people who all went to the Hobbit premiere. Now I can't say much about the movie experience. Because really, I think everybody who is reading my blog knows what it's like to see a movie in theaters. There's not much to say except you sat in a dark room watching a big screen. Now maybe it's different for some people. But for me, that's usually what it's like. Wow. Tangents. Apparently I have lots of them. ANYWAYS. So after we went out and saw the premiere, there were four of us. I believe it was RD, GI, and MH. Correct me, GI, if I'm wrong though. And I can honestly say it's one of my favorite memories of spending time with any of my lunch bunch. If you want to know more of those fave moments, I reference some in my post "To the Guys". Just FYI.

This year, I wanted to do it again. Now, I know, I know, recreating the exact memory would be impossible. Okay. That's fine. But it doesn't mean I couldn't create similar ones, right? So I waited to see The Hobbit until tonight, or I suppose last night and this morning, with all of my lunch bunch. Now true to (almost) every event I ever plan ever, not everyone could make it. Which was sad. But, I think it still worked out. I hate planning things. Planning this especially was nightmarish due to trying to cater to everyone's schedule. However! I managed to figure things out not too terribly! We joined with another group led by MW to actually see the movie. I did not expect that the entirety of the group who went to see the movie would go to Denny's as well. And so, there were about 20 of us (probably a few less) who all came to Denny's around midnight for laughter, friendship, and enjoyment.

I must say, while I will always remember the first time around with Denny's and the first Hobbit movie, this night was perfect. It wasn't at all what I expected and normally, I'd be disappointed that things didn't go according to plan. But this was better. In everyway. I know it wasn't my event (probably why it went so well), but it's probably one of the better things I even attempted to plan. I'd say matched only by bowling back in August.

To you, my dear readers, I ask, how has your weekend been? Do you have fun or exciting plans for the holidays?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Winter NorCal Gathering 2013

Well, today was the winter NorCal gathering of cosplayers and photographers. I really didn't want to pull together a Cosplay at the last minute, so I gathered together some steam-punk stuff that I already had. When I arrived in Fremont for this thing, Lauren, who I was supposed to be meeting was no where to be seen. Of course, I knew she would be running late as she had told me she was leaving half an hour later than myself. However! While I was waiting for her, I met up with Cameron and Amber, who at the last gathering were dressed as x-men. This time Cameron was Supergirl and Amber was Batgirl. I don't remember if I mentioned before, but Amber is the one who has Kryptonian tattooed on her arm.

Anywho, with all the steampunk I had, most people asked if I was from Firefly. And eventually I decided it was easier to just say that I was gender-bent Malcolm Reynolds instead of trying to explain being an O.C. As soon as I take my pictures off my camera, I'll add some in right here:

But alas! I had to leave the gathering early so that I could go home and decorate sugar cookies. I may or may not have been a little inspired by the gathering: 

Also, one of the cookies was broken in half. This was the result: 

My family has somewhat of a morbid sense of humor sometimes. I got to decorate the bottom half. Hehe. 

*sighs* Ugh. I still have so much to do. I half to make sure I stop at like 50 different places (which is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like 50 sometimes) by the end of the week. Oi.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll have more to report on things I've done tomorrow. But in the mean time, how is your weekend going? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Opposite of Winning

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you can't win? Like nothing you do is good enough? Like you're not good enough? Today was kind of one of those days for me. 

Today, I went to the city with a bunch of friends who are all home for the holidays. I should have been having a great day. I got to hang out with some great people, we had a great time at the wharf. Fun stuff! So why didn't it feel that way? I honestly don't know what word I would use to describe exactly what emotion was going through my head. I know depressed would be floating around in there somewhere. All I know is that by the end of the day, I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. There was a moment looking into the water at a fountain, that a glimmer of the old me, the depressed me came back through my reflection and that scares me. It scares me how easily and quickly I can go from totally okay to thinking about how easy ending things would be. I don't ever want to act on that feeling. But what if it gets worse? What if one day, that fear doesn't come and that part of me stays more than a moment? I hate living like this. Wondering when the depression will strike again. I never want to tell anyone that I'm even struggling because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me, but there are so many times during the day that sometimes I need someone to just give me a hug, or ask me if I'm okay. And unfortunately, I know that can't happen. I know there not always going to be someone there to keep me grounded. I just hope there will be someone when it's really bad. Because I don't know if I'm strong enough on my own. 

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Last College Group

Okay so yesterday, I went to the last college group at Jehaan and Julie's house since they're moving to Canada in January. Kayla suggested that we all come about a half an hour early to have dinner too and that we could bake and decorate shortbread cookies. She also generously provided all the supplies for cookies. And yes, I was sad that it was the last one, but I'm not going to talk about how sad and mopey I am. Instead, I'm going to talk about how fun decorating was! So Kayla had this acorn cookie cutter, but the stem broke off from the dough before it got baked and I guess if kind of looked like a Pikachu. And once Julie made frosting, I got to decorate the Pikachu cookie! Yay!!

Also, Laura made an orange peel and toothpick creation that looked like a boat. And she decorated one orange peel to look like water. Pictures were taken! It was really fun!

On an entirely different subject, I have this friend from my ballroom class, Guillermo, who I talk to about tons of random stuff like SciFi and other fun stuff. It's really great because we'll be talking ad not even realize that an hour has passed. And normally we talk after dance is over, so it's like 9:30 before we decide to end the conversation and go home. And I have to admit, I miss being able to do that with people on a regular basis. So since today was the last dance class (cause it's finals week!),  we both agreed to stay in touch. Plus, I think we're both hoping to take Archery in the spring (or whatever quarter it's available). Seriously though, we start talking about something and will lead to something completely different. And when we get to something more serious like politics or religion, we'll be talking and all of a sudden ask ourselves why that subject, and in his case, "Why not Furbies?" Which lead to us talking about gremlins. Don't feed them after midnight. Or put them in water. Nope nope nope! And most of the time, we're just joking around about stuff. I like being able to be so relaxed and worry-free in conversation. I feel like I've been missing that too, just being able to say something and not have it go the wrong way. I feel like I can be myself. I don't have to pretend that I'm XYZ or anything. I'm not trying to be all sad and depressing or anything, cause I'm super happy right now, but I haven't felt this care-free in a really long time. I'm really glad that I've actually been able to make some friends that I can feel this way around. I definitely feel like I have a clean-slate. Not that I need it or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to reinvent myself, but dancing is just one of those things that always brings out a much more confident version of me and I feel like this quarter, I've been able to apply that to life in general. I have a nice outlook on life and stuff.


And yet again, crazy random subject change. Seriously, there's no motivation behind these changes other than my brain just going, "ooh! shiny!" but with topics of conversation and blogging... Anyways! I realized what I like most about my church. I just figured it out the other day. Part of it is the pastor, but the other part is the people. In other churches that I've visited, I see a bunch of people who are trying really hard to cover up all their flaws so they can pretend everything is perfect. In my church, I see a lot of broken people who are just as desperate for Jesus as I am. I don't see a single person in my church who seems like they have it all together. Some may be farther in their walk with God, but even the pastor is broken and being healed. It's real people with real problems, but they're actually willing to talk about it and be open about things in their life. I guess I just really like that I don't feel like an outsider for being broken too.

Anyways, is there someone or something that brings out a totally different side of you? Or maybe it just makes you feel more confident? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Impatience

Gahhh! So my room has kind of been in shambles while I redecorate and what-not. I moved my desk out I my room to make room for one that my grandma helped me order from IKEA. So now, I'm just waiting for it to come. It's pretty much supposed to come any day now. I'm really really impatient about it coming though. Plus, I feel a little stuck with cleaning until it comes. Argh! I mean, there's stuff I can do, but it's hard because the stuff I I really want to take care of is stuff I need the desk for. Also, I think I want to get different bookshelves too.

Of course, cleaning and redecorating has kind of taken a back seat until finals are over. I can't wait until this next week is over. Then it's freedom! At least until next quarter. But I get something like 3 weeks of vacation, so, that's something. Also, my finals week coincidentally ends the same day that The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug comes out. Which means that I get to have my own little party of one to celebrate surviving my first quarter of college! Or at least it's a party of one until people come home again. Actually, that's a bit of an exaggeration. There are plenty of people here that I could go see it with. But I don't really want to see it with anyone else until I see it with some of my lunch bunch. Which may never happen, but I'm gonna hold out hope that I can which is why I'm not planning on going with a bunch of people. And that is why I'm planning on going by myself at least the first time around. 

I just want this quarter to be OVER already. One more week left. And, I'm pretty sure I'm past the worst week. I only have like 3 more things due next week and the rest is all tests. Two of them are on Monday and the last is Friday, meaning it should be a breeze. 

Anyways, hope your week went well. Fun plans? Stressing plans? Let me know! 

And now I will bid you adieu.

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 3

Ughhhh. So much homework. I may or may not have been avoiding doing it all weekend. But really, if you had friends that were in town for the week and y'know family plans and what not, would you do homework? I don't think so! But it's killing me now. Actually, all in all, it's not that bad. Just 2 days worth of transition matrices, 2 anthropology journals, two speeches, and most likely an 8 page term paper. Baby steps though. Besides, I've edited about half of the Twilight Sparkle photos that I took in October! So progress was made today! It just took me a while to start. I still need to edit my Sharks photos from the Senators game also in October, but that's more of a personal project. It can wait until after finals.

So here's the delightful updates to end the week with. Friday, I went to this family dinner night things at one of the various churches that I've been even remotely involved in. There I saw many of my friends who I hadn't seen at college group (same church associated btw). So that was exciting. It was a potluck, and I have to admit, I really wasn't thinking that far in advance, plus I honestly didn't know if I was going to go, so I ended up bringing store-bought pumpkin pie. I know, I know, I could've done better. At least I brought something! I played Flashpoint for the second time ever. But we lost this time. We didn't save enough people unfortunately, or more to the point, too many people died in a fiery explosion of death and destruction. So there was that.

Anyways, after that fun event, I dropped GI off at his place where RP was waiting. We had a nice chat about things that had happened while we were at college and so on and so forth.

The next day, RP had a barbeque that a good portion of the Lunch Bunch attended. I have to admit, I think it was one of the best events I attended during the week. It was definitely the one I felt the most at ease at. At the same time though, I didn't want it to end because I knew once it did, I'd have to say goodbye again. And sure, it's not for nearly as long, but it still sucks. Every time. It's what makes me wish that I were away at college. I feel like if I were away, I'd be more distracted from everyone else leaving. But enough sad mopey-ness for now. I have more to tell!

I found out by strange happen-stance that RP and I went to the same preschool. Not the same teachers, but still.

The guys ended up playing Ultimate Frisbee while the girls (all three of us) watched them. And then came mischief. MJ, AC, and I teamed up to mess with their keys and wallets which they had left with us. We made sure all was sorted out before they left, so no harm done! But it was amusing to do.

I've decided. This week was not nearly long enough. And so my new time to count down for is the week after my finals. The guys, or at least GI, agreed that when the second Hobbit movie comes out, we should all go as a group to see it and pretend it's the midnight premiere.

The story behind that being, we went last year and made some very hilarious memories at a Denny's after the show.

So if we pretend it's the midnight premiere, we can all go out to Denny's again and create new memories. Definitely stuff for the scrap book.

At this point though, it's time to stop avoiding work. I've been working on and off while typing this. But now it's time for me to bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 1

There are a few things going on this week that I want to talk about, and I'm probably going to make a few posts about it, so bare with me this week and we can all get through it.

For starters, quite a few alumni, specifically friends from my grade, have come home for the week, or at least part of the week. And I must say, I have been excited for this week to come since the day everyone left. I had nothing specific in mind of what I wanted to happen this week. It's not like I planned every second of every day and what kinds of shenanigans I could get into this week. I was honestly just excited to see everyone. But now that so many people are home, the excitement is gone. I've talked with a few people about this and they definitely helped me figure out the mess of emotions that I'm feeling. And I've realized, that before they came home, I had been feeling like I only had to hold everything together until people were home, then everything would all of a sudden be better. All of a sudden, I wouldn't feel so broken. I wouldn't need to hold myself together, because I'd be totally fine. And now that they're home, I still feel broken. That part hasn't changed. And I'm angry with myself for breaking down now. I mean, I'm glad that the people that I'm breaking down around are so supportive of me. But at the same time, I look at things like Facebook and everyone seems to be happy in college as though they're totally fine and moving on easily. Sometimes I see that and think I'm the only one struggling. After talking with my friend Travis, I know I'm not the only one, but I still feel like I have to put on a brave face and pretend everything's okay.

But that's just a piece of this week for me.

The other major part is Thanksgiving Day. Years ago, when Keegan was born, I made a trade-off. I knew I wanted to spend Christmas with him and watch him grow up. In order to spend Christmas with him though, it meant that I had to give a holiday to my dad. Specifically Thanksgiving. I figured, hey, it's really only one day. It doesn't make a huge difference or anything. If it were up to me, I'd spend every holiday with my mom. But this Thanksgiving, we'll be joined by my dad's girlfriend and her mother. not that I dislike his girlfriend, but it's a little awkward for me. Especially since she's 24. So that's part two.

I'll have to let y'all know how the week continues, but this is just kind of a piece of the week. Hopefully, y'all are all having a better week.

So I'll bid you adieu for now.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

2nd Wave

So, according to some of my college bound friends, you are a first waver if you left a certain week in August and a second waver is you leave (or start school) in September. It's caught on for most people, but I just can't do it. All I can think about is the Xanth series by Piers Anthony where the second wave is an army of savages that pillages the magical land of Xanth. Yeah. Excuse me while I go be a nerd in my own little corner. Btw, major bonus points to anyone who actually understands what on earth I'm talking about.

On a different note, I went to see The Mortal Instruments with AC a couple days ago and I did post that night, but not about the movie. Having not read the books, I'll admit, I was super confused. But I liked it. Although, I was also extremely happy to see Robert Sheehan from Misfits (which honestly, I don't recommend. It's highly inappropriate, so if you do decide to see it, you were warned). But Robert's character Nathan is one of my favorites from the show, so I was super excited when I realized who it was. Also, for those warehouse fans out there, Mrs. Fredericks was in it!! Which was also exciting to see. So, yeah, I was happy to recognize some folks. Otherwise, I was just creeped out.

And on an entirely different note from that! Yesterday was my boyfriend's birthday as well as my friend RP. For NH, I went with his family to this restaurant called igatti which is an Italian place, but they serve gluten free food, which is why we went. We had a wonderful meal celebrating NH, but his family surprised me by telling the waiting staff that they were celebrating my birthday too since mine is next week and they would be out of town on my birthday. It was really sweet.

Okay, enough tangents.

With that I bid you adieu!

Sincerely,
PolarBearMoose <3

Dear Facebook

*sigh* I'm done Facebook. I'm just done. I want to be able to keep up with what my friends are doing. I want to still be involved in their lives. And Facebook, you've been a great tool for that. But I can't keep this up. As much as I appreciate it, now I'm just sad. Sad to see that my friend RG from high school is friends with BA, someone I met on a college visit and is going to the same college that I will eventually be at, but I can't be there to enjoy the mutuality of the friendship. Sad to see everyone post pictures of their dorms, while I sit in the same place that I'm going to be for the next two years while I take the less expensive road through community college. Sad that some of my best friends are moving on in their lives while I feel stuck. Once college starts, I suspect I'll be taking a hiatus from you to attempt to form new friendships and try to stop feeling jealous toward other friends. I'm beating myself up over this and it needs to stop. Now preferably.

I wish I could be there now. You all are creating your freshman memories now. Memories I won't ever really be able to create. If I could have gone straight there, I would have. I wish that could have been an option.

To my friends who are in college, especially BA and RG, you look like you're having fun. I hope you'll catch me up when I get their, okay girls? I'll be there soon. Just a couple years and I'll be there.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Breakfast Club

Well, today was a average Monday. I got up, showered, got myself ready for the day then went to the last day of orientation. We took a quiz and I got my suggested schedule back with the counselor's comments that I "won't have time to dance". Um. Hello? One of the classes I'm taking is ballroom. I just found that to be odd. Anyways though, I have confidence that I can do it. I'm starting anew with classes. There aren't teacher's from my high school gossiping in the teacher's lounge about which students are the trouble makers. I have a fresh start. So, yeah. Anyways. We got out super early, so I got a ride from my new friend J. She and I talked about culture shock and other such things like what Americans eat. Since there's no college group tonight, I figured my night would be pretty dull, with me mainly sitting in bed watching Glee and Warehouse 13 the rest of the evening. But surprise, surprise, ES invited me and a few other people to watch the Breakfast Club and have breakfast for dinner. An in that moment, my evening was saved! ES mentioned that GI would be going and suggested I could get a ride from him. A few minutes later he texted me, offering to give me a ride. I love it when a plan comes together. Anyways, pajamas were recommended so I wore my beat up Hershey's Kisses pj's (because they're the only pair of pajamas I own with pockets). When GI showed up in jeans, I was afraid I'd be the only one, but when we arrived, others were in pj's too. I can say that I officially tried something new too! I am a very picky eater, so I was a little scared when spinach got mixed in with the scrambled eggs, but I have to say, I enjoyed it. Success for me, yippee!! It was great being able to spend the time with friends. Especially AM, since she'll be leaving for college in just a few more days. Gosh I'm gonna miss our mic girl conversations. She's going to go far though. I can tell.

NOTE* You may be wondering why I'm posting about this. Well, let me explain: I refuse to let this blog be a place that is sad and depressing for me and I feel like I've posted a lot about me being sentimental, sad, and nostalgic. Not that any of those are bad, but I need this to be a place that I can come when I am amazingly happy too. So, I'm working on that. *

Anywho, on an entirely different note, do you ever just get a song stuck in your head, but if you start singing it, you know people are going to think you're insane? Yeah, I've have PAINT's "After Ever After" song stuck in my head all day.

And on an even more random note, did you know Robert Downey Jr. can sing? Thanks to NH, for showing me that one.

Okay, I'm going to stop before you get lost in the sea of tangents going through my head.

Adieu to you all.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Game Night

So yesterday, I went to GI's house for dinner and a game night along with AC, ES, RP, and BV.  After sharing a wonderful meal with Mr. and Mrs. I and the rest of the gang, we got down to business: playing 7 Wonders. Now I had never played before, so ES helped me throughout the whole game, which was really nice. The game moved fairly quickly, partial thanks to AC who forced people to move faster by counting down in her impatience. Afterwards, we played one game, we had dessert (store bought angel food cake, sliced strawberries, and cupcakes made by AC's mom). We were going to play another game of 7 Wonders, but because of the time, we decided to play the Great Dalmuti instead. This one they taught me in Mexico, so I was well prepared. Of course, I was the greater peon. Again. ES was the great dalmuti and ordered me to balance a folder on my head. I seriously dislike whoever made that a house rule -_- Nonetheless it was a great night spent with friends.

On a different note, and the real reason I wanted to blog, I've been having one-sided negative feelings towards one of the people at the game night which I don't want, but I'm not sure what to do about. But yesterday, I guess I was feeling less angsty toward her because I invited her to an early birthday party that I'm throwing for myself before all my friends leave. She later contacted me and said she wasn't sure if she'd go (her ex is also coming), but still, I think I did right by inviting her. I didn't think I would, until I saw her yesterday and decided to ask. Maybe it's from bowling with the guys or something else, but I feel more forgiving, which is good, so I'm rolling with it.

And with that note, I need to finish cleaning before people arrive for the party.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

A Day with Friends

Remember how I said my love language was Quality Time? Well its amazing what some good quality time can do. You see, there's this group of guys that are like brothers to me. I call them my Lunch Bunch, and when I'm not talking directly to them, yes, I do use possessive pronouns. They are some of my closest friends. And it's hard for me to see them leave because I know things won't be the same once they're gone. They've been with me through so much, I can't imagine starting college without them. But that's not the point of this post.

So I've wanted to go bowling for the past month and I finally found a time that would work. So today, I met up with them at the bowling alley before we went to Denny's to get lunch. We laughed over stories from our summers and from teasing each other, like usual. On the way back to the bowling alley (it hadn't been open when we first got there), I couldn't help but smile the whole time because of the time I was spending with them. It was amazingly fun. Especially since somehow I managed to get all the guys there. All the ones I wanted there, showed up. I'm floating on this great feeling that I haven't felt for the past week. All summer, I have been forcing myself to go to events that honestly, I wouldn't care whether I went or not and the act of getting there was hassle some. But I have forced myself for fear of missing out on something. There's something else planned for tomorrow, but this time, I honestly don't care if I miss out. It's the first time I've felt it all summer and I think it's because I got to spend this day with my guys. I couldn't help but laugh and be happy the whole day, because I felt so tremendously loved by the time spent with them.

I think at some point, I will be writing a post that will really be a thank you letter to all of them, but not right now. Also, coming soon I will have a post about a photo shoot I did the other day, so stay tuned for more from the PolarBearMoose. Don't forget to check out my tumblr!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Five Love Languages

So, a while ago, I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book explains that there are as the title describes, five basic ways love can be expressed and received. They are as follows:

• Physical Touch
• Gifts
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Words

So for a long time, I was convinced that my love language was gifts, mainly because of something my mom had told me about when I was younger. But somehow, that didn't feel right. Maybe it was because I just didn't want it to be, but I discovered recently what my love language truly is. I just kind of wish I'd figured it out differently. My love language is Quality Time. The reason I know? I feel close to people when I am near them. The more time I spend with people, the more I feel loved by them. But that's not how I figured it out. See, I read in the book something that I hadn't thought about til recently: When those with Quality Time as their primary love language have plans cancelled on them, it can be devastating. I thought about that when recently I had someone cancel plans after getting sick. Now, while in my head, I knew they had a perfectly legitimate reason to cancel, I still felt horrible after finding out. It was then that all the pieces fell together. For example, I have separation anxiety, which is likely a result from my love language. The fact that some of my closest friends are leaving for college, I think I finally understand why I have been having such a hard time coping with that. I'm afraid of the lack of quality time. It's the reason summers depress me more than winter, the lack of quality time with my friends.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3