Hello Readers,
It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.
Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.
So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.
I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.
You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.
Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Hello Readers,
If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.
In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.
Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.
But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.
The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.
Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.
The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.
I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.
In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.
Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.
But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.
The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.
Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.
The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.
I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Hello Readers,
It's been a while since I posted anything, huh? Time has gotten away from me and I haven't really been home all that much. At this point, I don't really know where to begin to cover it all, so I probably won't be filling in the gap between this post and the last. There's actually something else I wanted to talk about.
When I was fifteen, I dated this guy, we'll call him "R". I had liked him for a while, so I was excited when we started dating. I was fairly inexperienced in all facets of a relationship when we began the relationship. He on the other hand had a large amount of experience, especially in the physical aspect. Unfortunately, he didn't understand my reasoning on why I wanted to wait for marriage in quite a few regards and was incredibly pushy on the subject. Although he claimed to be patient, it was clear to me that he wanted more. In the end, it was the reason I broke up with him. But not before I had already passed my comfort zone by a fair amount. Being a fifteen year old girl in her second relationship ever, I didn't really know how to say no. I don't think I really even understood that I could say no. And so I consented to much more than I'd ever wanted. And I kept all of it inside. I never told a soul about my experience, I was so ashamed of myself for what little I had done. Before I had met this boy, I'd never had a real kiss. And after him, I was one step away from losing my virginity.
Eventually, after I became a Christian, I did tell one person. Another boy, but someone who had been my friend throughout all the other hard times. Someone I thought I could trust. We'll call him "Blue" for the purpose of this post and because I have tried to remain friends with him despite advise from countless people who I have told this part of my life to. When at first I told Blue, he offered support in the form of hugs and a shoulder to cry on which I appreciated whole-heartedly. But then he began to abuse the information. He started to ask for favors, sexual favors like those I'd had with R. At first, I gave him consent because I felt that my body was worthless anyways since I'd already given away so much. But I began to feel uncomfortable. I relayed to Blue my fears with the continuation of whatever arrangement we had. He continually persuaded that he had no intention of breaking my trust and assured me that our friendship came first. I told him very specifically that I did not want to be used and I didn't want to even come close to that feeling. He reassured me that of course he wouldn't do that and of course he wanted to make sure my comfort came first. But every time we talked, the conversation always turned toward the subject that I was least excited about and our supposed friendship began to revolve solely around that. It came to the point that he refused to look at me in person because he was so insistent on making sure that neither of us were suspected of being more than friends. When I mentioned that I didn't like that feeling, he promised that he would try to not act so cold toward me, but it didn't happen. Eventually, I decided enough was enough. I told myself the next time we talked or hung out in person one-on-one, I'd tell him I was through. Before I could, he called it off through Facebook message. While I was relieved, I wanted to talk to him about why I felt the same, I wanted to reconcile with him about the whole thing. But we haven't talked since. Not in person though we've seen each other countless times in groups and not online. Not at all.
After both incidents of favors, I regretted every moment. I hated myself. I felt like trash, completely and utterly worthless. And I was torn because I thought I needed both of these people in my life. But I don't. I have realized that with the help of amazing friends. Throughout the past few months at college, especially with the Stormblades, I have come to a place of healing. I have told many of them my experiences in pieces though one or two know all the details from the depression to Blue of my life and have supported me and affirmed me. Which is not to say that my healing rests in their hands. But they certainly have helped me to speed the process of finding peace.
The other night, I was at a Worship service with my College Youth Group, when mid-way through I realized something amazing. I hadn't realized until that night, but I finally feel whole again. I feel like a human being. And I feel worthy of friendship, of peace, and most importantly, of God's love. For the past two years after becoming a Christian, I accepted the love I felt, but I most certainly didn't feel like I should be receiving any of it. I wondered why I was the recipient of so much of his love when I had such sins on my heart. But I finally feel whole whereas when I converted, I felt so incredibly broken, I didn't think I'd ever be healed. I thought I'd carry my brokenness my whole life with no end in sight, but I haven't been carrying it for weeks. I can't say when I became whole again, but I am so grateful that I am now. I've finally made it to a place that I can type these words without tears. I can finally tell people my story. My whole story with far less break-down than ever before. And I can finally trust again. I can open myself to people in a way that I never could before. The past two years have held such an amazing healing journey for me and I am so glad that I have reached this place. I won't pretend that there won't be more challenges along the way, but I finally feel strong enough to make it through whatever challenge I may face. I have God and an entire community of support around me.
Sorry for the life-story post after so long of not blogging, but it was something I felt I needed to share. It is something for me worth celebrating and letting go of. Hopefully, I won't go on a hiatus for so long again, though I don't know that I can make any guarantees until summer is over for me.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Alright, the last time I did something like this it was because I was scared that I was losing my Lunch Bunch. My post, "To The Guys", was much more of a goodbye than anything else, and although I have not and will no say goodbye to them, I needed to create that post to express my extreme gratitude for having them when I did. But now, I need to talk about another group of people. No, I need to talk to them. And this time, I'm saying hello.
To The Stormblades,
How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.
Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.
The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.
And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
To The Stormblades,
How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.
Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.
The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.
And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Monday, June 2, 2014
Hey everyone!
Okay, one day late on when I said I'd post. Not too bad though, right? So let's talk about Saturday. If you're following me on instagram, you already know a little about my Saturday and what I'm going to talk about.
I woke up Saturday morning, checked my clock and realized, "Oh snap! I have 15 minutes to get ready and leave!" So I rushed around like crazy, grabbed everything and managed to head out the door. To what you might ask? I was going to my friend's graduation. Actually, it was multiple friends. I made it there just in time, thank goodness, found some alumni I knew, and grabbed a seat in the bleachers to watch the procession. I'm not going to lie, I was confused. I realize that a lot of people were trying to keep a straight face, but I want to know why so many people were frowning? Really, why? You're passing a major milestone of your life, you've survived four years of high school, you made it! Why would you frown? And it wasn't just one person, I saw multiple people frowning. For the most part, however, there were lots of smiles, and plenty of happy faces. The ceremony itself was beautiful. I won't go into details about the graduation itself, but I do want to take the time to address the graduating class of 2014 about the year ahead.
Congratulations. I'll start there, because you have not only made it through high school, but you've made it through at least 17 years of life and everything that has been thrown at you. For at least 17 years, you have had so many challenges thrown your way. Maybe they were small challenges and you had no problem. Maybe they were huge challenges and you didn't know how you'd get out. But you survived. It's not the end of the challenges you'll face. It's not the end of the road. And it's certainly not the last time you'll want or need to celebrate. No matter how prepared for college you think you are, you'll be caught unaware. You'll be ready for for all the things you planed for, absolutely. But you're going to have a lot of wild cards thrown your way. There are going to be a lot of things that you are completely unprepared for and it's going to be challenging. Guess what, you'll be making new friends. It doesn't matter if you're going to school with someone you're close with or not, you're going to have to make new friends. If you're going to college, classes are never going to meet your expectations. They'll either be far more advanced than you think or far more ridiculous than you want. Don't lose hope though. You'll make it through. Celebrate the little things. Because you'll get stressed, and the community you built in high school isn't going to be as easy to get to. It's going to be harder to find support. So celebrate every small victory. But don't let the little things get you down either. Don't be afraid to talk to new people. And believe it or not, it's okay to miss class every once in a while. In the next year, a lot will change for you, there's no doubt about it. But you will be okay in the end. You can and will survive and adapt to it. I know you can. Congratulations and good luck to the class of 2014.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Okay, one day late on when I said I'd post. Not too bad though, right? So let's talk about Saturday. If you're following me on instagram, you already know a little about my Saturday and what I'm going to talk about.
I woke up Saturday morning, checked my clock and realized, "Oh snap! I have 15 minutes to get ready and leave!" So I rushed around like crazy, grabbed everything and managed to head out the door. To what you might ask? I was going to my friend's graduation. Actually, it was multiple friends. I made it there just in time, thank goodness, found some alumni I knew, and grabbed a seat in the bleachers to watch the procession. I'm not going to lie, I was confused. I realize that a lot of people were trying to keep a straight face, but I want to know why so many people were frowning? Really, why? You're passing a major milestone of your life, you've survived four years of high school, you made it! Why would you frown? And it wasn't just one person, I saw multiple people frowning. For the most part, however, there were lots of smiles, and plenty of happy faces. The ceremony itself was beautiful. I won't go into details about the graduation itself, but I do want to take the time to address the graduating class of 2014 about the year ahead.
Congratulations. I'll start there, because you have not only made it through high school, but you've made it through at least 17 years of life and everything that has been thrown at you. For at least 17 years, you have had so many challenges thrown your way. Maybe they were small challenges and you had no problem. Maybe they were huge challenges and you didn't know how you'd get out. But you survived. It's not the end of the challenges you'll face. It's not the end of the road. And it's certainly not the last time you'll want or need to celebrate. No matter how prepared for college you think you are, you'll be caught unaware. You'll be ready for for all the things you planed for, absolutely. But you're going to have a lot of wild cards thrown your way. There are going to be a lot of things that you are completely unprepared for and it's going to be challenging. Guess what, you'll be making new friends. It doesn't matter if you're going to school with someone you're close with or not, you're going to have to make new friends. If you're going to college, classes are never going to meet your expectations. They'll either be far more advanced than you think or far more ridiculous than you want. Don't lose hope though. You'll make it through. Celebrate the little things. Because you'll get stressed, and the community you built in high school isn't going to be as easy to get to. It's going to be harder to find support. So celebrate every small victory. But don't let the little things get you down either. Don't be afraid to talk to new people. And believe it or not, it's okay to miss class every once in a while. In the next year, a lot will change for you, there's no doubt about it. But you will be okay in the end. You can and will survive and adapt to it. I know you can. Congratulations and good luck to the class of 2014.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Hey everyone!
So this past weekend, I went to FanimeCon 2014 which was incredibly fun and exciting. So much happened in so few days, so let me just go over everything day by day. I'll start with Day Zero (aka Thursday) since that's really when the excitement and festivities began.
Day Zero:
Unfortunately, this day was still a school day for me. However, I had two midterms and a cancelled class so it was easy enough to leave by noon to get in line for tickets. Now having stood in line for at least an hour before, I was well prepared for LineCon, the unofficial convention named just for the infuriating line. I had brought my laptop and a few books to make sure I wasn't bored silly in line. I met up with my friend Alan beforehand in order to save money and carpool. However, once we got to the convention center, LineCon only lasted six minutes. Those six minutes were spent walking through the ropes to get to registration. Seriously, there was no line. That never ever happens at Fanime. It was absolutely astounding. So we left to hang out at school with the rest of the Stormblades. We got back to school at 1:30 to chill with Evan who was just hanging out after lunch. When Andy and Kenji made it out of class at 3:30, Alan and I mentioned that the line was amazingly short. So I drove Andy, Alan, and Evan around downtown San Jose so that Andy could grab his badge too. We made it back to Andy's car around 4:10 so he had time to spare to get to work that day. Hoang, Alan, Evan and I all hung out at school a bit longer before we agreed to go home briefly to grab dinner before meeting to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. After seeing the movie at midnight, we hung out until around 3am when I drove to Alan's house, where I planned to stay in order to carpool for Fanime.
So this past weekend, I went to FanimeCon 2014 which was incredibly fun and exciting. So much happened in so few days, so let me just go over everything day by day. I'll start with Day Zero (aka Thursday) since that's really when the excitement and festivities began.
Day Zero:
Unfortunately, this day was still a school day for me. However, I had two midterms and a cancelled class so it was easy enough to leave by noon to get in line for tickets. Now having stood in line for at least an hour before, I was well prepared for LineCon, the unofficial convention named just for the infuriating line. I had brought my laptop and a few books to make sure I wasn't bored silly in line. I met up with my friend Alan beforehand in order to save money and carpool. However, once we got to the convention center, LineCon only lasted six minutes. Those six minutes were spent walking through the ropes to get to registration. Seriously, there was no line. That never ever happens at Fanime. It was absolutely astounding. So we left to hang out at school with the rest of the Stormblades. We got back to school at 1:30 to chill with Evan who was just hanging out after lunch. When Andy and Kenji made it out of class at 3:30, Alan and I mentioned that the line was amazingly short. So I drove Andy, Alan, and Evan around downtown San Jose so that Andy could grab his badge too. We made it back to Andy's car around 4:10 so he had time to spare to get to work that day. Hoang, Alan, Evan and I all hung out at school a bit longer before we agreed to go home briefly to grab dinner before meeting to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. After seeing the movie at midnight, we hung out until around 3am when I drove to Alan's house, where I planned to stay in order to carpool for Fanime.
Day One:
I made it to Alan's house easily enough, though Apple Maps took me a convoluted route. I waited until Alan made it back from dropping off two different people who also went to the movies with the group to grab my stuff from the truck of my car. We both waited until Andy got there and somehow managed to stay up til around 5am before we finally slept. We woke up around 10am in order to get to a panel at 11. But Andy is not a morning person at all, so we ended up getting out the door by around 11. Whoops. We got to Fanime and decided that the pane wasn't at the top of our list and decided to grab some lunch. There was gyros truck down the road between where we parked and the Con that smelled phenomenal when we walked past it the first time, so I suggested we grab something there. Alan had never had gyros before and while the gyros were good, they weren't great. Alan and Andy loved them though and wanted to come back every day. The rest of the day was mostly relaxed and we only went to one or two panels, but for the most part we spent the day exploring the Convention Center, the Dealer's Hall, and the Artist's Alley. We went back to Alan's to grab a bite to eat for dinner and also to grab something warmer for me and more comfortable for Andy before we headed back to hit the "Nerd Courting" panel. "Nerd Courting" was exactly what it sounded like; the speaker, Adam, talked about the difficulties of being a nerd and trying to make romantic connections. The best part in my opinion, besides Adam's credibility, was the fact that most of the panel was Adam answering questions. So it wasn't a bunch of things that everyone already understood and knew, it was real questions that applied to our own lives. I won't repeat a lot of what happened in the panel, because quite frankly it was on a very personal level. However, a few examples included questions about why it's worthwhile to even ask a girl or guy out, what you have to lose, what kinds of relationships are healthy. And the one that really got me, cause I thought it was just a girl thing or something: creating an imagined relationship with someone you just met. Adam mentioned that at the beginning and one guy came up to ask where he'd gotten it from since this guy in particular claimed not to. Adam had people raise their hands if they did ad nearly everyone in the audience did. I definitely feel a little less weird for doing it now. We went back to Alan's after the panel finished, that is around midnight, planned when to get up for the next day and crashed.
Day Two:
We got up early this day. Kind of. Okay so here's what happened: we planned to wake up around 7:30 to get ready and get to a panel by 9, also figuring there'd be a line for it. Problem? Andy slept until around 8:15. And he took the longest to get ready because he was cosplaying Eren from Attack on Titan. Don't know what that is? Here's a side-by-side comparison from anime to real life:
Those straps man. Those took a while. So we made it to the con by 9:10. Good thing the panel was going on for a little while. Fortunately, there were still seats when we finally arrived. The panel was for SNK aka Attack on Titan, so it was an appropriate choice of cosplay despite the fact that it took a while. The panel was an entertaining collection of improv games done in character by the panelists. The three of us who went all enjoyed the panel and had the chance to talk with some of them afterwards. Of course it helped that I knew one of the panelists. We hit lunch at Johnny Rockets before heading to an SNK gathering. Andy joined in the fun of the photos while I enjoyed the serenity of the park. Two much older gentleman sat down on a park bench next to me to ask what on earth was happening. I explained enthusiastically about Fanime and the cosplay community. We laughed a little since they both said they'd lived in the area for 35 years and had no idea what it was. They thought it was an LGBT march when in fact this was the 20th anniversary year of FanimeCon. At that point, a friend I'd met at Rocky Horror, Craig, was walking by in a Doctor Whooves Cosplay minus the tail and ears. I called out to say hi, excused myself from the gentlemen at the park bench and walked with Craig toward the area where the SNK gathering had migrated to. Alan had gone to meet with his brother by that time, so I had just planned to continue watching the gathering shenanigans. Craig and I caught up briefly, before he went to change out of the incredibly warm trench coat he was wearing to something much more comfortable to roam the rest of the con. Finally, after the SNK gathering was over and Alan had rejoined us, we met up with Evan, cosplaying the 10th Doctor, as well as Hoang, Lauren, and Michael. Sadly, I don't think we got a group shot, though I did get some of them individually.
Evan and his "sonic screwdriver".
Michael and Godzilla, photo credits: Hoang Nguyen
Me and VampyBitMe!!
I made it to Alan's house easily enough, though Apple Maps took me a convoluted route. I waited until Alan made it back from dropping off two different people who also went to the movies with the group to grab my stuff from the truck of my car. We both waited until Andy got there and somehow managed to stay up til around 5am before we finally slept. We woke up around 10am in order to get to a panel at 11. But Andy is not a morning person at all, so we ended up getting out the door by around 11. Whoops. We got to Fanime and decided that the pane wasn't at the top of our list and decided to grab some lunch. There was gyros truck down the road between where we parked and the Con that smelled phenomenal when we walked past it the first time, so I suggested we grab something there. Alan had never had gyros before and while the gyros were good, they weren't great. Alan and Andy loved them though and wanted to come back every day. The rest of the day was mostly relaxed and we only went to one or two panels, but for the most part we spent the day exploring the Convention Center, the Dealer's Hall, and the Artist's Alley. We went back to Alan's to grab a bite to eat for dinner and also to grab something warmer for me and more comfortable for Andy before we headed back to hit the "Nerd Courting" panel. "Nerd Courting" was exactly what it sounded like; the speaker, Adam, talked about the difficulties of being a nerd and trying to make romantic connections. The best part in my opinion, besides Adam's credibility, was the fact that most of the panel was Adam answering questions. So it wasn't a bunch of things that everyone already understood and knew, it was real questions that applied to our own lives. I won't repeat a lot of what happened in the panel, because quite frankly it was on a very personal level. However, a few examples included questions about why it's worthwhile to even ask a girl or guy out, what you have to lose, what kinds of relationships are healthy. And the one that really got me, cause I thought it was just a girl thing or something: creating an imagined relationship with someone you just met. Adam mentioned that at the beginning and one guy came up to ask where he'd gotten it from since this guy in particular claimed not to. Adam had people raise their hands if they did ad nearly everyone in the audience did. I definitely feel a little less weird for doing it now. We went back to Alan's after the panel finished, that is around midnight, planned when to get up for the next day and crashed.
Day Two:
We got up early this day. Kind of. Okay so here's what happened: we planned to wake up around 7:30 to get ready and get to a panel by 9, also figuring there'd be a line for it. Problem? Andy slept until around 8:15. And he took the longest to get ready because he was cosplaying Eren from Attack on Titan. Don't know what that is? Here's a side-by-side comparison from anime to real life:
We ended up walking around the floor since the people we met up with didn't have passes and found a cardboard tardis set up down the hall. Evan managed to get pictures with at least 15 different groups of cosplayers all wanting to get a picture with a doctor. Eventually, we all decided there really wasn't anything else we needed to stay for and headed to Alan's place to watch a movie. Movie of choice? Mulan, of course! Though there was quite a bit of debate over which movie to watch. The movie ended and Evan, Hoang, Michael, and Lauren all decided to go home. Andy, Alan, and I continued the movies though with Naussica of the Valley of the Wind. I fell asleep unfortunately, though I woke up at the end. Good thing I've seen the movie before. All of us were exhausted and headed to bed once it was over.
Day Three:
Ah Sunday morning. We had to wake up a bit early because Andy wanted to see Chantral Strand, a guest of honor at Fanime. While they headed to their panel, I had to drop off some black and white ball stuff in my cousin's hotel room and shower. We planned to go to the speed dating event, but the line was wayyyy too full. So I met up with Andy after the panel while Alan went to find a girl he had met earlier. Andy and I hung out until we ran into an unsuccessful Alan. We grabbed lunch and before Alan and Andy went to a signing by the voice actress from earlier. Meanwhile, I went to get my Black and White Ball stuff because I wanted to make sure I could grab it in time. First time, no luck. So I went back down to meet the guys after the autograph line. I went back up to the hotel with them. Second time, still no luck. Finally, we were wandering around the floor when the guys discovered that a cosplayers they love, Vampy, was at Fanime. It became a mad dash to find her. Somehow we all separated, so I went to the hotel room for the third time. Finally! I managed to grab the ball stuff. Aka, my dress. I came out of the hotel victorious, then wondered where in the heck everyone was. I managed to find Andy next to a motorcycle decked out to look a bit like Senketsu from Kill la Kill. He was getting pictures of some of the cosplayers posing on the bike as well as discussing the bike itself with the owner. After a while, the bike owner left with the motorcycle and we wandered around to continue to find Vampy. Eventually, Alan and another guy we know, Jesus, caught up with us and helped us look. Alan was the one who won the race and we all ran over to greet her.
Then I changed into my Ball dress and put my stuff in Alan's car. I went to grab my phone when I realized that oh snap. I left it in the bathroom at the Fairmont. I ran back as fast as I could and discovered the security had it. I got it back, thank goodness and headed to the ball. Andy and Alan went their own way in the meantime. I danced with plenty of different folks, most of them completely terrible, but they definitely made it amusing. Except for when I was elbowed in the face. Not so fun. I started feeling really sick though, so I left the ball and called them to tell them I was out. They came and found me at the Fairmont, feeling slightly better, but not enough to move. We went back to Alan's, charged our phones, I changed into something way more comfortable and we headed back to fanime. We ended up playing BS, where thanks to my lunch bunch's training I won about four out of six times. Then we headed out to the rave. Alan and I ended up leaving early because we weren't really into it and just played speed until 4 am. Andy stayed until it shut down at four. Then we watched some amvs and watched Wolf Children. We ended up leaving around 6:30 in the morning. I drove my car back home so I could go to a doctor's appointment later and ended up crashing until about 10 am.
Day Four:
Alright. I'm separating here cause this is when my Monday really began. I got up and ran to my cousin's hotel room because I had accidentally left some shower stuff in her room. I went to the dealers hall, bought some cool ear cuffs and headed back to my car to go to my doctors appointment. Then I headed back to hang out with Alan and Andy some more. We ended up hanging out until around 7 pm, getting dinner and having an unofficial photo shoot for Andy who was in his SNK gear. We ended the day hanging out at Hoang's place getting another dinner.
Guys, I'm not going to lie, it took me four days to write this post. Everything kept blurring together. I had to ask Alan twice what happened which days. It was a lot of fun though. At the end of our time at the convention center, the three of us who had stuck together the whole time got a picture in front of the con center.
Andy, Alan, and I
I have a post for you guys hopefully coming up tomorrow, so stay posted. How was your Memorial Day weekend? Let me know!
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Hello readers,
Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:
We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.
The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am. But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:
We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.
The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am. But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
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