It's Raining, It's Pouring

Hey Readers,

In case you didn't know it, I live in NorCal. And right about now, we are facing the largest storm we've had in five years. Now, I know for anyone who has to deal with tornadoes or hurricanes, this storm would be nothing. I already know people who are making fun of the storm the way many of us did when the earthquake hit the East Coast, but let me explain why we're making a huge deal out of all this.

First, we've been facing one of the worst recorded droughts as of lately. That means that there really isn't any water in the soil around here either. At least not as much as there should be. With this kind of heavy rainfall, the ground is going to get over saturated with water. And you might be able to guess, this can lead to landslides. So we might get some landslides which destroy homes and can be fatal.

Second, we got warnings on our phones this morning from WNS about potential flash floods. Hear that? Flooding. And if you don't believe me, take a look at this article from Mother Jones. Those pictures are very real and they show exactly how bad the flooding is. And that's just so far.

Because it's raining, and it's finals week, I am spending my day inside my house working on essays. Kosmos had work until 8 this morning and because of the storm, I had him come crash at my place. I figured while he's sleeping, I'd blog a little and maybe start working. It's not too bad where I live right now, though the wind makes driving less than fun. I don't know about anyone else, but I love the rain. I love the smell, I love the feel, all of it. Though I don't know how I feel about this heavy downpour. But we need it desperately. Plus, for those of us who stay inside during rain, it can cause some of us to actually get things done around the house, and what-not.

Anyways, for those of you taking finals, good luck. And for those of you also dealing with this storm, be safe.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Birthday Season

Hello Readers,

It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.

Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.

So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.

I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.

You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.

Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Reprocussions

Hello Readers,

If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.

In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.

Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.

But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.

The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.

Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.

I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Healing Journey

Hello Readers,

It's been a while since I posted anything, huh? Time has gotten away from me and I haven't really been home all that much. At this point, I don't really know where to begin to cover it all, so I probably won't be filling in the gap between this post and the last. There's actually something else I wanted to talk about.

When I was fifteen, I dated this guy, we'll call him "R". I had liked him for a while, so I was excited when we started dating. I was fairly inexperienced in all facets of a relationship when we began the relationship. He on the other hand had a large amount of experience, especially in the physical aspect. Unfortunately, he didn't understand my reasoning on why I wanted to wait for marriage in quite a few regards and was incredibly pushy on the subject. Although he claimed to be patient, it was clear to me that he wanted more. In the end, it was the reason I broke up with him. But not before I had already passed my comfort zone by a fair amount. Being a fifteen year old girl in her second relationship ever, I didn't really know how to say no. I don't think I really even understood that I could say no. And so I consented to much more than I'd ever wanted. And I kept all of it inside. I never told a soul about my experience, I was so ashamed of myself for what little I had done. Before I had met this boy, I'd never had a real kiss. And after him, I was one step away from losing my virginity. 

Eventually, after I became a Christian, I did tell one person. Another boy, but someone who had been my friend throughout all the other hard times. Someone I thought I could trust. We'll call him "Blue" for the purpose of this post and because I have tried to remain friends with him despite advise from countless people who I have told this part of my life to. When at first I told Blue, he offered support in the form of hugs and a shoulder to cry on which I appreciated whole-heartedly. But then he began to abuse the information. He started to ask for favors, sexual favors like those I'd had with R. At first, I gave him consent because I felt that my body was worthless anyways since I'd already given away so much. But I began to feel uncomfortable. I relayed to Blue my fears with the continuation of whatever arrangement we had. He continually persuaded that he had no intention of breaking my trust and assured me that our friendship came first. I told him very specifically that I did not want to be used and I didn't want to even come close to that feeling. He reassured me that of course he wouldn't do that and of course he wanted to make sure my comfort came first. But every time we talked, the conversation always turned toward the subject that I was least excited about and our supposed friendship began to revolve solely around that. It came to the point that he refused to look at me in person because he was so insistent on making sure that neither of us were suspected of being more than friends. When I mentioned that I didn't like that feeling, he promised that he would try to not act so cold toward me, but it didn't happen. Eventually, I decided enough was enough. I told myself the next time we talked or hung out in person one-on-one, I'd tell him I was through. Before I could, he called it off through Facebook message. While I was relieved, I wanted to talk to him about why I felt the same, I wanted to reconcile with him about the whole thing. But we haven't talked since. Not in person though we've seen each other countless times in groups and not online. Not at all. 

After both incidents of favors, I regretted every moment. I hated myself. I felt like trash, completely and utterly worthless. And I was torn because I thought I needed both of these people in my life. But I don't. I have realized that with the help of amazing friends. Throughout the past few months at college, especially with the Stormblades, I have come to a place of healing. I have told many of them my experiences in pieces though one or two know all the details from the depression to Blue of my life and have supported me and affirmed me. Which is not to say that my healing rests in their hands. But they certainly have helped me to speed the process of finding peace. 

The other night, I was at a Worship service with my College Youth Group, when mid-way through I realized something amazing. I hadn't realized until that night, but I finally feel whole again. I feel like a human being. And I feel worthy of friendship, of peace, and most importantly, of God's love. For the past two years after becoming a Christian, I accepted the love I felt, but I most certainly didn't feel like I should be receiving any of it. I wondered why I was the recipient of so much of his love when I had such sins on my heart. But I finally feel whole whereas when I converted, I felt so incredibly broken, I didn't think I'd ever be healed. I thought I'd carry my brokenness my whole life with no end in sight, but I haven't been carrying it for weeks. I can't say when I became whole again, but I am so grateful that I am now. I've finally made it to a place that I can type these words without tears. I can finally tell people my story. My whole story with far less break-down than ever before.  And I can finally trust again. I can open myself to people in a way that I never could before. The past two years have held such an amazing healing journey for me and I am so glad that I have reached this place. I won't pretend that there won't be more challenges along the way, but I finally feel strong enough to make it through whatever challenge I may face. I have God and an entire community of support around me.

Sorry for the life-story post after so long of not blogging, but it was something I felt I needed to share. It is something for me worth celebrating and letting go of. Hopefully, I won't go on a hiatus for so long again, though I don't know that I can make any guarantees until summer is over for me. 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

To The Stormblades

Alright, the last time I did something like this it was because I was scared that I was losing my Lunch Bunch. My post, "To The Guys", was much more of a goodbye than anything else, and although I have not and will no say goodbye to them, I needed to create that post to express my extreme gratitude for having them when I did. But now, I need to talk about another group of people. No, I need to talk to them. And this time, I'm saying hello.

To The Stormblades,

How is it possible that any one person can know me so well in so little time, let alone a group of people? I understand now how this group of people can seem to have known each other for years and yet have only been friends for a few months. The other day, I was hanging out with quite a few of you and I'll admit, I honestly was feeling depressed. I didn't know why, I just know I didn't feel like myself and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. At some point, Andy asked me if I was okay. I answered that I was fine, expecting that to really just be the end of it. But he asked again, clarifying that he had noticed I'd been spacing out a bit. I'm not going to lie, the fact that anyone noticed at all surprised me. There was a time when I really never felt okay and spacing out was somewhat of a norm for me. After Evan and Lauren went home, I admitted to Andy and Alan that I wasn't as okay as I wanted to be. It wasn't a sad moment though. But here's the thing- with most other people, I would be scared to admit my fears and doubts. Never before, in any group, even my Lunch Bunch, have I ever felt that I could be so completely honest with myself and with others. And yet, when I'm with the Stormblades, I find myself admitting things that I never thought I would. The stranger part? I've known this group for no more than three and a half months. Perhaps the significance of that is lost because I've been open with this group from the start, but to clarify, it took me two and a half years to feel comfortable enough to be open with my Lunch Bunch. I'm not trying to compare groups because I love both equally. I don't know all of you well at this point so I don't want to make individual comments, but I appreciate the unique personalities of all of you.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned something to Hoang after the first time I hung out with you. At the time, my cat had just died and I felt so utterly lost. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with my life and it all felt extremely meaningless. But that day, when I hung out with the Stormblades, I felt different. I thanked Hoang later for letting me hang out with you because as I told him then, it was the first time I'd laughed, really laughed, in probably a month or two.

The Stormblades group is so impressive to me, because I didn't realize until I asked about it that your group has only recently formed. Whenever you interact with each other, it seems like you've known each other for years. At first, I didn't really understand how that was possible. But after interacting you most of you at a one-on-one level at some point even if it's not for more than twenty minutes at a time, I finally understand how you've formed this amazing group.

And because this is a greeting, I want to say that I thoroughly look forward to getting to know all of you much better. And I hope that I can affect others the way you have affected me so far. I am already so grateful to be able to call you my friends for so many reasons. Thank you for taking me in to your group so easily.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Class of 2014

Hey everyone!

Okay, one day late on when I said I'd post. Not too bad though, right? So let's talk about Saturday. If you're following me on instagram, you already know a little about my Saturday and what I'm going to talk about.

I woke up Saturday morning, checked my clock and realized, "Oh snap! I have 15 minutes to get ready and leave!" So I rushed around like crazy, grabbed everything and managed to head out the door. To what you might ask? I was going to my friend's graduation. Actually, it was multiple friends. I made it there just in time, thank goodness, found some alumni I knew, and grabbed a seat in the bleachers to watch the procession. I'm not going to lie, I was confused. I realize that a lot of people were trying to keep a straight face, but I want to know why so many people were frowning? Really, why? You're passing a major milestone of your life, you've survived four years of high school, you made it! Why would you frown? And it wasn't just one person, I saw multiple people frowning. For the most part, however, there were lots of smiles, and plenty of happy faces. The ceremony itself was beautiful. I won't go into details about the graduation itself, but I do want to take the time to address the graduating class of 2014 about the year ahead.

Congratulations. I'll start there, because you have not only made it through high school, but you've made it through at least 17 years of life and everything that has been thrown at you. For at least 17 years, you have had so many challenges thrown your way. Maybe they were small challenges and you had no problem. Maybe they were huge challenges and you didn't know how you'd get out. But you survived. It's not the end of the challenges you'll face. It's not the end of the road. And it's certainly not the last time you'll want or need to celebrate. No matter how prepared for college you think you are, you'll be caught unaware. You'll be ready for for all the things you planed for, absolutely. But you're going to have a lot of wild cards thrown your way. There are going to be a lot of things that you are completely unprepared for and it's going to be challenging. Guess what, you'll be making new friends. It doesn't matter if you're going to school with someone you're close with or not, you're going to have to make new friends. If you're going to college, classes are never going to meet your expectations.  They'll either be far more advanced than you think or far more ridiculous than you want. Don't lose hope though. You'll make it through. Celebrate the little things. Because you'll get stressed, and the community you built in high school isn't going to be as easy to get to. It's going to be harder to find support. So celebrate every small victory. But don't let the little things get you down either. Don't be afraid to talk to new people. And believe it or not, it's okay to miss class every once in a while. In the next year, a lot will change for you, there's no doubt about it. But you will be okay in the end. You can and will survive and adapt to it. I know you can. Congratulations and good luck to the class of 2014.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

FanimeCon 2014

Hey everyone!

So this past weekend, I went to FanimeCon 2014 which was incredibly fun and exciting. So much happened in so few days, so let me just go over everything day by day. I'll start with Day Zero (aka Thursday) since that's really when the excitement and festivities began.

Day Zero:
      Unfortunately, this day was still a school day for me. However, I had two midterms and a cancelled class so it was easy enough to leave by noon to get in line for tickets. Now having stood in line for at least an hour before, I was well prepared for LineCon, the unofficial convention named just for the infuriating line. I had brought my laptop and a few books to make sure I wasn't bored silly in line. I met up with my friend Alan beforehand in order to save money and carpool. However, once we got to the convention center, LineCon only lasted six minutes. Those six minutes were spent walking through the ropes to get to registration. Seriously, there was no line. That never ever happens at Fanime. It was absolutely astounding. So we left to hang out at school with the rest of the Stormblades. We got back to school at 1:30 to chill with Evan who was just hanging out after lunch. When Andy and Kenji made it out of class at 3:30, Alan and I mentioned that the line was amazingly short. So I drove Andy, Alan, and Evan around downtown San Jose so that Andy could grab his badge too. We made it back to Andy's car around 4:10 so he had time to spare to get to work that day. Hoang, Alan, Evan and I all hung out at school a bit longer before we agreed to go home briefly to grab dinner before meeting to see X-Men: Days of Future Past. After seeing the movie at midnight, we hung out until around 3am when I drove to Alan's house, where I planned to stay in order to carpool for Fanime.

Day One:
      I made it to Alan's house easily enough, though Apple Maps took me a convoluted route. I waited until Alan made it back from dropping off two different people who also went to the movies with the group to grab my stuff from the truck of my car. We both waited until Andy got there and somehow managed to stay up til around 5am before we finally slept. We woke up around 10am in order to get to a panel at 11. But Andy is not a morning person at all, so we ended up getting out the door by around 11. Whoops. We got to Fanime and decided that the pane wasn't at the top of our list and decided to grab some lunch. There was gyros truck down the road between where we parked and the Con that smelled phenomenal when we walked past it the first time, so I suggested we grab something there. Alan had never had gyros before and while the gyros were good, they weren't great. Alan and Andy loved them though and wanted to come back every day. The rest of the day was mostly relaxed and we only went to one or two panels, but for the most part we spent the day exploring the Convention Center, the Dealer's Hall, and the Artist's Alley. We went back to Alan's to grab a bite to eat for dinner and also to grab something warmer for me and more comfortable for Andy before we headed back to hit the "Nerd Courting" panel. "Nerd Courting" was exactly what it sounded like; the speaker, Adam, talked about the difficulties of being a nerd and trying to make romantic connections. The best part in my opinion, besides Adam's credibility, was the fact that most of the panel was Adam answering questions. So it wasn't a bunch of things that everyone already understood and knew, it was real questions that applied to our own lives. I won't repeat a lot of what happened in the panel, because quite frankly it was on a very personal level. However, a few examples included questions about why it's worthwhile to even ask a girl or guy out, what you have to lose, what kinds of relationships are healthy. And the one that really got me, cause I thought it was just a girl thing or something: creating an imagined relationship with someone you just met. Adam mentioned that at the beginning and one guy came up to ask where he'd gotten it from since this guy in particular claimed not to. Adam had people raise their hands if they did ad nearly everyone in the audience did. I definitely feel a little less weird for doing it now. We went back to Alan's after the panel finished, that is around midnight, planned when to get up for the next day and crashed.

Day Two:
      We got up early this day. Kind of. Okay so here's what happened: we planned to wake up around 7:30 to get ready and get to a panel by 9, also figuring there'd be a line for it. Problem? Andy slept until around 8:15. And he took the longest to get ready because he was cosplaying Eren from Attack on Titan. Don't know what that is? Here's a side-by-side comparison from anime to real life:

Those straps man. Those took a while. So we made it to the con by 9:10. Good thing the panel was going on for a little while. Fortunately, there were still seats when we finally arrived. The panel was for SNK aka Attack on Titan, so it was an appropriate choice of cosplay despite the fact that it took a while. The panel was an entertaining collection of improv games done in character by the panelists. The three of us who went all enjoyed the panel and had the chance to talk with some of them afterwards. Of course it helped that I knew one of the panelists. We hit lunch at Johnny Rockets before heading to an SNK gathering. Andy joined in the fun of the photos while I enjoyed the serenity of the park. Two much older gentleman sat down on a park bench next to me to ask what on earth was happening. I explained enthusiastically about Fanime and the cosplay community. We laughed a little since they both said they'd lived in the area for 35 years and had no idea what it was. They thought it was an LGBT march when in fact this was the 20th anniversary year of FanimeCon. At that point, a friend I'd met at Rocky Horror, Craig, was walking by in a Doctor Whooves Cosplay minus the tail and ears. I called out to say hi, excused myself from the gentlemen at the park bench and walked with Craig toward the area where the SNK gathering had migrated to. Alan had gone to meet with his brother by that time, so I had just planned to continue watching the gathering shenanigans. Craig and I caught up briefly, before he went to change out of the incredibly warm trench coat he was wearing to something much more comfortable to roam the rest of the con. Finally, after the SNK gathering was over and Alan had rejoined us, we met up with Evan, cosplaying the 10th Doctor, as well as Hoang, Lauren, and Michael. Sadly, I don't think we got a group shot, though I did get some of them individually. 

Evan and his "sonic screwdriver". 

Michael and Godzilla, photo credits: Hoang Nguyen 

We ended up walking around the floor since the people we met up with didn't have passes and found a cardboard tardis set up down the hall. Evan managed to get pictures with at least 15 different groups of cosplayers all wanting to get a picture with a doctor. Eventually, we all decided there really wasn't anything else we needed to stay for and headed to Alan's place to watch a movie. Movie of choice? Mulan, of course! Though there was quite a bit of debate over which movie to watch. The movie ended and Evan, Hoang, Michael, and Lauren all decided to go home. Andy, Alan, and I continued the movies though with Naussica of the Valley of the Wind. I fell asleep unfortunately, though I woke up at the end. Good thing I've seen the movie before. All of us were exhausted and headed to bed once it was over. 

Day Three:

      Ah Sunday morning. We had to wake up a bit early because Andy wanted to see Chantral Strand, a guest of honor at Fanime. While they headed to their panel, I had to drop off some black and white ball stuff in my cousin's hotel room and shower. We planned to go to the speed dating event, but the line was wayyyy too full. So I met up with Andy after the panel while Alan went to find a girl he had met earlier. Andy and I hung out until we ran into an unsuccessful Alan. We grabbed lunch and before Alan and Andy went to a signing by the voice actress from earlier. Meanwhile, I went to get my Black and White Ball stuff because I wanted to make sure I could grab it in time. First time, no luck. So I went back down to meet the guys after the autograph line. I went back up to the hotel with them. Second time, still no luck. Finally, we were wandering around the floor when the guys discovered that a cosplayers they love, Vampy, was at Fanime. It became a mad dash to find her. Somehow we all separated, so I went to the hotel room for the third time. Finally! I managed to grab the ball stuff. Aka, my dress. I came out of the hotel victorious, then wondered where in the heck everyone was. I managed to find Andy next to a motorcycle decked out to look a bit like Senketsu from Kill la Kill. He was getting pictures of some of the cosplayers posing on the bike as well as discussing the bike itself with the owner. After a while, the bike owner left with the motorcycle and we wandered around to continue to find Vampy. Eventually, Alan and another guy we know, Jesus, caught up with us and helped us look. Alan was the one who won the race and we all ran over to greet her. 

Me and VampyBitMe!!

Then I changed into my Ball dress and put my stuff in Alan's car. I went to grab my phone when I realized that oh snap. I left it in the bathroom at the Fairmont. I ran back as fast as I could and discovered the security had it. I got it back, thank goodness and headed to the ball. Andy and Alan went their own way in the meantime. I danced with plenty of different folks, most of them completely terrible, but they definitely made it amusing. Except for when I was elbowed in the face. Not so fun. I started feeling really sick though, so I left the ball and called them to tell them I was out. They came and found me at the Fairmont, feeling slightly better, but not enough to move. We went back to Alan's, charged our phones, I changed into something way more comfortable and we headed back to fanime. We ended up playing BS, where thanks to my lunch bunch's training I won about four out of six times. Then we headed out to the rave. Alan and I ended up leaving early because we weren't really into it and just played speed until 4 am. Andy stayed until it shut down at four. Then we watched some amvs and watched Wolf Children. We ended up leaving around 6:30 in the morning. I drove my car back home so I could go to a doctor's appointment later and ended up crashing until about 10 am. 

Day Four:

      Alright. I'm separating here cause this is when my Monday really began. I got up and ran to my cousin's hotel room because I had accidentally left some shower stuff in her room. I went to the dealers hall, bought some cool ear cuffs and headed back to my car to go to my doctors appointment. Then I headed back to hang out with Alan and Andy some more. We ended up hanging out until around 7 pm, getting dinner and having an unofficial photo shoot for Andy who was in his SNK gear. We ended the day hanging out at Hoang's place getting another dinner. 

Guys, I'm not going to lie, it took me four days to write this post. Everything kept blurring together. I had to ask Alan twice what happened which days. It was a lot of fun though. At the end of our time at the convention center, the three of us who had stuck together the whole time got a picture in front of the con center. 

Andy, Alan, and I

I have a post for you guys hopefully coming up tomorrow, so stay posted. How was your Memorial Day weekend? Let me know!

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Pretty Girls

Hello readers,

Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:

We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.

The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am.  But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Summer Vacation

Hello Readers!

I don't know about many of you, but every time I go on Facebook, my Newsfeed is filled with folks talking about their finals and how close they are to done with either high school or the year they're in at college. These lucky ducks who must be on the semester system or something keep talking about how they're done or close to done and meanwhile, I keep thinking, Man, I wish I were done. I'll celebrate when I get to the end of June. I keep having to remind myself that while yes, I am only half-way done, the plans I have for summer will have been worth the wait. There are a couple of things that I know for sure are happening and a few that I won't know until dates are settled. One that is definitely happening: A family friend is getting married! We're flying to Seattle for their wedding in August. Another one is Disneyland. I will be Disneybounding, also in August, though I'm not entirely sure which characters yet. Rapunzel is on my list though for sure.

Man, it feels like summer already. It doesn't feel like it's only week six. Ugh. Time has flown by though. I have my first midterm test of the quarter next week, although there's a midterm project that's due Thursday. It's strange thinking about summer too, because I now have two different groups and while I want to spend as much time as possible with both, it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Speaking of plays, we had one of those group projects i mentioned before due in class today. We were performing a content-less scene. It was definitely a new experience for me since I was the director of the group, but I liked how my group worked. And the only real criticism the professor had was about one actor's pacing, so I'd say the whole thing went really well.

I'm writing this while waiting for one of my classes to start and I have to say, it's getting a little easier every day. I don't mean classes and I don't mean how busy I've been. I mean it's getting easier to wake up in the morning and not have the same face-to-face support that I had from my Lunch Bunch. It's getting easier to make friends. It's getting easier to be myself. I'm getting better at this stuff everyday. It's getting easier to open up with people. And when I do stumble, it's getting easier to get back up. I feel less afraid to make mistakes. I know that this whole paragraph is a tad bit random, but oh well.

If you're still in school, how's it going? Happy to be ending the year soon?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Mother's Day

Hello Readers!

I realize I'm a day late, but yesterday was Mother's Day so let's talk about that today. First though, happy Mother's Day to all the moms! Now that that's been said, let's continue. My mom loves when we go out to brunch for Mother's Day. Of course, my grandma enjoys it too, but Mother's Day is one of the few days of the year, besides birthdays that we go out to a restaurant to eat. In this case, we went to this mansion turned hotel for brunch. We used to go to the Ramada Inn because they served a Mother's Day brunch, but when they stopped doing that, we had to find a new place. I think we've finally settled on this place though. It seems like in past years this place hasn't really had a whole lot of food options, which is strange because they have a fairly large selection of food. This year though, the food was pretty amazing.

Slight tangent, but I swear it's related. So there was this commercial playing for Mother's Day that I think was supposed to be for Hallmark, but I didn't really pay attention to that part. This family though, a father and daughter, were baking cupcakes and making them look like dirt to put in flower pots with flowers. I thought it was super cute, so I wanted to make some for the moms that are in my life. Especially since they all like flowers. So last week, I rushed out with a friend of mine, E, who was just bored and agreed to go with me. He actually ended up driving too. I needed to get everything early, because Mrs. I's birthday was last and since I had class on the same day, I wanted to bring her the cupcake flower thing a day early. So after rushing like crazy, I made it to the school where she works. I was scared that she'd left early, so I ran around all over the place looking for her when finally, I found her in the copy room. I managed to surprise her with both being there and the cupcake. Apparently though, she had been having a bad day and visiting her had made her day. I'm really glad that I had the chance to get there while she was there. It made my day to see her brighten up. But then I had to hang on to the cupcakes for a few days until I could prep them on Sunday.

So Sunday morning, I woke up to go to church with my mom and grandma. I went into the teen group mainly because I hadn't see them in a while. I found out that two friends of mine, M and his wife T, are moving back to Brazil. M is a year away from getting a Master's degree, but he's moving to help his dad expand the family business. I found out that a goodbye party will probably be held for them in a week or so.

Anyways though, after church, we all went out to brunch. After that we came home and gave gifts to my mom and grandma.

How was your Mother's Day weekend? What did you do to celebrate?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

PS, I caved and finally made an Instagram. Find me as OriginalPolarBearMoose. I'll add a link to the side bar soon.

Group Projects

Hello readers,

I swear this is the quarter of group projects. It's seriously a good thing that I only have three classes this quarter rather than five because every single class I have has had group projects for the past three weeks in a row. For those of you who enjoy group projects, great for you! I am not one of those people though. Firstly, group projects are difficult because you have to find time outside of class to meet and discuss and work together.

One group I'm working with (thank goodness it's due today and it'll be the last day I work with them) is formed of nice people, but it's one of the more difficult groups I've ever worked with. One is always working and is a little flaky for showing up and doing work. The other speaks minimal English. He's sweet and hard-working, but the constant checking in about whether something is good or not is a tad bit annoying. I'm not a supervisor, I'm a partner in this project. Figure it out. Please. It's an English writing class and you clearly had the skills to be placed in the class, so use them.

In Theathre Appreciation, we have two group projects. One due Tuesday, the other due May 27th. With entirely different groups. Actually, both these projects sound fun. I just wish we had more time to work on them. Especially the one due Tuesday.

And in Psych, there's yet another group project. At least I actually know the people in this group a bit better and like them. We'll see what happens, but I actually really like this group and I'm hoping that it all works out alright. What happened with this class is that we chose our lab groups at the beginning of the quarter. I had taken a class with one of them previously, but the other three I didn't know at all. We chose names for our groups once we formed them. Most of us are pretty nerdy and are parts of the same fandoms. Because of that we're the Browncoats. There's another group in the class that's the Avengers too. Good times.

But seriously, I think this is the only time that I've actually been really happy that I am not working or taking five classes, because I have no idea how I'd get any of this group stuff done if I were working or taking more classes.

How do you feel about group projects? Hope you all are having a great Thursday!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Mexico and More!

 Hey guys and gals!

So I know it's been a while, and I'm super sorry about that. I had a whole timeline planned about when I was going to blog again. But, on the plus side, except for test days, I am hoping to be able to blog a lot more.

Since I haven't blogged since before I left for Mexico, let me start with that.

Back in the middle of April, I went on this phenomenal trip to Tecate, Mexico. Technically, the name of the town we actually worked in is called Los Girasoles which means "The Sunflowers". All the streets in the village are named after different flowers. I actually didn't know that part until last year. But cool, right? But now you're wondering, what on earth were you doing there? At least if you don't know me personally that is. But let me answer that question anyways! We build houses for various families who don't have a home. The high school I graduated from organizes the whole trip and this year was the 26th annual trip and they were celebrating the 300th house built. We built 18 homes in various sites, so really we were celebrating a few more than 300, but still. That's an impressive amount of homes built! Oh yeah, did I mention we do it in three and a half days? Our site was lucky enough to have quite a few children running around. Some might view this as a bad thing, but I love when there are kids there. The kids that actually belonged to the family we were building for were named Pedro and Heidi (or Katie, I actually had a debate about this with someone). But there were plenty of other kids around. The names I remember are Chris, Gordito, and Alejandro. Here's the funny thing about Chris though, I remember him from my freshman year. He was the only kid around my site that year. He's grown up quite a bit though and spent the entirety of our work days pointing to various people and suggesting that they ought to date. Not knowing how to explain that I had graduated, I ended up telling him that I was very viejo or old and that the people he was pointing to were very joven or young whenever he suggested a relationship between myself and any of the students on the trip. We finished the house and celebrated with ice cream after three and a half long hard days. But every moment was worth it.

Since then, I honestly haven't done much. Which probably contributed to my lack of blogging recently. Although I did see Spiderman 2 on Saturday. That was pretty cool. I won't give spoilers, but I thought the movie was great.

FYI, I'll be going to Fanime in just a couple weeks, so be prepared for some serious cosplay photos in the various different things I update. Meaning, if you want to see this stuff, you ought to check out my photo tumblr. I will for sure be posting at least one picture from Fanime almost everyday of memorial day weekend. Also, there's deviant where I'll be posting cosplay photos and there's 500px.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

It's Been a While

Hey there readers!

As the title of this post so eloquently states, it's been a while since I've blogged. I swear I haven't just abandoned it. I'm still alive and all that.

Let's see, when I last blogged, it was still Winter Quarter (UGH). I am happy to say that quarter is officially over, thank goodness. And, I did surprisingly well in my classes. Totally thought I was failing a class and ended up with a B. But I'm not complaining! I'll take it. Spring Quarter just started, so that's pretty exciting. I decided not to totally overwhelm myself, especially since I'm going on a volunteer trip pretty soon (I'll talk about that in just a moment). So I'm only taking three classes instead of five like I did for both Fall and Winter. Those classes are: Theater Appreciation, Theories of Personality (Psych), and English Writing 2. I met my psych teacher yesterday because the class is Monday through Thursday, but Theater and Writing are both Tuesday and Thursday only classes, so I just met my Theater professor this morning. I have to admit though, I was pretty proud of the knowledge I gained from taking theater in high school. We talked about different kinds of theaters, and I was able to use vocab from other classes to answer questions. And my psych class seems pretty fun just from the personality of the professor. he seems pretty cool. For writing, I actually met my professor a few weeks ago because I needed to talk to her about the volunteer trip I mentioned previously. However, she wasn't at school today for whatever reason, so apparently the director of Language Arts was there. He basically just gave us the syllabus, talked for like 10 minutes about the class and said, "Have a Nice day! Feel free to go home." Sweet!

Last quarter hit pretty hard, because I was out sick on top of everything happening with Silky. I'm honestly surprised I did so well. This quarter feels good to me. I feel really prepared for this one, even though there's still so much I need to get done this week for school. Fall quarter, I felt kind of prepared, but honestly, I still needed to pull things together and it just wasn't great. It turned out well, but I wasn't totally ready. Winter quarter, as I mentioned was really bad. Again, it turned out alright in the end, but I was definitely not ready for it. But this one, I'm feeling fairly ready for. I'm sure I'll end up stressed in the middle again, but still it's not too bad. So we'll see.

I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post or not, but I'm going on a volunteer trip next week! I leave Saturday for Mexico. I have to admit, I'm super excited to go. It's my fifth year going on this trip and my first year as a leader. In the past couple weeks, I've kinda been doubting whether I want to go or not, though it's too late to change my mind at this point. But I think once I get there, I'll be really happy I went. I will not have internet access in all likelihood though, so I'll have to tell you how the trip went once I get back.

There's not much else left to update you all on, so I guess I'll stop here for now. For my already in college readers, how is your quarter/semester going so far? What kinds of classes are you taking? For any readers who are graduating high school this year, have you received any acceptance letters yet? And just for everyone, how is your week going?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Star Wars

Hello readers!

So I meant to post this on February 21st, but that didn't really end up happening cause of Silky and classes and what-have-you. Whoops.

Anyways!

That Friday, I went to the Star Wars exhibit at the Tech. And I have to say, it honestly wasn't as cool as I thought it'd be. A few years ago, they had a Star Trek exhibit at the same place which I also went to. That one was way awesome. They had full sets and all sorts of other fun things like costumes and models of the ship. Tons of stuff. For the Star Wars one, not so much. I mean, yeah they had loads of costumes and models of the ships, but it wasn't a "WOW" thing. Now, I didn't even realize it was the same place until I walked inside, so I didn't have that comparison in my head leading up to going to this thing. It just wasn't quite as cool in my opinion. Which is not to say that it was boring. Because it was very exciting to see it all. And of course, dear readers, what kind of photographer would I be if I didn't take pictures?

Yes! Pictures were encouraged (so long as there was no flash), however, I had been told not to bring a camera, so I didn't. Meaning the quality is from my iPoD and therefore, not so great. So I apologize for that. But here we go! Pictures, pictures, pictures:

 

I have more but these were the best quality ones, so this is all I'm going to post. I was going to go try to make it again with a better camera, but finals are coming up so that's kind of out. For those of you in finals now: good luck. For those who've already taken them, I hope you did well.

 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

Painful Goodbyes

Today I said my final goodbyes to my baby boy. The appetite stimulant wasn't working anymore. He just decided it was time and so he stopped eating. Except the bugger decided to be strong through a week of not eating. Today though, he could barely get up. So for the afternoon, we treated him to some of his favorite things before he left this world. We let him sleep in the sun in the backyard so he could get a full dose of fresh air. Our vet is very kind and offers the option that someone come out so he could die at home instead of in the cold office of a clinic. He was able to die in peace surrounded by his family.

For those of you that have pets or have lost pets, there is a poem which our vet gave us for our first lost cat. It's called "The Rainbow Bridge". I don't know if other vets have this poem in their clinics, but it's one that my family reads every time we have a pet memorial.

"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together...."

It's not much, but at least for my family it provides somewhat of a sense of comfort.  I hope for others who have pets or have lost pets that you might find some comfort or happiness from this poem too.

For my sweet Silky, our ten years of friendship will not be forgotten. Nobody: cat, human, or any other creature, deserves cancer. Nobody deserves to have to watch loved ones slowly fade away. You will be buried under an agapanthus with a path leading straight to you. You will be wrapped in the same blanket you were once wrapped in before, albeit to clip your nails, and place in your favorite sleeping place: the napkin basket. I will miss you forever. I love you, baby boy.

Tact

Certain people lack tact. And quite frankly, it bothers me that this had to be an issue. So let's discuss the Do's and Do Not's of asking a cat lover if they've thought about euthanasia for their dying cat.

Do NOT ask, "Have you thought about ending his suffering?"

 For so, SO many reasons:

1. You don't know if the cat is suffering. Unless the owner has specifically told you that the cat is in pain or some other thing that would be considered suffering, do NOT just assume.
2. The question is basically asking, "Have you thought about killing you child/friend/other family member?" It's a very blunt and rude way of asking that question.
3. What do you think the answer is going to be? It's NOT going to be like this:

"Have you thought about it?"

"Oh no, I hadn't thought about it, but that's a great idea! I'll definitely do that"

Seriously. Any cat lover or really any other animal lover who is going through the pain of losing their pet has thought about whether or not they should be and if they decide they should, what the timing should be. Which brings me to the point of timing. Your animal dying doesn't mean that you should get it over as quickly as possible like ripping off a Band-Aid. No. Just no. A lot of animals are fighters and will stay as long as they can. The animal usually knows when the right time is and when they're ready. As an outsider, you don't get to make that call for the family. Not cool.

So here's what you should do:

Nothing. Avoid the question, because quite frankly, it's none of your beeswax. If someone is opening up about the fact that they are going through something like this, your advice about putting the animal down is completely unwarranted, unless asked specifically, "What do you think" by the owner themselves. You give them sympathy and support until they ask for something specific. This is especially true if you yourself have never in your life had to deal with the loss of a pet or the decision to put the animal down. If you don't have experience with that kind of loss, what new perspective do you really think you have? None. The answer is none. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about and you need to stop. Now.

*screams in frustration*

Rant over. Sorry about that, readers. Someone just asked me that question and in case you couldn't tell, it really ticked me off. Anyways, I hope you had a good week last week. And hopefully, none of you will make the mistake of asking someone this question while they're in the middle of dealing with taking care of their beloved animal.

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Quick Updates

I'm going to make this short and sweet since there's not much to say and I don't have a normal post ready for you guys.

Just an FYI for all you lovely readers, I'm cleaning up some social media and cutting back. I realize I only just announced the deviant art thing. I'll still have it, but I'll only have cosplay photos up. Sorry. If you still want to see my other photos though, they're on 500px. The link is in the sidebar.

Also, while I realize my blogging is already somewhat random and not often, I will not be blogging as much for the next few weeks due to Silky's health and my desire to spend as much time as I can with him before he goes.

Thank you for those of you who take the time to check my blog and read. I do appreciate it.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Silky Bear

Yesterday, I talked at the end of my post about my Silky Bear and how he isn't doing well.  There are some updates now as to what information I have on his health.

This morning we took him to the vet for an ultrasound. We took him first thing knowing the technician would be dropping by at some point during the day and we would just pick him up once he was done. As luck would have it, the technician was also there first thing in the morning, so it we didn't even have to leave him there. The news we received was not as fortunate.

One of his kidneys is larger than the other, which led the vet to believe that he potentially has renal lymphoma. While potentially this is not actually the problem, it is very likely that it is the case. He also has a growth on his shoulder which means it has infiltrated other parts of his body. We were not given an estimate on how much longer he has. To help him eat and be in less pain, he is taking prednisone and an appetite stimulant, but it will not extend his life. For nearly $2,000, we could extend his life for maybe 2 months with chemo. Is it worth it? Probably not. If we choose to only give him prednisone, he might live a normal life until it stops working. We're told that one day, he'll probably stop eating for a couple days in a row at which time we will have to make a decision: put him down or begin chemo or let him suffer. It is not worth so much to get an extra two months, and letting him suffer is definitely out. So it's just a matter of when.

Silky, who has been given many nicknames in his ten, nearly 11 years of life, has been one of my very best friends, my companion, and my constant since I was eight years old. In the time that he's been with me, this huge part Maine Coon mutt, a walking mutton piece with turkey legs for paws, has been a comfort when I have needed him. My fat boy, who has also been mistaken for a raccoon at night, is probably the gentlest cat you'd ever meet. For quite a few years after his rambunctious kitten hood, he would literally come inside (he was an indoor-outdoor cat until he became ill) to eat and sleep. Then he'd go outside and visit the neighbors who had an outdoor cat and left food on their porch. He'd make his rounds around a circle of about four or five houses, each with food left out, poop, then come inside to repeat the cycle.

We'd call him a lazy oaf, because always during the daytime, we'd see him sleeping in various spots including a napkin basket on top of the fridge. When he woke from his cat naps, he'd be ready to go outside again and would sit on a table by the door, looking out the window, meowing every time someone passed as if to say, "Let me out!" If a mailman was there, or the UPS guy, he'd growl, protecting his family and his turf from outsiders. Sometimes, he would sit on a window sill in the kitchen, watching the birds make a nest in the awning. He'd chatter his familiar hunting call, stick his paws up on the window and try to get at them.

When we recently got a kitten, he was such a trooper. He batted the cat away and avoided him, but never was mean or hurt the new kitten. He always was and is patient with my little brother who is six. Even when my little brother is being a toad and won’t leave him alone, Silky is still the most loving and calm cat.

He’s also not afraid to fight to protect those he loves. One night a few months ago, I was reading to my little brother when I heard hissing from outside. I went to check to make sure it wasn’t one of my cats and to make sure if it was one of mine, they weren’t hurt. I saw Silky in a stare-down with another neighboring cat. Knowing my bunny bear’s temperament, I thought my Silky bear was getting bullied; so I went to try to break up the fight and chase off the other cat. What ended up happening was the other cat ran across the street after he saw me walking toward him and my fatty ran after him!

I'm not ready to let him go yet. I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I knew one day I'd have to say goodbye, but I thought I'd have so much more time. Losing such an important member of my family is difficult. This will not be the first time we have dealt with a loss of a family pet either. There have been four before him who have passed. Oreo was long before we had a backyard, but his brother Mr. Cinnamon who passed when I was ten, was given the first of our backyard burials. Oreo and Mr. C were both my grandma's cats. It would be a year later that my mom lost 18 year old Trucker. And just a couple years ago, we lost 22 year old Furfle. Each, except for Oreo, was given a rose bush in the backyard as a replacement for headstones. Each was wrapped in their favorite blanket, the one that they claimed and always slept on. When Silky's time comes, and I suspect it will, much sooner than I'd like to admit, he'll probably get the napkin basket as well as a blanket. He means the world to me and  I don't want to let him go.

Week 4

It's week four of winter quarter, and there are some things that I've noticed about my teachers....

My English 1A teacher specifically is a really nice guy. When I was sick the first day, he basically said he'd mark that I was there even though I wasn't. Again, super reasonable guy. Super nice. However, it uh doesn't uh seem like uh he's always um prepared. And quite frankly, I'm not sure he has a clue what he's talking about sometime. I'm not trying to be a snob or claiming to be an expert or anything, but when we talked about the meaning of certain photos from the textbook, I'm pretty sure he was making stuff up as he went along. I get interpreting photos and their different element, but when you're talking about the fact that someone took a picture of their kids, chances are, they did not pose the photo. Meaning that while yes, the fact that one kid (the one that looks miserable) is wearing dark clothing while the other one is wearing light clothing makes for an interesting interpretation, it probably wasn't intended and means nothing. He's reading into this stuff way too much. Seriously. Again, super nice guy. Easy class. But holy flying fat cats is it annoying!!

My contemporary literature teacher is super nice too. I have to admit, I was more annoyed with her style of teacher at first. And while she hasn't changed it up a whole lot, I find I'm more okay with this class than the other English class. Sure she asks a ton of open-ended questions that make you wonder exactly what answer she's looking for, but it's still an easy going class. Also, it's small so it's much less intimidating. I've been sitting next to this one guy who sprained his ankle and has been wearing a boot and when we break off into pairs, we end up discussing her teaching style sometimes. The nice part being it's much easier to talk to people and get in the swing of things in this class. Plus, she uses Turnitin, a site I am very familiar with, rather than the catalyst program. Apparently, the other English teacher uses it too, but he hasn't had anything due for Turnitin yet.

Psychology! I actually really like this professor. It's a large class, so I'm even less likely to be one of those people that raises their hand a lot (not that I was one of those people before) but I still really love the class. It's a lot of notes, but I've made some friends in the class (from the first group activity we did) and I've actually known the answer a couple times in class. Super awesome. I think I'm learning a lot in that one. And it's light on homework. There's reading, but that's about it so far. So I'm keeping up in that one.

My history teacher can swear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he drops an F-Bomb like every other sentence. But he's also a very down-to-earth teacher. He's also very entertaining to listen to. We had our first test today and I was pleasantly surprised at the difficulty level. I prepared much more than was probably necessary, but that's also probably a good thing.

And then there's yoga. Rate My Professor had all this stuff about him being relatively creepy, but so far, I haven't noticed anything. It's a very relaxing class. Although it can also be a little boring at times. Last class, I found myself counting the ceiling tiles in the room. There are 196, in case anyone's wondering.

But first quarter is going well. I actually saw two people that I recognized, though I only ended up saying hello to one of them. The other was in a conversation with someone else and going the opposite direction.

On an entirely different note, my cat is sick. His name is Silky and he's part Maine Coon meaning he's supposed to be huge. But he's lost a ton of weight very rapidly. He's not really eating, so we took him to the vet. Last time he had gone from 15lbs to 10lbs. And in the course of about 1-2 weeks he dropped to about 8lbs. The vet tested him for Feline AIDS, but luckily, he tested negative. He's going in for an ultrasound tomorrow, but I'm very worried about him. He's been given an appetite stimulant which seems to be helping him quite a bit. He ate a quarter can of wet food earlier today and is chowing down on another quarter now. I'm really praying he gets better. I've had my silky bear for about 10 years now roughly. He's been such a constant in my life, I can't imagine life without him. I hope I don't have to for another few years. He's the sweetest cat I've ever known. He's always been my Fat Boy. A lazy oaf. Of course, he's not really lazy. He is fiercely loyal though. He used to growl at the UPS guy. He also has defended my mom's fairy garden on numerous occasions from neighbor cats. I'm really worried about him right now, so prayers would be appreciated.

Progress

Wow, has it really only been two days since I last posted? Usually, I'm so busy with stuff it takes me a week or so. Of course it helps that I had a friendly reminder.

But the title says progress, what progress?

Cleaning progress.  Now, I know I've been saying it for a while, both here and IRL that I'm working on cleaning up my room and reorganizing. And I get that for some of you are probably thinking, "Gee, how long can it take?" Well, let me clear up some stuff. Not only have I been reorganizing, but I've been moving furniture around, getting new furniture to replace some older stuff, and preparing for a super big change in living space. I'm sorry to be super vague, but I can't really say much about that change at this point in time.

Anyways, I finally got rid of my trundle bed mattress which means that I now have some new storage space under my bed, except that I need to make a few modifications. Specifically, I'm removing the slats that held the mattress and replacing them with support that will be a bit closer to the ground so I can actually store stuff under my bed.

 

I'm also moving a ton of jewelry making tools into a newly cleared out spot. I still need to move my bulletin board to a different wall, move my mirror up half a foot (and that thing is crazy heavy). Get rid of my old bookcases, reattach a smiley face to one of the decorations I have hanging from my ceiling, put more photos on the wall, shift things into my desk, hang up one more large key, and more. Seriously, my list feels like it never ends. I have to get the support mods done to put away half the stuff, and a good chunk of other stuff I need to retrieve from my dad's place.

Now add in job apps and school. That's why this project is taking me so long. In theory, I could have had a lot of it done over various school breaks, but on those longer breaks, I like to spend time with my friends for the short time they're here.

This weekend though, I got a lot done toward this project with my room. I organized most of my books, cleared out some space, and got my desktop computer set up finally. Now, I can actually work on homework efficiently as well as photography without waiting to go to my dad's house to do it. So yeah. Progress.

I'm not the only one working toward reorganizing though. My mom has been fixing up Keegan's room to make it "Star Warsy". He's got new paint, new sheets, a new bed spread, posters, and a new cabinet coming in. His room project is going much faster than mine is. Of course to be fair, he's got my mom working on it. For a project this large, I might have asked my mom for help, but I needed to do this one on my own, therefore, it's taking a lot longer. It doesn't help that I'm a really messy person normally.

Speaking of star wars though, it's time for my fun fact of the day!

My mom is a bigger star wars nerd than I am, and that's pretty impressive. She was part of the original star wars fan club and she kept pretty much all of the stuff from when she was like 13. This includes trading cards, Bantha Tracks (the name of the official fan club publications) up to something like issue 30, bubble gum wrappers, people magazine's special on star wars, sketches and drawn scenes by Ralph McQuarrie, and stickers. She was showing me some of this stuff the other day and I have to say I was very impressed. I also know where I get it from.

Sometimes it's almost scary how alike my mom and I are. I was looking through old family photos the other day (I needed to scan one for an English paper) and I found some from when I mom was in her twenties. The family resemblance is very, very evident. And then I saw a picture of my great-grandma Myrtle from when she was fairly young. Schmolies, she and my mom looked similar. I swear just a little different haircut on my mom and you might never know. It's really interesting (to me at least) to notice that older picture of Myrtle look very similar to my grandma now. The Schmidt line clearly has some very dominant traits being passed down.

But enough tangents. I have more job applications to fill out and plenty to do in my room before the little one goes to bed. And, I need to repair some jewelry for someone because I was supposed to have done it like a month ago. So yeah. Much art. Such busy.

Do you have any crazy projects you're working on? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Artsy Stuffs!

I'm so freakin' excited right now. Like, you have no idea.

First, updates on just life in general. I finally got my voice back!! YAY! So excite. Such wow. Also, it's a three day weekend, so yippee!

Second week of classes went fairly well. I only had psych class twice cause the teacher was out on Monday and Thursday. I'm not complaining. I'm making some really exciting spring break plans, though I don't want to say anything in case it doesn't end up happening. When I know for sure that it is, I will update for sure.

Onto why I'm so excited:

So, 500px is great for just photography and stuff, but it doesn't seem to be all that well known of a site. So even though I sell prints there (at least I'm pretty sure I am), I don't really sell a lot of prints. So, I decided to take advantage of the Deviant Art account that I've had open for the past three years, but never uploaded anything. So I just uploaded a couple of my photos to Deviant Art (links to my profile are in the sidebar) and I will be selling prints on Deviant as well! Of course, I don't necessarily expect to get any more business this way, but it would be really, really cool if I did. I'm just gonna go upload some more photos so I have more than 7 there, though not all of them will be available as prints. Eek! Super duper uber excited right now. But yeah, you should check it out.

Okay, enough shameless self-promotion.

What kind of exciting things have you all been up to? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Winter Quarter Begins

I actually made it to class today. Woohoo! Except that by the end of the day yesterday, I knew I could say so long to my voice for today. I made all these cute little notecards to help me out so I wouldn't have to say too much. I barely said anything all day except in whispers. By the time I got home today, my voice was a little better! So I started talking to my family and stuff. Unfortunately, that made it worse. So it's sayonara to my voice tomorrow as well. I know, I know. It's my own fault for talking this afternoon. But it stinks!!! I mean, for the most part I can communicate, that's no the issue. Believe it or not though, I like talking. I like being able to converse with people  without sounding ridiculous. But more than that though, the part I miss about my voice the most is being able to sing along with my music in the car. It's something I do to keep me from swearing at other drivers. Plus, I like singing. I actually enjoy listening to the radio and being able to sing every word. Although, I usually only do that when I'm alone in the car. When other people are there, I like making conversation. Seriously. Losing your voice sucks. And if you've had it happen to you, then you understand.

But enough about me being sick. Let's talk about the new quarter. Did you know that "Rate My Professor" is a fantastic and beautiful thing? Because this quarter (though I have yet to meet the yoga teacher), I love every one of my teachers. They are seriously respectable people. My history teacher said pretty much, he doesn't care if he's liked. It's more about respect to him. Which I can totally agree with. He's been pretty straight up, which I appreciate about my teachers. That's actually something that I respect from most people. Like, if I ask you something, I may not like your answer, but that's my problem, I can deal. Just don't give me some pile of bull because you don't want to hurt my feelings. Now that's not to say that I don't appreciate tact either. But there's a difference between tact and BS. Kay folks? You can be truthful without being a butt. Anyways. Where was I? Ah yes. Teachers. My psych teacher also seems to be pretty straight up honest too. Again, I appreciate that. My English Writing teacher seems pretty nice. He was the first to respond to my email about not being there the first day. He was just like, okay cool. I got you covered. That was nice. My E-Lit teacher seems.........blonde. And very....all over the place. Nice, but not exactly a "Life's tough" kind of teacher. But we'll see how the quarter goes.

Oh that reminds me. So I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I've seen like five or six people that I used to be friends with in elementary school at my school. I'm pretty sure they don't recognize me. Except for one guy who I used to pass on my way to math. He was coming from where I was headed. Every time we passed though we always said hi. So I know at least he recognized me. But the point I was really getting to is that in my psych class is not one, but two people from my elementary school AND I think someone I recognize from high school tech a few years older than me. So how about that, eh?

Oh, okay, last reason I'm excited about Winter quarter before I go: I actually have homework! Eek! It's been so long. I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's true. I need things to keep me busy! I don't want to sit still at all! I want to get things done! I'm ready to go! I'm sure I'll be sick of it by he end of the quarter, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

Aight guys. I gotta go! I have things to do. Like homework. And cleaning and stuff.

Adios readers! Good luck!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3