Maturity

Well, I'll admit, this is a new thing for me. Allow me to explain:

My step-dad had picked me up from watching a movie with AC and I mentioned that I felt much of the resentful feelings I have had toward AC seem to be gone (something I had been actively working toward). My words of wisdom (write this one down kids): "Resent is an exhausting emotion. Sitting and letting it happen is worse than actively pursuing a change. Because active pursuit will be better for you in the long run." My step-dad's response to this was, "That is disgustingly mature for you to be able to have those words and actually live by them". His reasoning for that comment is that, "someone in their late teens and earl twenties should have no reason to be able to do that".

So yes folks. Apparently,  I am disgustingly mature. I've never been called that before. But I mean, being raised the way I was meant I had to grow up a lot faster than most kids. Some people in similar situations as mine get stuck. They're holding on to this unrealistic thing and they get dragged kicking and screaming through life instead of influencing their life to what it could be.

One of the best examples of this is probably my dad. He seems stuck where he acts like he's moved on, but he hasn't. He wants to talk to high school students and tell them "It's about choices". He wants to tell kids, that he is the only one in his family that made it through college and that makes him special. He thinks he's "evolved". You know what that means to him? He thinks he's right and everyone who disagrees is wrong. He thinks he's better than everyone else. He claims he isn't and that he's for equality, but he trashes those who do him wrong. He has no sense of forgiveness. He expects the world to change around him without him lifting a finger to help. This may be cliché, but I'm using a quote. Gandhi said be the change you wish to see in the world". My dad thinks he can influence change without changing himself in the process. That is why he is stuck.

And that is something I never want to be. So this is me saying, I will actively pursue and influence change and in the process I will change, hopefully for the better. I'm starting with forgiveness. I'm letting go of the resent and anger. Will I forget? I hope not. Because I want to remember ever person who has shaped me so that I can thank them for making me who I am today. So I can thank them for shaping the person I will become. In regards to AC, I wish her well on her journey of life and I hope we can remain friends for a long time. In regards to my dad, I am sorry for him. Not because of his past or the things that he has gone through, but because he hasn't grown from it. I hope one day he learns forgiveness and I hope one day that maybe I can teach him what it is, but I know I have to wait for him to be ready to learn. One day. I have hope that one day he will be able to embrace his past instead of running from it.

Note: I know that was a lot of tangents and random tidbits, and for that I apologize, but I didn't really know how best to describe my train of thought.

With that, I bid you adieu.

Sincerely,
PolarBearMoose <3

Dear Facebook

*sigh* I'm done Facebook. I'm just done. I want to be able to keep up with what my friends are doing. I want to still be involved in their lives. And Facebook, you've been a great tool for that. But I can't keep this up. As much as I appreciate it, now I'm just sad. Sad to see that my friend RG from high school is friends with BA, someone I met on a college visit and is going to the same college that I will eventually be at, but I can't be there to enjoy the mutuality of the friendship. Sad to see everyone post pictures of their dorms, while I sit in the same place that I'm going to be for the next two years while I take the less expensive road through community college. Sad that some of my best friends are moving on in their lives while I feel stuck. Once college starts, I suspect I'll be taking a hiatus from you to attempt to form new friendships and try to stop feeling jealous toward other friends. I'm beating myself up over this and it needs to stop. Now preferably.

I wish I could be there now. You all are creating your freshman memories now. Memories I won't ever really be able to create. If I could have gone straight there, I would have. I wish that could have been an option.

To my friends who are in college, especially BA and RG, you look like you're having fun. I hope you'll catch me up when I get their, okay girls? I'll be there soon. Just a couple years and I'll be there.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Bandwagon

Okay, I'd like to point out, that while yes, many of my friends are starting college blogs, that is not why I'm doing this. Someone made a comment at one of the recent events I was at that "It seems like everyone is starting a college blog". Now I don't know about the other people that have started one, but I have to say that for a long time, I was on tumblr under a different username. It's true that it was recently that I switched to PolarBearMoose (hence the lack of posts) but this is not my first rodeo. And the only difference between PolarBearMoose and the other blog I was using is that I don't mind if the people I know personally read it. It's frustrating though, because all the posts I have here and on my current tumblr only go back so far. And because I don't actually want the other one to be seen, I can't point to it and show it as some kind of proof. I'm probably being way too defensive about this, but for argument's sake, I won't jump on the bandwagon just to follow the crowd. Not ever.

A side note, since we're talking about blogs, I need a different sign off than the one I have been using because mine feels kind of awkward to add in sometimes. If you have any ideas, please, let me know :)

With that I bid you adieu.

--Polar Bear Moose <3

The Breakfast Club

Well, today was a average Monday. I got up, showered, got myself ready for the day then went to the last day of orientation. We took a quiz and I got my suggested schedule back with the counselor's comments that I "won't have time to dance". Um. Hello? One of the classes I'm taking is ballroom. I just found that to be odd. Anyways though, I have confidence that I can do it. I'm starting anew with classes. There aren't teacher's from my high school gossiping in the teacher's lounge about which students are the trouble makers. I have a fresh start. So, yeah. Anyways. We got out super early, so I got a ride from my new friend J. She and I talked about culture shock and other such things like what Americans eat. Since there's no college group tonight, I figured my night would be pretty dull, with me mainly sitting in bed watching Glee and Warehouse 13 the rest of the evening. But surprise, surprise, ES invited me and a few other people to watch the Breakfast Club and have breakfast for dinner. An in that moment, my evening was saved! ES mentioned that GI would be going and suggested I could get a ride from him. A few minutes later he texted me, offering to give me a ride. I love it when a plan comes together. Anyways, pajamas were recommended so I wore my beat up Hershey's Kisses pj's (because they're the only pair of pajamas I own with pockets). When GI showed up in jeans, I was afraid I'd be the only one, but when we arrived, others were in pj's too. I can say that I officially tried something new too! I am a very picky eater, so I was a little scared when spinach got mixed in with the scrambled eggs, but I have to say, I enjoyed it. Success for me, yippee!! It was great being able to spend the time with friends. Especially AM, since she'll be leaving for college in just a few more days. Gosh I'm gonna miss our mic girl conversations. She's going to go far though. I can tell.

NOTE* You may be wondering why I'm posting about this. Well, let me explain: I refuse to let this blog be a place that is sad and depressing for me and I feel like I've posted a lot about me being sentimental, sad, and nostalgic. Not that any of those are bad, but I need this to be a place that I can come when I am amazingly happy too. So, I'm working on that. *

Anywho, on an entirely different note, do you ever just get a song stuck in your head, but if you start singing it, you know people are going to think you're insane? Yeah, I've have PAINT's "After Ever After" song stuck in my head all day.

And on an even more random note, did you know Robert Downey Jr. can sing? Thanks to NH, for showing me that one.

Okay, I'm going to stop before you get lost in the sea of tangents going through my head.

Adieu to you all.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Game Night

So yesterday, I went to GI's house for dinner and a game night along with AC, ES, RP, and BV.  After sharing a wonderful meal with Mr. and Mrs. I and the rest of the gang, we got down to business: playing 7 Wonders. Now I had never played before, so ES helped me throughout the whole game, which was really nice. The game moved fairly quickly, partial thanks to AC who forced people to move faster by counting down in her impatience. Afterwards, we played one game, we had dessert (store bought angel food cake, sliced strawberries, and cupcakes made by AC's mom). We were going to play another game of 7 Wonders, but because of the time, we decided to play the Great Dalmuti instead. This one they taught me in Mexico, so I was well prepared. Of course, I was the greater peon. Again. ES was the great dalmuti and ordered me to balance a folder on my head. I seriously dislike whoever made that a house rule -_- Nonetheless it was a great night spent with friends.

On a different note, and the real reason I wanted to blog, I've been having one-sided negative feelings towards one of the people at the game night which I don't want, but I'm not sure what to do about. But yesterday, I guess I was feeling less angsty toward her because I invited her to an early birthday party that I'm throwing for myself before all my friends leave. She later contacted me and said she wasn't sure if she'd go (her ex is also coming), but still, I think I did right by inviting her. I didn't think I would, until I saw her yesterday and decided to ask. Maybe it's from bowling with the guys or something else, but I feel more forgiving, which is good, so I'm rolling with it.

And with that note, I need to finish cleaning before people arrive for the party.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Orientation Part 2

Originally, I wasn't planning on having much to say about orientation, but now that I think about it, there is still plenty to say. For example, I made a friend! J (I don't know her last name) is really sweet. We met on the first day because we were both looking for the room. She's at least 10 years older than I, married, and from South Korea, so it's interesting to hear her story. I honestly had no idea what to expect from fellow pupils, especially at a community college. It's interesting to hear where people are from and what they're interested in. For example, a lot of people want to go to a UC, specifically Berkley, which I find fascinating since I would never in my life want to go there (sorry people from Berkley, it's just not in my goal plan). Also, I'm the only one who has already been accepted somewhere and therefore, gets to be a little more laid back about filling requirements. Not that it'll be easy, especially since I'm taking Stats *shudder*. I just don't have to follow the CSU g.e. plan or the IGETC which is nice. At least, I'm pretty sure I don't. Since I'm deferring not applying? Is that how that works? I don't know. I'll figure it out somehow.

On a different note, we had our "first taste of Public Speaking" according to the instructor today. We introduced ourselves with:

NAME
MAJOR
GOAL
INTEREST/HOBBIES

I already had a plan so it was fairly easy. But then, I've had more public speaking opportunities than many high school graduates. Not by much, but I'd say talking to your entire high school for 15 minutes about your testimony is kind of big. Just saying. Plus there's all the theater work so, y'know. It's funny to look back and see how far I've come in just a couple years. Really. Because if I hadn't gone to the high school I went to , or met the people I did, I'd have been scared witless in front of the orientation class today. I'd have had such a hard time, but I didn't. It's just amazing to look and see the progress I've made sometimes.

Anyways, I have more orientation tomorrow, so I should probably be well rested. Who knows, something else might happen tomorrow that I consider blog worthy :)

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Orientation

Well. Today I had my first day of college orientation. It was mostly a good experience. I made a friend and everything! But there was this really awkward 10 minutes when a guest speaker from the "health services" came by to talk to us about what services were offered. Which was honestly, really great to know some of the things. But then there were other things. Things that coming out of a Christian Bubble, were just...disturbing. None of this was news to me that they had these things, but I still didn't want to hear about it on the first day of college orientation. For example, apparently, they have a demonstration in their office for how a condom works. I was ready to burst out laughing. Especially since the speaker was a college age student with legally blonde bubbly personality. On top of that, after taking a Pest & Civ class, I would bet I know more than she does about what diseases they're trying to prevent. Honestly. And then, she pulled out a bad smelling hand-sanitizer pen. What she said about it really had me laughing though. I'm mostly paraphrasing this but still:

"Okay, so you pop off the top. Then SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY. I like to use three sprays. Then you RUB RUB RUB because it dislodges the germs, okay? You really should come and get one of these. It's a great party trick."

Yeah, that's all it is lady, a party trick. Seriously people!! The most you can use that for is to get rid of  your own germs before shaking someone's hand. It was something else.

Photo Shoot

On Tuesday, I went on a photo shoot with a friend of mine who I met at the college youth group I attend. I didn't know her very well when we went on the shoot, but in the rough hour that we spent together, I learned so much about her. It was actually a very inspiring ad eye-opening experience to go out on a shoot with her. To protect her identity, I will call her Lara. Let me tell you a little bit bout her:

Lara, like me, will be attending college this year as a freshman. Also like me, she has quite a creative side. You see she has a kind of project that she is working on called the "FEARLESS Project". Her goal? To be able to freely express herself through writing, but also to experience life without fear. She believes fear is something created within, that if you don't feed the fire, it cannot continue to exist. She wants to destroy the fire of fear and replace it with memories and experiences. Lara writes about everything. About herself, about earth, about life. She desires to capture each aspect of life and create the world through her work.

The idea for photo shoot came up after youth group one night when we decided to go to someone's house afterward for ice cream. Lara mentioned that she wanted to start writing the word "fearless" under her eye and just walk around with it day to day. She thought it would be an excellent conversation starter and that she could spread the word about her project. When she mentioned this, I asked if I could take pictures of her when she started. I needed to expand my portfolio and this seemed like a very unique and excellent opportunity. She delightfully agreed s all we had to do was decide when to go out and shoot. At first we planned for the same week, but it turned out we both had other plans. Then, the same friend that had us over for ice cream held a tea party. Lara and I both attended and decided that would be a perfect day to go out. So both of us dressed in our favorite sundresses went out and searched for locations have no plan except to go out and take pictures.

 Now I am not the most daring person and I am very shy. Lara on the other hand is completely open and exuberant. She suggested something completely different for our first location. We drove until we found a house that we really liked the front of and asked the owner if we could take pictures in front of their house. This experience took me by surprise because I normally find public locations, being too shy to ask something like this. The owner was shockingly nice. Honestly, I would have thought they would less willing or just stiff about it. However, the man who answered the door talked to us about why we were taking pictures and had a very pleasant conversation about both his house and how he admired the arts. Apparently, the stone work in front of his house had been done by a family who taught each generation the trade passing down their heritage, from I believe Croatia (though I could be mis-remembering exactly where he said the family was from). We took plenty of photos in front of the house. When we were done, we thanked him and left.

We drove around some more until I saw a wooden bridge that I really liked. Actually, the part of the bridge I really liked was on the road so we settled for the wooden walkway. The lighting was beautiful and the background was woodsy and free from distraction. While we were there, a man came walking by with his dog Hobson. Lara asked if we could take pictures with Hobson and so we struck up conversation with Hobson's owner. Apparently, Hobson was a service dog and the owner had trained and raised him. They gave him to someone who needed him, but the guy didn't him for some reason and so after about four months, Hobson retired and came back to the family that had raised him. When we had finished with Hobson, his owner continued walking and we decided we were done at the bridge. We travelled across the street to an office building that had a second floor and used the balcony for another location. We took only a couple photos before continuing to our final location.

As we drove, we were trying to decide where to go until we were about to pass a high school that I had taken a summer class at once. Having been on the campus before, I knew there were a variety of locations we could use. It being a catholic school, there were statues of saints everywhere. We finally decided on a small circle surrounding a statue of St. Francis. The area had trees, grass, and benches that were all perfect for our task. As we took some pictures, Lara noticed a friend of hers and called them over to take a picture with us. They left and we took a couple more photos before finally decided we had enough. We ended our photo shoot, and she gave me a ride to a friends house where I had an art party to attend.

The whole experience brought some very interesting new experiences for me. For example, I would never ever talk to someone walking by or ask about their story, not because I don't want to but because I'm so shy. I am not the kind of person that goes out and asks someone if I can use their house front. Going out with Lara gave me a chance to make once in a lifetime connections with people that I would never have made on my own. Hearing people's stories and being able to connect was such an inspiring thing. I want to be able to do that more often. I want t be that kind of person that can stop a random person and something special about them. Everybody has a unique story. Imagine if everybody took two minutes out of their day to learn something about just one random stranger. Think of how friendly our society would be. And learning something abut someone can be so encouraging. To tell someone, I think your story is interesting and I want to hear more can change someone's entire day. if we all took just a couple minutes everyday, we could do so much good. That's the kind of thing I want to do with my life. But I don't want to create the world through writing like Lara, I want to create it through photography. I want to spend my life taking the things people don't notice and showing how beautiful they are, when others don't notice. I want to show the world from a different perspective.

Anyways, I hope you are inspired by all this as much as I am.

If you want to see pictures from the shoot, I will have some up on my tumblr in just half an hour!
Check the pictures out --> here <--

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Ants

Originally, I was going to sit down and write about a dream I had about driving, however, when I sat down, I discovered there were ants in my room. It may sound strange to you, but I am super scared of ants. Most people it's like spiders and bees and stuff. Me? It's ants. Now don't get me wrong, I don't like spiders or bees or really any other insect (except maybe butterflies and moths), but ants send me into panic attacks. It all started when I was five. My dad and I lived in an apartment, but we had a nice lawn in front of the place and some great space for outdoor play. It was summer and so it was pretty hot. I was in my speedo brand neon striped bathing suit playing in the sprinklers. I don't remember a lot about playing in the sprinklers, I just remember ants crawling up my legs and flipping out. Because essentially, they swarmed my legs. Sure they were plain old regular ants, nothing fancy like fire ants, but I freaked. I was crying and I couldn't get them off of me. So my dad hosed down my legs and they were gone, but I remember not being able to even move while they were on me, I was so scared. Since then, ants and I have not had a good relationship. I am convinced they hate me. And in return, I hate them. So when my dad came home today, I had to have him move half my stuff so we could kill the ants. Seriously, I still need my dad to take care of ants for me. Spiders I can deal with on my own. Ants, I either vacuum or have someone else deal with it. Anyway, he sprayed the house with Ortho and we went out to OSH to get some traps. But I am sleeping in the living room tonight. I hate being in the same room as ants. So hoorah for my dad for being my knight in shining armor against ants. Even though he'll make fun of me for it later, he still helped me out with this.

Is there something that freaks you out the way ants freak me out? Let me know in the comments. I will be posting about my dream later today if anyone is interested. And don't forget to check out my picture blog --> here <--

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Photograpy Captions

Look, I'm no expert, okay? And I'm not a photojournalist, nor will I ever be. I'm not taking pictures for a news story, but my photos do have a story behind them. You can interpret how you will and just ignore what ever I tell you about it, but I'm not going to put a one or two sentence tagline in the "caption" area that doesn't tell you the story. I try and keep it short, but some stories are longer than others. When the story is really long (as in multiple paragraphs), I put it here. My goal is to share the stories I learn and tell you about the little things in life that make a difference. Sure a picture of a dandelion might not be important to you, but if I have a picture of one, it's because there's something unique about why I took it. Sure sometimes I post filler pictures that I took from vacations or something, but I tell you in my captions why I took it. Maybe somebody else's dog may not be important and world famous, but his story could change your day hearing about it. The news and media today does not highlight the good things in life, and while no, I am not a photojournalist, I do want to share why the little things are important too.

To check out some of my photos, go --> here <--

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3

A Day with Friends

Remember how I said my love language was Quality Time? Well its amazing what some good quality time can do. You see, there's this group of guys that are like brothers to me. I call them my Lunch Bunch, and when I'm not talking directly to them, yes, I do use possessive pronouns. They are some of my closest friends. And it's hard for me to see them leave because I know things won't be the same once they're gone. They've been with me through so much, I can't imagine starting college without them. But that's not the point of this post.

So I've wanted to go bowling for the past month and I finally found a time that would work. So today, I met up with them at the bowling alley before we went to Denny's to get lunch. We laughed over stories from our summers and from teasing each other, like usual. On the way back to the bowling alley (it hadn't been open when we first got there), I couldn't help but smile the whole time because of the time I was spending with them. It was amazingly fun. Especially since somehow I managed to get all the guys there. All the ones I wanted there, showed up. I'm floating on this great feeling that I haven't felt for the past week. All summer, I have been forcing myself to go to events that honestly, I wouldn't care whether I went or not and the act of getting there was hassle some. But I have forced myself for fear of missing out on something. There's something else planned for tomorrow, but this time, I honestly don't care if I miss out. It's the first time I've felt it all summer and I think it's because I got to spend this day with my guys. I couldn't help but laugh and be happy the whole day, because I felt so tremendously loved by the time spent with them.

I think at some point, I will be writing a post that will really be a thank you letter to all of them, but not right now. Also, coming soon I will have a post about a photo shoot I did the other day, so stay tuned for more from the PolarBearMoose. Don't forget to check out my tumblr!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Five Love Languages

So, a while ago, I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book explains that there are as the title describes, five basic ways love can be expressed and received. They are as follows:

• Physical Touch
• Gifts
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Words

So for a long time, I was convinced that my love language was gifts, mainly because of something my mom had told me about when I was younger. But somehow, that didn't feel right. Maybe it was because I just didn't want it to be, but I discovered recently what my love language truly is. I just kind of wish I'd figured it out differently. My love language is Quality Time. The reason I know? I feel close to people when I am near them. The more time I spend with people, the more I feel loved by them. But that's not how I figured it out. See, I read in the book something that I hadn't thought about til recently: When those with Quality Time as their primary love language have plans cancelled on them, it can be devastating. I thought about that when recently I had someone cancel plans after getting sick. Now, while in my head, I knew they had a perfectly legitimate reason to cancel, I still felt horrible after finding out. It was then that all the pieces fell together. For example, I have separation anxiety, which is likely a result from my love language. The fact that some of my closest friends are leaving for college, I think I finally understand why I have been having such a hard time coping with that. I'm afraid of the lack of quality time. It's the reason summers depress me more than winter, the lack of quality time with my friends.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Birthdays

My birthday is in September, but all my friends (at least most of my guy friends) are going off to college at the end of August. Now, normally, I try to not make a big deal out of my birthday. I shrug it off, I do whatever. I set the bar low, because if I don't tell people that I have an expectation, I won't be disappointed when it isn't met. Because after all, how can it be met if no one knows what it is. Part of that is also that I don't always know what my own expectation is. But I can mope by myself when my birthday isn't what I wanted.

Well this year is different. I know exactly what I want. The thing that would mean absolutely everything to me. More so than any gift I could possibly receive, I wanted to spend my birthday with the people I care about. I wanted to spend my 18th with the people I love, doing things I love, following traditions I love. I had and have every detail planned that would make it perfect. But unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. And that seems to be true especially for me sometimes.

The only thing I wanted for my birthday, and I mean only because I don't care about receiving any sort of gift from anyone, was for the day to go as ideally as in my head. I wanted to eat lunch in Mrs. I's office, which probably seems weird for the reader who knows where that is. Following that, I didn't care what I did, as long as I could spend it with my lunch bunch. In fact, I would be totally and completely happy playing video games, or even watching the guys play video games for an entire afternoon, as long as I got to spend time with them, especially before they all leave for college. Because, while they're all away at school (with other friends!) I'll be alone at community college. But that's rant for a later time.

The point is, for once, I know exactly what I want, and it's the one ting, I know will never happen. As I said, I try to not make a big deal out of my birthday, as though it doesn't matter. But I care much more than I let on. Almost every year, I would plan my birthday party months in advance trying to make each year special. And y'know, just for once. Just one time, I'd like to actually have it go as planned.

Anyways, I guess I should stop now before I go off on a bunch of tangents. I'll save that for another time ;)

Don't forget to check out my photos on tumblr, which I do update daily:
polarbearmoosepics.tumblr.com

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Right Place, Right Time

So, for the past month or so, I've been using a tumblr page for most of my blogging and what not. But based on the things that I have previously blogged and re-blogged on tumblr, I no longer think it is the right place for the kind of posts I'd like to have here. With that, I will be linking all my pages together to create a mass network of social media forming one hopefully un-chaotic net that I can express myself with.

And so with that, if you're on tumblr and would like to follow me, check out this link:
polarbearmoose.tumblr.com

If you want to see my photo blog, which I update daily, check it out here:
polarbearmoosepics.tumblr.com

And now, I bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3