Birthday Season

Hello Readers,

It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.

Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.

So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.

I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.

You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.

Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3