Hey Readers!
It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.
Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.
Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.
Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.
Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.
And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.
And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
It's week four of winter quarter, and there are some things that I've noticed about my teachers....
My English 1A teacher specifically is a really nice guy. When I was sick the first day, he basically said he'd mark that I was there even though I wasn't. Again, super reasonable guy. Super nice. However, it uh doesn't uh seem like uh he's always um prepared. And quite frankly, I'm not sure he has a clue what he's talking about sometime. I'm not trying to be a snob or claiming to be an expert or anything, but when we talked about the meaning of certain photos from the textbook, I'm pretty sure he was making stuff up as he went along. I get interpreting photos and their different element, but when you're talking about the fact that someone took a picture of their kids, chances are, they did not pose the photo. Meaning that while yes, the fact that one kid (the one that looks miserable) is wearing dark clothing while the other one is wearing light clothing makes for an interesting interpretation, it probably wasn't intended and means nothing. He's reading into this stuff way too much. Seriously. Again, super nice guy. Easy class. But holy flying fat cats is it annoying!!
My contemporary literature teacher is super nice too. I have to admit, I was more annoyed with her style of teacher at first. And while she hasn't changed it up a whole lot, I find I'm more okay with this class than the other English class. Sure she asks a ton of open-ended questions that make you wonder exactly what answer she's looking for, but it's still an easy going class. Also, it's small so it's much less intimidating. I've been sitting next to this one guy who sprained his ankle and has been wearing a boot and when we break off into pairs, we end up discussing her teaching style sometimes. The nice part being it's much easier to talk to people and get in the swing of things in this class. Plus, she uses Turnitin, a site I am very familiar with, rather than the catalyst program. Apparently, the other English teacher uses it too, but he hasn't had anything due for Turnitin yet.
Psychology! I actually really like this professor. It's a large class, so I'm even less likely to be one of those people that raises their hand a lot (not that I was one of those people before) but I still really love the class. It's a lot of notes, but I've made some friends in the class (from the first group activity we did) and I've actually known the answer a couple times in class. Super awesome. I think I'm learning a lot in that one. And it's light on homework. There's reading, but that's about it so far. So I'm keeping up in that one.
My history teacher can swear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he drops an F-Bomb like every other sentence. But he's also a very down-to-earth teacher. He's also very entertaining to listen to. We had our first test today and I was pleasantly surprised at the difficulty level. I prepared much more than was probably necessary, but that's also probably a good thing.
And then there's yoga. Rate My Professor had all this stuff about him being relatively creepy, but so far, I haven't noticed anything. It's a very relaxing class. Although it can also be a little boring at times. Last class, I found myself counting the ceiling tiles in the room. There are 196, in case anyone's wondering.
But first quarter is going well. I actually saw two people that I recognized, though I only ended up saying hello to one of them. The other was in a conversation with someone else and going the opposite direction.
On an entirely different note, my cat is sick. His name is Silky and he's part Maine Coon meaning he's supposed to be huge. But he's lost a ton of weight very rapidly. He's not really eating, so we took him to the vet. Last time he had gone from 15lbs to 10lbs. And in the course of about 1-2 weeks he dropped to about 8lbs. The vet tested him for Feline AIDS, but luckily, he tested negative. He's going in for an ultrasound tomorrow, but I'm very worried about him. He's been given an appetite stimulant which seems to be helping him quite a bit. He ate a quarter can of wet food earlier today and is chowing down on another quarter now. I'm really praying he gets better. I've had my silky bear for about 10 years now roughly. He's been such a constant in my life, I can't imagine life without him. I hope I don't have to for another few years. He's the sweetest cat I've ever known. He's always been my Fat Boy. A lazy oaf. Of course, he's not really lazy. He is fiercely loyal though. He used to growl at the UPS guy. He also has defended my mom's fairy garden on numerous occasions from neighbor cats. I'm really worried about him right now, so prayers would be appreciated.
My English 1A teacher specifically is a really nice guy. When I was sick the first day, he basically said he'd mark that I was there even though I wasn't. Again, super reasonable guy. Super nice. However, it uh doesn't uh seem like uh he's always um prepared. And quite frankly, I'm not sure he has a clue what he's talking about sometime. I'm not trying to be a snob or claiming to be an expert or anything, but when we talked about the meaning of certain photos from the textbook, I'm pretty sure he was making stuff up as he went along. I get interpreting photos and their different element, but when you're talking about the fact that someone took a picture of their kids, chances are, they did not pose the photo. Meaning that while yes, the fact that one kid (the one that looks miserable) is wearing dark clothing while the other one is wearing light clothing makes for an interesting interpretation, it probably wasn't intended and means nothing. He's reading into this stuff way too much. Seriously. Again, super nice guy. Easy class. But holy flying fat cats is it annoying!!
My contemporary literature teacher is super nice too. I have to admit, I was more annoyed with her style of teacher at first. And while she hasn't changed it up a whole lot, I find I'm more okay with this class than the other English class. Sure she asks a ton of open-ended questions that make you wonder exactly what answer she's looking for, but it's still an easy going class. Also, it's small so it's much less intimidating. I've been sitting next to this one guy who sprained his ankle and has been wearing a boot and when we break off into pairs, we end up discussing her teaching style sometimes. The nice part being it's much easier to talk to people and get in the swing of things in this class. Plus, she uses Turnitin, a site I am very familiar with, rather than the catalyst program. Apparently, the other English teacher uses it too, but he hasn't had anything due for Turnitin yet.
Psychology! I actually really like this professor. It's a large class, so I'm even less likely to be one of those people that raises their hand a lot (not that I was one of those people before) but I still really love the class. It's a lot of notes, but I've made some friends in the class (from the first group activity we did) and I've actually known the answer a couple times in class. Super awesome. I think I'm learning a lot in that one. And it's light on homework. There's reading, but that's about it so far. So I'm keeping up in that one.
My history teacher can swear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he drops an F-Bomb like every other sentence. But he's also a very down-to-earth teacher. He's also very entertaining to listen to. We had our first test today and I was pleasantly surprised at the difficulty level. I prepared much more than was probably necessary, but that's also probably a good thing.
And then there's yoga. Rate My Professor had all this stuff about him being relatively creepy, but so far, I haven't noticed anything. It's a very relaxing class. Although it can also be a little boring at times. Last class, I found myself counting the ceiling tiles in the room. There are 196, in case anyone's wondering.
But first quarter is going well. I actually saw two people that I recognized, though I only ended up saying hello to one of them. The other was in a conversation with someone else and going the opposite direction.
On an entirely different note, my cat is sick. His name is Silky and he's part Maine Coon meaning he's supposed to be huge. But he's lost a ton of weight very rapidly. He's not really eating, so we took him to the vet. Last time he had gone from 15lbs to 10lbs. And in the course of about 1-2 weeks he dropped to about 8lbs. The vet tested him for Feline AIDS, but luckily, he tested negative. He's going in for an ultrasound tomorrow, but I'm very worried about him. He's been given an appetite stimulant which seems to be helping him quite a bit. He ate a quarter can of wet food earlier today and is chowing down on another quarter now. I'm really praying he gets better. I've had my silky bear for about 10 years now roughly. He's been such a constant in my life, I can't imagine life without him. I hope I don't have to for another few years. He's the sweetest cat I've ever known. He's always been my Fat Boy. A lazy oaf. Of course, he's not really lazy. He is fiercely loyal though. He used to growl at the UPS guy. He also has defended my mom's fairy garden on numerous occasions from neighbor cats. I'm really worried about him right now, so prayers would be appreciated.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Very recently, I started having more intense panic attacks. Not too often, but when I set one off, I become incapacitated with nausea and cold sweats. It's horrendous and exhausting and quite frankly, I don't like it. So back toward the middle of October, I talked to my therapist who recommended I start taking some form of meditation or breathing class. Which I did. I started a Qigong class at the Y. Now I've only been going a few weeks, but all in all, I've enjoyed it and have been able to for the most part get things done correctly. And I hadn't had a panic attack so it seemed like it was working. And then I went this evening. I had a panic attack in the middle of the class.
*NOTE: If you panic by reading about other people's symptoms, skip to the next asterisk
Suddenly, I felt like I had something caught in my throat and I couldn't breathe which quickly transitioned to feeling like I would be sick all over the floor. I stopped doing the exercise and stood perfectly still for a moment hoping that it would pass quickly. But just my luck, it didn't. I quietly left the room to find the convenient water fountain right outside the door. I drank a little hoping it would help, but of course, it didn't much. When I came back in, I sat behind the others who were continuing unaware. Kate (the instructor) had them continue while she came and sat in front of me and checked to make sure I was okay. Luckily for me this panic attack did not last as long as others that I've had and the nausea was already starting to fade. But, it was creeping slowly to a few rounds of switches from intense heat to cold sweat. Finally, it had seemed to pass, enough so that I could continue the exercises.
******
According to the instructor, Kate, my panic attack meant that I was touching my qi in the right way. Now please forgive me readers if I don't quite believe that to be the case. I've had a lot of stressors this week and any one of them could have led to this. The scary part for me was that it seemed to come from no where. Just all of a sudden BOOM. Panic attack. Growing up, I've dealt with anxiety a lot. And I know exactly what all my anxiety symptoms are. If it's anxiety, I can tell immediately. Which is probably really good, but at the same time, who but a person who deals with anxiety pain a lot would know that? What normal teenager knows that about themselves? Sometimes, being a crazy person sucks.
Anyways, I hope your Thursday has been panic free. But let me know!
With that, I bid you adieu.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
*NOTE: If you panic by reading about other people's symptoms, skip to the next asterisk
Suddenly, I felt like I had something caught in my throat and I couldn't breathe which quickly transitioned to feeling like I would be sick all over the floor. I stopped doing the exercise and stood perfectly still for a moment hoping that it would pass quickly. But just my luck, it didn't. I quietly left the room to find the convenient water fountain right outside the door. I drank a little hoping it would help, but of course, it didn't much. When I came back in, I sat behind the others who were continuing unaware. Kate (the instructor) had them continue while she came and sat in front of me and checked to make sure I was okay. Luckily for me this panic attack did not last as long as others that I've had and the nausea was already starting to fade. But, it was creeping slowly to a few rounds of switches from intense heat to cold sweat. Finally, it had seemed to pass, enough so that I could continue the exercises.
******
According to the instructor, Kate, my panic attack meant that I was touching my qi in the right way. Now please forgive me readers if I don't quite believe that to be the case. I've had a lot of stressors this week and any one of them could have led to this. The scary part for me was that it seemed to come from no where. Just all of a sudden BOOM. Panic attack. Growing up, I've dealt with anxiety a lot. And I know exactly what all my anxiety symptoms are. If it's anxiety, I can tell immediately. Which is probably really good, but at the same time, who but a person who deals with anxiety pain a lot would know that? What normal teenager knows that about themselves? Sometimes, being a crazy person sucks.
Anyways, I hope your Thursday has been panic free. But let me know!
With that, I bid you adieu.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
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