The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

In Memorium

I haven't blogged in about a week and a half. And it wasn't for lack of things to say.

A friend of mine committed suicide at age 16 last Monday. And honestly, nothing feels like it could ever be the same. He was hit by a train. Today was his Memorial Service. I didn't want to blog about this until I knew more. And I didn't want to blog about anything else until I talked about this.

Walker was amazing. At his memorial, his father said of him, "He taught himself to read at age four. He then read every book in the house. One day I came home and he was holding a book upside down. I told him, 'You looking at it upside down'. He responded, 'No I already read it the right way, not I want to read it this way'". That's the kind of kid he was. He was brilliant. But he was also amazingly artistic. He had a love and fascination for music. I remember this one time, he was so excited. He came into Spanish class and was telling me how the door behind the theater squeaked at just the right pitch and note that he could tune himself to the door for the song. He told me that every day for a week. I didn't have the heart to tell him he'd mentioned it already. He was too excited. But it wasn't just the people who knew him somewhat well who were touched by him. He met my cousin backstage once. Literally, once. When I told her that a friend had passed, she didn't ask who, she just held me. When I mentioned his name offhand, she immediately knew exactly who I was talking about and was saddened. "It was Walker?" She asked. "Oh no! He was so sweet!" After random meeting. Others have said of him, he was able to capture everyone's hearts.

And then there were the spoons. He gave people spoons, just because. Often with faces on them. I wish I'd kept mine though it had no face. Because I know now, I won't get a spoon from him again. Unless he gives them out in heaven. Which honestly, would not surprise me if he did. I can see him now, passing them out to the angels with the biggest grin on his face.

And man did he annoy me sometimes. He was so innocent about it too. He was the kind of person that wanted to be where the people were. So he'd forget that he wasn't allowed in the sound booth. And we'd constantly have o remind him to get out of the sound booth. I'm going to miss that. When I met him four years ago, I don't know that I could have ever known the kind of impact he would have on my life.

I just keep picturing him turning to me and saying, "I'm okay now. Don't worry about me." I wish I could have said goodbye. I wish I could have had one last real conversation with him. But now I guess I'll just have to wait until it's my turn to get to heaven.

For someone my age, I've been to too many funerals and memorials. I don't like it. Not one bit. I know death is inevitable, but this was too early for him. I wish there were a way I could go back in time and do something. Anything. But I can't.

So Walker, I'm so sorry that you're gone, but I hope to see you again someday.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3