Christmas!!

I love Christmas. It's seriously my favorite holiday. I love the time I get to spend with my family. I love watching my little brother in his excitement. Almost every year, he'll open something and say, "IT'S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED.......What is it?" He's so excited about giving too. He had clear ideas this year on exactly what to give people too. His gift to me? My Little Pony stuff. I'm so proud, he knows me so well! I love his enthusiasm for Christmas.

I'm so blessed to have my family.

Anywho, what was your Christmas like? Fave moment? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Hasty Generalizations

I really hate when people include me in these hasty generalizations of things they're unhappy about. Right now specifically, my mom is doing it. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But see, she really likes things clean. Okay. I can understand that. But it's hard not to hear through paper thin walls that she's upset about when things aren't clean. Again, I get it. She likes things clean. But when she comments about how she's told us (the kids) to do things a certain way, for example pulling open a shower curtain so it doesn't get moldy, hang up the mats and towels, etcetera, and we haven't done it, it's a little frustrating. Because we're too "self-involved". Now I'm mature enough to take responsibility for the things that maybe I could be helping more with, but I'm pretty sure that in regards to the bathroom for example, I've done what she's asked every time. Maybe I forget one of the ten things she's ask occasionally, but not enough to be called self-involved.

What really frustrates me though is that I'm the only one of us (the kids) that seems to care enough to try and step-up a little bit more. The responsibility for compensating for everyone else seems to always fall on me. Which really just isn't cool. I'm sorry if I can't spend every second of every minute of everyday making everyone else around me happy with out going literally insane. Excuse me if every once in a while, I'd actually like to be happy myself. I apologize if I'm too "self-involved" to have done all those things in the bathroom that were asked. Since I am so self-involved, maybe I shouldn't have gone and hung up the coat that fell out of the closet (no fault of my own) because it was lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway. I'm so darned self-involved that volunteered to go out and get a separate dinner for my mom the other day because she was having a break-out in her mouth. I guess that's just me being self-involved.

Sorry for the rant guys. I'm just feeling a little frustrated at the moment.

Hope you're having an okay Monday.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Hobbit & Denny's: Round 2

So, I know I started this blog before the first Hobbit and Denny's escapade and therefore saying Round 2 probably makes no sense. But I think the title is more for my benefit at this point anyways. I mean, for those people who I know read my blog, *cough* Gregory *cough cough* Travis *cough*, do you actually pay attention to the titles? I'm honestly curious.

Anyways, where was I? Oh right. The Hobbit and Denny's. A little backstory for those readers who weren't there. Which is most of you. Last year, there was a group of people who all went to the Hobbit premiere. Now I can't say much about the movie experience. Because really, I think everybody who is reading my blog knows what it's like to see a movie in theaters. There's not much to say except you sat in a dark room watching a big screen. Now maybe it's different for some people. But for me, that's usually what it's like. Wow. Tangents. Apparently I have lots of them. ANYWAYS. So after we went out and saw the premiere, there were four of us. I believe it was RD, GI, and MH. Correct me, GI, if I'm wrong though. And I can honestly say it's one of my favorite memories of spending time with any of my lunch bunch. If you want to know more of those fave moments, I reference some in my post "To the Guys". Just FYI.

This year, I wanted to do it again. Now, I know, I know, recreating the exact memory would be impossible. Okay. That's fine. But it doesn't mean I couldn't create similar ones, right? So I waited to see The Hobbit until tonight, or I suppose last night and this morning, with all of my lunch bunch. Now true to (almost) every event I ever plan ever, not everyone could make it. Which was sad. But, I think it still worked out. I hate planning things. Planning this especially was nightmarish due to trying to cater to everyone's schedule. However! I managed to figure things out not too terribly! We joined with another group led by MW to actually see the movie. I did not expect that the entirety of the group who went to see the movie would go to Denny's as well. And so, there were about 20 of us (probably a few less) who all came to Denny's around midnight for laughter, friendship, and enjoyment.

I must say, while I will always remember the first time around with Denny's and the first Hobbit movie, this night was perfect. It wasn't at all what I expected and normally, I'd be disappointed that things didn't go according to plan. But this was better. In everyway. I know it wasn't my event (probably why it went so well), but it's probably one of the better things I even attempted to plan. I'd say matched only by bowling back in August.

To you, my dear readers, I ask, how has your weekend been? Do you have fun or exciting plans for the holidays?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Winter NorCal Gathering 2013

Well, today was the winter NorCal gathering of cosplayers and photographers. I really didn't want to pull together a Cosplay at the last minute, so I gathered together some steam-punk stuff that I already had. When I arrived in Fremont for this thing, Lauren, who I was supposed to be meeting was no where to be seen. Of course, I knew she would be running late as she had told me she was leaving half an hour later than myself. However! While I was waiting for her, I met up with Cameron and Amber, who at the last gathering were dressed as x-men. This time Cameron was Supergirl and Amber was Batgirl. I don't remember if I mentioned before, but Amber is the one who has Kryptonian tattooed on her arm.

Anywho, with all the steampunk I had, most people asked if I was from Firefly. And eventually I decided it was easier to just say that I was gender-bent Malcolm Reynolds instead of trying to explain being an O.C. As soon as I take my pictures off my camera, I'll add some in right here:

But alas! I had to leave the gathering early so that I could go home and decorate sugar cookies. I may or may not have been a little inspired by the gathering: 

Also, one of the cookies was broken in half. This was the result: 

My family has somewhat of a morbid sense of humor sometimes. I got to decorate the bottom half. Hehe. 

*sighs* Ugh. I still have so much to do. I half to make sure I stop at like 50 different places (which is probably an exaggeration, but it feels like 50 sometimes) by the end of the week. Oi.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll have more to report on things I've done tomorrow. But in the mean time, how is your weekend going? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Cancelled Plans?

Gah! I get when people do it! Especially the making plans that sound super fun, and almost totally set except for minor details, then never getting back to me about whether its actually happening or not.  OR there's the simply not responded to an invitation period. Seriously. I get it if someone can't come. Fine. But could you at least let me know so I can plan? So I know how to plan? Am I allowed to have enough details to be able to actually enjoy the things that I do plan without being overwhelmed by stress? Apparently not! ARGH!!

In other news though (and completely unrelated to the above rant), I went to an alumni Luncheon today! It was really great seeing so many familiar, friendly faces. I think I even made a friend! Success of the day? Maybe. The jury's still out. But! I also got to see Frozen! Hooray for Norway! Also, Idina Menzel is kind of the coolest person ever. Just FYI. However, I must say that Rapunzel is still my favorite. I mean really. She's a blonde and a brunette. Plus she has killer green eyes. As I said to GI, and I will still argue now, it's like we're the same person, just....not. 

Anywho! I was making plans to see the hobbit and go to Denny's with peeps, but nobody was really responding and those who did with definite answers, old me they couldn't make it. Which is kinda super frustrating since I waited to see it with these people. I coulda seen it like 20 times by now. But I didn't. So. Yeah. 

Sigh. Please excuse the rant. 

Do you have pet peeves? Things that you can't stand when people do? 

With that I'll bid you adieu!

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Opposite of Winning

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you can't win? Like nothing you do is good enough? Like you're not good enough? Today was kind of one of those days for me. 

Today, I went to the city with a bunch of friends who are all home for the holidays. I should have been having a great day. I got to hang out with some great people, we had a great time at the wharf. Fun stuff! So why didn't it feel that way? I honestly don't know what word I would use to describe exactly what emotion was going through my head. I know depressed would be floating around in there somewhere. All I know is that by the end of the day, I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. There was a moment looking into the water at a fountain, that a glimmer of the old me, the depressed me came back through my reflection and that scares me. It scares me how easily and quickly I can go from totally okay to thinking about how easy ending things would be. I don't ever want to act on that feeling. But what if it gets worse? What if one day, that fear doesn't come and that part of me stays more than a moment? I hate living like this. Wondering when the depression will strike again. I never want to tell anyone that I'm even struggling because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me, but there are so many times during the day that sometimes I need someone to just give me a hug, or ask me if I'm okay. And unfortunately, I know that can't happen. I know there not always going to be someone there to keep me grounded. I just hope there will be someone when it's really bad. Because I don't know if I'm strong enough on my own. 

With Love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Finals Week

ARGH. Finals week. It's almost over, but I want it to be done now. I'm done with the tests and the random papers. The only thing left is a speech for public speaking. I just want it to be done. I want to go home and take a nap. I think I'm getting sick, and I didn't sleep well either. I think my anthropology final went well. It looks like I'll have an A in the class. Thank goodness. The only one I'm really unsure about is math. Ugh. I took that one on Tuesday. I'm so glad it's over.

The only thing I don't like about the quarter ending is that I've made friends in some of my classes and I don't know when I'll see them again. Not close friends like the ones from King's, but close enough that I'd love to hang out with them again. Fortunately, I made some friends in Intervarsity and I know I'll see them around a lot, so I won't be totally starting over again in friend making. But still. I don't enjoy making and losing friends so often. Oh well. In a quarter it's hard to get that close I guess.

*sigh* I should practice my speech now.

If any of you are going through finals, then I will wish you good luck. If your finals are over, hooray! Go celebrate.

With that I'll bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Last College Group

Okay so yesterday, I went to the last college group at Jehaan and Julie's house since they're moving to Canada in January. Kayla suggested that we all come about a half an hour early to have dinner too and that we could bake and decorate shortbread cookies. She also generously provided all the supplies for cookies. And yes, I was sad that it was the last one, but I'm not going to talk about how sad and mopey I am. Instead, I'm going to talk about how fun decorating was! So Kayla had this acorn cookie cutter, but the stem broke off from the dough before it got baked and I guess if kind of looked like a Pikachu. And once Julie made frosting, I got to decorate the Pikachu cookie! Yay!!

Also, Laura made an orange peel and toothpick creation that looked like a boat. And she decorated one orange peel to look like water. Pictures were taken! It was really fun!

On an entirely different subject, I have this friend from my ballroom class, Guillermo, who I talk to about tons of random stuff like SciFi and other fun stuff. It's really great because we'll be talking ad not even realize that an hour has passed. And normally we talk after dance is over, so it's like 9:30 before we decide to end the conversation and go home. And I have to admit, I miss being able to do that with people on a regular basis. So since today was the last dance class (cause it's finals week!),  we both agreed to stay in touch. Plus, I think we're both hoping to take Archery in the spring (or whatever quarter it's available). Seriously though, we start talking about something and will lead to something completely different. And when we get to something more serious like politics or religion, we'll be talking and all of a sudden ask ourselves why that subject, and in his case, "Why not Furbies?" Which lead to us talking about gremlins. Don't feed them after midnight. Or put them in water. Nope nope nope! And most of the time, we're just joking around about stuff. I like being able to be so relaxed and worry-free in conversation. I feel like I've been missing that too, just being able to say something and not have it go the wrong way. I feel like I can be myself. I don't have to pretend that I'm XYZ or anything. I'm not trying to be all sad and depressing or anything, cause I'm super happy right now, but I haven't felt this care-free in a really long time. I'm really glad that I've actually been able to make some friends that I can feel this way around. I definitely feel like I have a clean-slate. Not that I need it or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to reinvent myself, but dancing is just one of those things that always brings out a much more confident version of me and I feel like this quarter, I've been able to apply that to life in general. I have a nice outlook on life and stuff.


And yet again, crazy random subject change. Seriously, there's no motivation behind these changes other than my brain just going, "ooh! shiny!" but with topics of conversation and blogging... Anyways! I realized what I like most about my church. I just figured it out the other day. Part of it is the pastor, but the other part is the people. In other churches that I've visited, I see a bunch of people who are trying really hard to cover up all their flaws so they can pretend everything is perfect. In my church, I see a lot of broken people who are just as desperate for Jesus as I am. I don't see a single person in my church who seems like they have it all together. Some may be farther in their walk with God, but even the pastor is broken and being healed. It's real people with real problems, but they're actually willing to talk about it and be open about things in their life. I guess I just really like that I don't feel like an outsider for being broken too.

Anyways, is there someone or something that brings out a totally different side of you? Or maybe it just makes you feel more confident? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

My New Desk!

It finally came!! Yay! Rather than spend my afternoon doing an essay (due tomorrow, yikes!) I spent my time building my desk. I have to say it's perfect and exactly what I was looking for. It took me so long to find one that I liked, but once I did, just wow.

It's quite a bit more "decorated" now (aka, covered in school work and stuff because I need to clean still). But I love it. I think I'm going to go out and get baskets for it next weekend. And also set up my desktop and stuff. Gah!! So excited. First time I've had a desk in two weeks. Now I can stop charging my laptop on the floor. Ermagersh! Seriously loving it.

Ooh, but guess who is officially registered for classes for next quarter? This girl! I don't quite remember if I've mentioned it before or not, which is why I'm talking about it now. Anywho, I have two English classes and a psych class and a yoga class and last but not least, a history class! I know, kind of a flip-flop compared to this quarter. Oh wells!

Ooh and, I get to go to Mexico this year!! Woot! I probably won't stop mentioning this, even after I go. Sorry, but you're just going to have to deal with it. So many exciting things happening. Yay! Anyways, that essay is kinda sorta still waiting for me.....soooooooo....I gotta go now.

Adios amigos!
Au revoir!
Adieu!
Arrivederci!

Okay no more procrastinating for me (well, at least not for the minute).

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3
 

Impatience

Gahhh! So my room has kind of been in shambles while I redecorate and what-not. I moved my desk out I my room to make room for one that my grandma helped me order from IKEA. So now, I'm just waiting for it to come. It's pretty much supposed to come any day now. I'm really really impatient about it coming though. Plus, I feel a little stuck with cleaning until it comes. Argh! I mean, there's stuff I can do, but it's hard because the stuff I I really want to take care of is stuff I need the desk for. Also, I think I want to get different bookshelves too.

Of course, cleaning and redecorating has kind of taken a back seat until finals are over. I can't wait until this next week is over. Then it's freedom! At least until next quarter. But I get something like 3 weeks of vacation, so, that's something. Also, my finals week coincidentally ends the same day that The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug comes out. Which means that I get to have my own little party of one to celebrate surviving my first quarter of college! Or at least it's a party of one until people come home again. Actually, that's a bit of an exaggeration. There are plenty of people here that I could go see it with. But I don't really want to see it with anyone else until I see it with some of my lunch bunch. Which may never happen, but I'm gonna hold out hope that I can which is why I'm not planning on going with a bunch of people. And that is why I'm planning on going by myself at least the first time around. 

I just want this quarter to be OVER already. One more week left. And, I'm pretty sure I'm past the worst week. I only have like 3 more things due next week and the rest is all tests. Two of them are on Monday and the last is Friday, meaning it should be a breeze. 

Anyways, hope your week went well. Fun plans? Stressing plans? Let me know! 

And now I will bid you adieu.

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 3

Ughhhh. So much homework. I may or may not have been avoiding doing it all weekend. But really, if you had friends that were in town for the week and y'know family plans and what not, would you do homework? I don't think so! But it's killing me now. Actually, all in all, it's not that bad. Just 2 days worth of transition matrices, 2 anthropology journals, two speeches, and most likely an 8 page term paper. Baby steps though. Besides, I've edited about half of the Twilight Sparkle photos that I took in October! So progress was made today! It just took me a while to start. I still need to edit my Sharks photos from the Senators game also in October, but that's more of a personal project. It can wait until after finals.

So here's the delightful updates to end the week with. Friday, I went to this family dinner night things at one of the various churches that I've been even remotely involved in. There I saw many of my friends who I hadn't seen at college group (same church associated btw). So that was exciting. It was a potluck, and I have to admit, I really wasn't thinking that far in advance, plus I honestly didn't know if I was going to go, so I ended up bringing store-bought pumpkin pie. I know, I know, I could've done better. At least I brought something! I played Flashpoint for the second time ever. But we lost this time. We didn't save enough people unfortunately, or more to the point, too many people died in a fiery explosion of death and destruction. So there was that.

Anyways, after that fun event, I dropped GI off at his place where RP was waiting. We had a nice chat about things that had happened while we were at college and so on and so forth.

The next day, RP had a barbeque that a good portion of the Lunch Bunch attended. I have to admit, I think it was one of the best events I attended during the week. It was definitely the one I felt the most at ease at. At the same time though, I didn't want it to end because I knew once it did, I'd have to say goodbye again. And sure, it's not for nearly as long, but it still sucks. Every time. It's what makes me wish that I were away at college. I feel like if I were away, I'd be more distracted from everyone else leaving. But enough sad mopey-ness for now. I have more to tell!

I found out by strange happen-stance that RP and I went to the same preschool. Not the same teachers, but still.

The guys ended up playing Ultimate Frisbee while the girls (all three of us) watched them. And then came mischief. MJ, AC, and I teamed up to mess with their keys and wallets which they had left with us. We made sure all was sorted out before they left, so no harm done! But it was amusing to do.

I've decided. This week was not nearly long enough. And so my new time to count down for is the week after my finals. The guys, or at least GI, agreed that when the second Hobbit movie comes out, we should all go as a group to see it and pretend it's the midnight premiere.

The story behind that being, we went last year and made some very hilarious memories at a Denny's after the show.

So if we pretend it's the midnight premiere, we can all go out to Denny's again and create new memories. Definitely stuff for the scrap book.

At this point though, it's time to stop avoiding work. I've been working on and off while typing this. But now it's time for me to bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 2

Riiiiight. So neither the girlfriend, nor the mother came. Le sigh. Not like it makes a difference to me or anything, because hey, it means the day was significantly less awkward. Except that I had mentally prepared myself for it. So the mother had already flown back to Kansas. So she was never coming. But then the girlfriend apparently got sick. Apparently. And so she cancelled very last minute. Honestly, I think this girl is frightened by me. Which I suppose makes sense since we're practically the same dang age. But it's not like I'm gonna go all legally blonde on her. I mean so what that we're only six years apart? So what that my dad could practically be her father based on the age difference? I'm not judging. Am I weirded out? A little, but whatevs. It's all good.

Anywho, guess who saw catching fire yesterday? This girl! Guess who saw Thor 2 (finally) today? This girl!  I have I say I was very impressed by Catching Fire. I liked the way they did the arena. Now of course, movies are almost never as good as the book, and I'm not saying it was. But I really liked the way it was done. I really liked the scoring too. When I heard the Xtina song for the soundtrack, I was dreading it. I was like oh noes. How they gonna pull that one off? But the scoring was fantastic. Anywho, I recommend seeing it. Any issues that I had with this one were the same as the first one. And half my issues with the first one were almost resolved in this one. We'll see what happens in the next one though. 

And then there's Thor. Oh marvel. Now, I will admit this one was far better than the first Thor movie. Say what you want about how great you may have thought the first one was, but a two day turn around is ridiculous and quite frankly the most unrealistic piece of the storyline. Assuming that every other fantasy premise were true, that two day romance would still be the most ridiculous thing in hat movie. And I will hold to my thought that 30 seconds of video montage would have made that movie 10 times better. 30 seconds to show them building a romance. SO FRUSTRATING. Anywho, the second one. So as I was saying, it was better than the first. And that doesn't happen much in sequels. It seemed a tad busy at times, but it kept me on the edge of my seat. Some of the bits with Loki were a but predictable, but then some weren't. It's a toss up. I liked it though. Next on my to watch list? The Book Thief. I'll have to review it once I see it. 

I have a ton of stuff to do now, so I'll have to update with a part 3, but for now, I'll bid you adieu. 

With love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 1

There are a few things going on this week that I want to talk about, and I'm probably going to make a few posts about it, so bare with me this week and we can all get through it.

For starters, quite a few alumni, specifically friends from my grade, have come home for the week, or at least part of the week. And I must say, I have been excited for this week to come since the day everyone left. I had nothing specific in mind of what I wanted to happen this week. It's not like I planned every second of every day and what kinds of shenanigans I could get into this week. I was honestly just excited to see everyone. But now that so many people are home, the excitement is gone. I've talked with a few people about this and they definitely helped me figure out the mess of emotions that I'm feeling. And I've realized, that before they came home, I had been feeling like I only had to hold everything together until people were home, then everything would all of a sudden be better. All of a sudden, I wouldn't feel so broken. I wouldn't need to hold myself together, because I'd be totally fine. And now that they're home, I still feel broken. That part hasn't changed. And I'm angry with myself for breaking down now. I mean, I'm glad that the people that I'm breaking down around are so supportive of me. But at the same time, I look at things like Facebook and everyone seems to be happy in college as though they're totally fine and moving on easily. Sometimes I see that and think I'm the only one struggling. After talking with my friend Travis, I know I'm not the only one, but I still feel like I have to put on a brave face and pretend everything's okay.

But that's just a piece of this week for me.

The other major part is Thanksgiving Day. Years ago, when Keegan was born, I made a trade-off. I knew I wanted to spend Christmas with him and watch him grow up. In order to spend Christmas with him though, it meant that I had to give a holiday to my dad. Specifically Thanksgiving. I figured, hey, it's really only one day. It doesn't make a huge difference or anything. If it were up to me, I'd spend every holiday with my mom. But this Thanksgiving, we'll be joined by my dad's girlfriend and her mother. not that I dislike his girlfriend, but it's a little awkward for me. Especially since she's 24. So that's part two.

I'll have to let y'all know how the week continues, but this is just kind of a piece of the week. Hopefully, y'all are all having a better week.

So I'll bid you adieu for now.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Books and Happy Endings

I feel...disillusioned by novels. I've been reading various stories on this website called Wattpad, and I must say, I'm sick of reading about happy endings. Which is a weird feeling for me. I grew up with every Disney princess movie out there, constantly dreaming about finding my own happy ending. Even in movies today, specifically RomComs, there's this idea that everyone has to have a happy ending. Everything has to be perfect. But it's a fantasy. It's not real. Where are the real stories, the ones where things don't always work out? The ones where the guy doesn't always get the girl and vice-versa. I want to read something new that doesn't have that. None of those over the top dramatic stories seem real. They're not relatable anymore. Things are too perfectly predictable.

And yet, even saying all this, I still root for the happy endings. I'm absolutely sick of them, but I still look for them and hope for them. Whether IRL or anywhere else.

Sorry this is so short guys. Although, considering how long some of my other posts have been, y'all are probably glad this one is so brief. Anyways, I hope you guys have enjoyed your weekend. Maybe you read something interesting, maybe not. If there's a book you like, recommend it. I'm always looking for something new to read.

So I'll bid you adieu!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose

Panic Attacks

Very recently, I started having more intense panic attacks. Not too often, but when I set one off, I become incapacitated with nausea and cold sweats. It's horrendous and exhausting and quite frankly, I don't like it. So back toward the middle of October, I talked to my therapist who recommended I start taking some form of meditation or breathing class. Which I did. I started a Qigong class at the Y. Now I've only been going a few weeks, but all in all, I've enjoyed it and have been able to for the most part get things done correctly. And I hadn't had a panic attack so it seemed like it was working. And then I went this evening. I had a panic attack in the middle of the class.

*NOTE: If you panic by reading about other people's symptoms, skip to the next asterisk

Suddenly, I felt like I had something caught in my throat and I couldn't breathe which quickly transitioned to feeling like I would be sick all over the floor. I stopped doing the exercise and stood perfectly still for a moment hoping that it would pass quickly. But just my luck, it didn't. I quietly left the room to find the convenient water fountain right outside the door. I drank a little hoping it would help, but of course, it didn't much. When I came back in, I sat behind the others who were continuing unaware. Kate (the instructor) had them continue while she came and sat in front of me and checked to make sure I was okay. Luckily for me this panic attack did not last as long as others that I've had and the nausea was already starting to fade. But, it was creeping slowly to a few rounds of switches from intense heat to cold sweat. Finally, it had seemed to pass, enough so that I could continue the exercises.

******

According to the instructor, Kate, my panic attack meant that I was touching my qi in the right way. Now please forgive me readers if I don't quite believe that to be the case. I've had a lot of stressors this week and any one of them could have led to this. The scary part for me was that it seemed to come from no where. Just all of a sudden BOOM. Panic attack. Growing up, I've dealt with anxiety a lot. And I know exactly what all my anxiety symptoms are. If it's anxiety, I can tell immediately. Which is probably really good, but at the same time, who but a person who deals with anxiety pain a lot would know that? What normal teenager knows that about themselves? Sometimes, being a crazy person sucks.

Anyways, I hope your Thursday has been panic free. But let me know!

With that, I bid you adieu.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

My Weekend *UPDATED*

So, these past few days have been kind of crazy busy. Thursday, I started a massive to do list longer than my arm. And I continued that list into the weekend and even made myself one for tomorrow. I kid you not, the next week is going to be nuts. I'm really just trying to stay busy until Thanksgiving break. I'm counting down the days, so it's probably going to be a long week.

But here are some things that I didn't get around to blogging about until today:

Friday November 15th:

I went to digital photography! And got to model! I'm very excited to go back on Monday and visit a little more. And since it was a Friday, I got to stick around longer to talk to people cause my class didn't start until 11:30! Woot!

But then, I went to a camera store to see if I could get my twin reflex past this one step I was stuck on to keep building it. And they told me the spring was the wrong size, soooo, it won't work. Ugh!! So now I have to call the company and ask about it. Joy.

So I went to this Thanksgiving party thing at my dad's work, which was pretty boring since I don't really know anyone there. I left pretty early to go to my grandma's place and got caught in rush hour traffic, when my car started over heating! It took another 10 minutes for me to be able to pull into a gas station and actually do something about it. Darned rush hour traffic. Fortunately, I don't think anything was broken in my car. I think it just needed coolant. And lots of it. I made it safely to my grandma's but poor Gertie (My car's name is Gertrude) is going in for a check-up this weekend.

Saturday November 16th:

I went to IKEA with my grandma cause we were getting a new desk for my room. I'm super excited! Yay! And we found the perfect desk chair to go with it too. Score! Anyways, my grandma's never been to IKEA before, so it was an adventure to get there and walk around. Lauren met us there to help us find stuff. We'd have been lost otherwise. I found the desk, but it was order only, so we decided to do that along with the chair. We headed back to my mom's house where Lauren and I hung out for an hour before going to the mall.

It was really just a people watch experience. But I got some cool bracelets out of it! And I got to know Raz, Lauren's girlfriend, a little better too, so al in all, I'd say it was a good day. Also, I made plans to hang out with Christy tomorrow. Hoorah!

Today!

So, I have to keep doing laundry, but later I get to chill with Christy and Lauren which is something the three of us have not done in forever. Anyways, I guess that's all.

Tell me how your weekend or week has been! Maybe you have a crazy story or an awesome thing going on, I don't know!

With that I bid you adieu!

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3

------------------ *UPDATED 11/19/13*---------------------

So about Gertie. Remember how I said she was going in for a check-up? Yeah. So my step-dad decided to wait until Sunday to try to take her in. Whatevs. Except the shop was closed on Sundays. So I had to drive his car to school Monday since Gertie still needed to go in. Again, whatevs. It wasn't a big deal to drive a different car, except that my ping permit for school is a window sticker. On Gertie. So guess who forgot to buy a temp one at school Monday morning? This girl. Even better, guess who got a $45 parking citation for not having a permit? This girl. Am I angry at the security that gives citations? No, not really. Am I pissed and frustrated about my car not going in til Monday afternoon? You bet I am. And on top of her needing to go in, she definitely has a leak somewhere in the coolant system or radiator or where ever it is. Which means dear readers, I don't have a parking permit for school for probably the next week. So I asked my friend Tim where he parks, cause I know he doesn't park on campus, and he told me basically across the street, but said it was a 5 to 10 minute walk. No big. I can deal. The parking is free, and I'd rather do that than pay close to $15 for a week of parking on campus. *sigh* Anyways, I need to get back to my to do list. Adios.

Learning to Make Lefse: Part 2

As promised, I had some family members take some pictures!

So we had to add flour to the potato dough:

Then we had to roll it into balls and then roll it out:


Next we baked/grilled!
 
 

They had to be cooked individually, but the finished product was cooled and put into zip lock bags.


There were of course, some shenanigans in the kitchen during the process:

Selfie!

With Grandma <3

Someone decided to put flour on my face. I have to admit, it was amusing. So I retaliated and put some on my mom's face.

 

 

And that was basically, my whole Saturday. What kind of shenanigans do you get up to while cooking or baking?

 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose<3

Learning to Make Lefse: Part 1

So, before I begin, I should start by catching you all up on the week. So, Keegan had his birthday party with all his friends on Wednesday at Pump It Up. Well, he decided that he wanted both little AND big Nathan to be there. So NH (aka Big Nathan) was there, with Gluten free cupcakes for some of K-2 (aka Keegan)'s friends that are gluten intolerant. So that was fun.

Today, my G'pa and G'ma Oregon came down from, you guessed it, Oregon. They came to both give Keegan a gift and teach both my mom and me how to make Lefse, a Norwegian bread. It's a potato bread instead of corn I guess and it's supposed to be a lot like a tortilla or flat bread. Well, anyways, today was a lot more prep for mixing and rolling out the dough. So we boiled the potatoes, peeled them, added a few other ingredients, and then it got fun. See apparently, the mixing is something you do by hand. Which means I got to stick my hands into this really goopy potato mix. It was essentially mash potatoes at that point, but I got to play with it! I wish I had taken some pictures, or at least had someone else take some pictures. I think tomorrow I will. Anyways, the mix has to be refrigerated all night, so I get to continue this tomorrow! I'll definitely have some pictures of the results at least, though I hope to have some of the rest of the process.

Other news of the day: I had a math test that I'm pretty sure I failed. Also, apparently, The Book Thief, a movie I've been waiting for since mid September, isn't coming to my area until November 15th, which sucks!! I got the book for my birthday after seeing a preview for the movie and going, "Oh, hey! That looks interesting!" So I read the book within the week of getting it (I'm a fast reader) as well as 5 other books I received. I absolutely loved the book. I really liked both the narrator and the fact that the story was not entirely chronological. It forced me to go back and re-read to try and figure out what I was missing and it definitely captured my attention. But anyways, the movie is being released today. I can't wait for it to start showing around here. Seriously. So excited.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot, but also on Wednesday, the dean of students (I think) and two coast guard members came to visit my anthropology class, as well as I guess the mayor? It made for a very interesting day. I guess they were having some sort of veteran's ceremony in the main quad since the campus will be closed on the actual Veteran's Day. I don't know. I couldn't stay for it, unfortunately. With Keegan's thing going on and me being a driver, I had o get home so I could shower and change into Kindergartener appropriate clothing. Meaning something that could survive wear and tear.

Anywho, how was your week? For those of you that know a lot about the culture you came from, do you have a favorite dish that your family likes to make? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

It's November!

Well, I feel pampered. Let's face it, as nerdy as I am, I'm also pretty girly. Friday, the first day of November, was my little brother's birthday, but before we all went to dinner, my grandma and I kind of had our own little day. We went and got mani-pedis. Which was truly relaxing ad a nice break from the craziness of classes and everything else. Keegan was excited for his birthday and being able to go to Bennihana's. I have to admit, I'm super glad he chose there: a) because normally he chooses the Fish Market :P and b) we almost never get to go out to Bennihana's because of the price, but their fried rice is one of my favorite things. Anyways, Keegan's birthday was a big success in the eyes of the little one. He had a super fun star-wars themed, well, everything including cake and gifts.

But back to being pampered. I had my hair done on Saturday because while the blonde and brown thing was nice for the summer, I needed something new for fall and winter.

Yeah! I got bangs! And it's a little darker than my natural hair color, but I really like it. Sorry about the quality by the way. It's from my ipod cause setting up my DSLR for a selfie seemed a little...extreme. Though, I do get some very nice quality selfies from that camera. Also the lighting in my room really stinks despite my best efforts. (I.e. the lanterns in the background that string around my whole room and other various lamps).
Anyways, after I got my hair all cut and stuff, I got to go shopping for some desperately needed jeans. It's getting cold! And I got rid of a lot of my jeans over the summer to make room for shorts. Whoops. But I now have jeans that I don't absolutely hate trying to pull myself into in the morning. Hooray!

Anywho, Saturday was spent pretty much just doing that. By the time my mom and I left the mall, we were both pretty thoroughly exhausted. Yes, I go shopping with my mom. She's my fashion advice expert.

Sunday, I headed out with Lauren to a Homestuck DS/Kigu/PJ meet-up. Which was a little bit better than Rocky Horror in the sense that I felt a little more welcomed by this crowd even though it was mostly the same people. I also found out that Rhea thought I was someone else when she saw me at school the past few weeks. The conversation as Lauren and I were leaving went something like this:

Me: So I guess I'll see you at school, Rhea?
Rhea: Wait, we go to the same school?
Me: Yeah....? I've said hi to you a couple times...
Rhea: Ohhhh!! You have a similar face to someone else I know, and I thought they were the one all of a sudden talking to me. That makes sense now.

Yeah. Fun times. Anyways, school today was just pretty much normal, although tomorrow I have my first midterm. But I won't bore you with the details of classes. Cause we really didn't do anything exciting today.

Okay, well, I have to go do some homework and studying before I go to college group, so with that, I bid you adieu!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

A Speech I Once Heard

Happy Halloween everyone!

Now that I've said that, on to the real focus of this post. I was reminded today of a speech that was given at my high school.

Now I went to a Christian school and so quite typically, on chapel days, a band would play worship music before some pastor or presenter came up. But this time it  different. We were all dismissed from our classes to head to the theater. As we came in, there was silence from the stage.  The red main curtain closed. No music was being played. There was no spiritual life teacher waiting to introduce the guest. No student ready to say their pastor was there to talk. When we had al been seated, a man dressed in simply a simple suit walked on stage. His appearance slightly disheveled, but not unprofessional. As he walked on we quieted waiting to hear what he had to say.

He began with a story. A story about walking in a city on one side of the street avoiding the people on the other side. Ignoring the homeless, the insane, the altogether strange. But then he asked, what would we learn if we walked on the other side. If we stopped to talk to the people. An he gave examples, always in a story, beginning with a man. A man who painted what he saw, but wasn't very good at it. But little did we know, the man saw halos of color around objects. He was really excellent, but nobody quite knew it. The man was Van Gogh.

And the speaker continued to talk Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Again in a story. He spoke with such a passion. His voice echoed through the quiet theater. No one dared to make a sound, not even a whisper during his entrancing talk. He told his own story too. And then, he said he would not give his name because it was unimportant to his point. And then, he walked off the stage.

The spiritual life director came on very quietly, though every footstep was heard, we were all so shocked by the passionate man we had heard speak moments ago. The director quietly told us we were dismissed to brunch. And that was it. There were no special effects, no slide shows, nothing. No music, no introduction. And yet. It is the speech I remember the most. To this day, I have no idea who he was.

I wish I could send a thank you note find a video to share with other people I know, but at the same time, it would not be as powerful if I knew.

If you recognize this speech at all (whether you have heard him speak before) or you are that man, comment below about it. Have a great Halloween everyone.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

In Memorium

I haven't blogged in about a week and a half. And it wasn't for lack of things to say.

A friend of mine committed suicide at age 16 last Monday. And honestly, nothing feels like it could ever be the same. He was hit by a train. Today was his Memorial Service. I didn't want to blog about this until I knew more. And I didn't want to blog about anything else until I talked about this.

Walker was amazing. At his memorial, his father said of him, "He taught himself to read at age four. He then read every book in the house. One day I came home and he was holding a book upside down. I told him, 'You looking at it upside down'. He responded, 'No I already read it the right way, not I want to read it this way'". That's the kind of kid he was. He was brilliant. But he was also amazingly artistic. He had a love and fascination for music. I remember this one time, he was so excited. He came into Spanish class and was telling me how the door behind the theater squeaked at just the right pitch and note that he could tune himself to the door for the song. He told me that every day for a week. I didn't have the heart to tell him he'd mentioned it already. He was too excited. But it wasn't just the people who knew him somewhat well who were touched by him. He met my cousin backstage once. Literally, once. When I told her that a friend had passed, she didn't ask who, she just held me. When I mentioned his name offhand, she immediately knew exactly who I was talking about and was saddened. "It was Walker?" She asked. "Oh no! He was so sweet!" After random meeting. Others have said of him, he was able to capture everyone's hearts.

And then there were the spoons. He gave people spoons, just because. Often with faces on them. I wish I'd kept mine though it had no face. Because I know now, I won't get a spoon from him again. Unless he gives them out in heaven. Which honestly, would not surprise me if he did. I can see him now, passing them out to the angels with the biggest grin on his face.

And man did he annoy me sometimes. He was so innocent about it too. He was the kind of person that wanted to be where the people were. So he'd forget that he wasn't allowed in the sound booth. And we'd constantly have o remind him to get out of the sound booth. I'm going to miss that. When I met him four years ago, I don't know that I could have ever known the kind of impact he would have on my life.

I just keep picturing him turning to me and saying, "I'm okay now. Don't worry about me." I wish I could have said goodbye. I wish I could have had one last real conversation with him. But now I guess I'll just have to wait until it's my turn to get to heaven.

For someone my age, I've been to too many funerals and memorials. I don't like it. Not one bit. I know death is inevitable, but this was too early for him. I wish there were a way I could go back in time and do something. Anything. But I can't.

So Walker, I'm so sorry that you're gone, but I hope to see you again someday.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Forgiveness

NOTE: For all of the cosplayers that are looking for photos I took from the NorCal Gathering, I'll be posting them on my 500px page soon. The link is in the sidebar, check it out. The pics should be up by Tuesday.

And now, onto the actual post.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. I know I seem to talk about this topic a lot, but it's true. Forgiveness is powerful. You may be asking, what is prompting this post? Well, I spoke with someone who I once considered a friend today, and in theory, would like to call them a friend again. We haven't spoken in almost two years because of a huge fight that we had. Things were said and done that can't be taken back. But over the summer, I sent him an email telling him I forgave him. Which was true. I had at that point. Apparently, he never got it. And so he emailed me earlier this week asking to talk and I agreed. So we've been talking this week about various things, when he asked why I forgave him. Even now, I don't know that I can really explain it in the right way, but the important part was that I did and that my anger had totally subsided (as had his). I attempted an explanation, but he still couldn't quite get it. And I realized just how powerful it is. But what I realized is that you have to be able to forgive yourself for both the big and little mistakes to be able to understand why someone else would do it. Maybe that's not always true. But it seems to happen that way a lot in situations I've been in.

I guess that's all.

Hope y'all are having a great weekend!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Rocky Horror

So yesterday, I was invited to go see Rocky Horror at Psycho Donuts in San Jose. At first, I was hesitant to go, especially as a "virgin" to seeing it in theaters. But, I had to drop Lauren off and was taking cosplay pictures for her (she was meeting a Homestuck group).  Since I already had to pay for parking that night, I figured, why the heck not, and decided to stay for the movie. We arrived way too early in order to grab dinner at Pizza My Heart down the street and take pictures while there was still some light. Lauren's friend Raz joined us around 5:30 ish and we all chilled outside the Psycho Donuts. But it got really creepy, really quickly. All of a sudden, three guys came up and started chatting us up, which was fine, except that at least two of them were clearly high on something. Lauren and Raz are both gay, so the most attention they got was asking questions about why they were gay, which they were pretty much chill about answering, though they were still just as creeped out by the fact that the three guys wouldn't leave. I on the other hand, answered honestly that I was not. I feel like I should've lied though. Clearly these men were trying to flirt, or something, but none of us were interested at all. At one point, one of the guys (who was still slightly coherent) asked me if I smoked or drank. I answered very honestly that no, I am a Christian and it goes against my morals to do so especially under the age of 21. He being the only one who seemed to understand that none of us were interested, replied, "I respect that, I'll leave you alone now" and walked away. One down, two to go. But these guys would not let up. They were asking about random things like our favorite colors and would we dye our hair crazy colors. I ended up being called "Turquoise" because of this. These guys were suave, certainly in their comments, but still, none of us were interested at all. Finally, more of the cosplayers that Lauren was meeting showed up and we were able to escape the remaining two. We walked inside the Psycho Donuts and stayed there til we knew they had left. Eventually, the whole group walked to a Safeway where I happened to notice that one of the two that wouldn't quit was being escorted out by security. When we made it outside, the security guard was just coming back and commented, "We get tired of being threatened sometimes". And that just made Lauren and I even more wigged out by these guys. It made me happy that I was there with a group of people, cause I honestly don't know what I'd have done had I been by myself.

Back to Rocky though!

After another hour or so, much more people arrived. Including a Brony group! I had been basically dragged along for the most part on this trip and so didn't know anyone in the Homestuck group. And because I don't read Homestuck, I didn't have anything in common with these folks. I did, however, bond with the Bronies. Because I actually follow that fandom, I could relate a bit more to that group. I actually ended up sitting with them instead of the Homestuck group for the movie. Shoutout to Craig who apparently for Fanime goes as Dr. Whooves. In other words, 10th Doctor, but with a cutie mark on his trench coat, and ears and a tail. Best pony. No questions asked. Thanks for being more relatable with an awesome pony doctor shirt!

I hope all you had a less creepy Saturday than I did. Seriously.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

I'm a Nerd

So, I'm gonna make this short guys, cause I have homework and stuffs to do and a lot on my plate.

So today in Philosophy, we talked about Plato's Republic and this question he brought up involving human nature and what-not. Now for those of you that are philosophers, this is gonna make like way more sense to you and you'll probably be a lot more familiar with Plato than I am. So the question posed was this: "If you had a ring that gave you the power to become invisible, what would you do with that power?" Now, to me, that sounds a heck of a lot like Lord of the Rings. Cause I'm a nerd. So we were told to write anonymous responses on a sheet of paper so the professor could read them off. Mine was best. I said,

"One ring to rule them all? Throw it in the fires of Mount Doom! Or give it to Frodo".

Now, I wasn't sure how many other nerds were in the class, so I added a more serious answer afterwards. But mine was the first nerdy one that was read aloud. There was much laughter. It actually made my day super bright. Especially when the group of people sitting behind me kept quoting it and chuckling. Math was even tolerable today because of it! Yep. How I'm judging my days at this point. But yeah, I'm a nerd. An anonymous nerd, but a nerd nonetheless.

On a completely different note: Guess what!!
I just started a 500px account! And it has pictures I've taken! So, I'm gonna add some links in this post, then add the link to my sidebar. But check it folks:
http://500px.com/micaelairene

Yeah, check that out, cause a lot of it you guys won't have seen since it's my portfolio stuff.

And with that, I bid you adieu (so I can go to do that homework and stuff)

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Ren Faire!

I love the Renaissance Faire. I try to go every year. This year was special though. I got the chance to take my cousin, Lauren, for her first time (to this specific one). The NorCalRenFaire is one of my favorite places. Yeah it's hot and dusty, but the people are all so friendly. We met this one guy dresses as a hobbit. Don't know why! But we met him. His name was "Trip Bramblebottom" and we discovered, he has access to facebook from the shire! That's right folks! https://www.facebook.com/TripBramblebottom/timeline Check it out. It's pretty awesome.

Anywho, a bit later, Lauren and I ran into a "gossip rag writer" who was clearly a ren faire employee. We had a chance to tell her about Trip and the fact that he gave us buttons. Legit buttons, for luck of course. She mentioned she thought she had met fair hobbit and received a button as well, but hers was in one of the many pouches she was carrying. I on the other hand was lacking in pouches and so stored mine in what she brilliantly called "God's Pockets". I'll let you try and figure that one out. But indeed, in one of God's Pockets, my button was stored until I bought a pouch to hold both money and the button later. Conveniently, said pouch fits quite nicely between God's Pockets while wearing a corset.

Later, Lauren and I just decided to go to the Outlet Mall since I'd never been there. We didn't buy anything, but we almost did! It was quite amusing. Especially when trying to get there, we got lost. Because SOMEONE *cough* Lauren *cough cough* told me to go right when I needed to go left. Mhm. Never trusting her directions again.

Ooh! I forgot to mention. We decided next year to go as gypsies cause it's a heck of a lot less hot when you have clothes that breathe. So I got a hip scarf and a head piece to wear for next year.

But yeah! That was my day at the Ren Faire! Anyways, I should get going at this point, but I promise to blog again soon!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

College and Sickness

Well, I would have posted about my first day on my actual first day, except that I got sick. I still went to class and all, but afterwards, I was exhausted. I mean it was just...ugh. I had what was most likely an allergy related cough, but it was very draining.

Anyways, yesterday was my second day of classes, but the first day that I had all five. Now I should explain that most people only take three a quarter. And as I mentioned previously, I have 5.

• Philosophy: Knowledge and Reality
• This one is interesting because at first, I wasn't sure how much I liked the class, but now that we're actually doing something, I really enjoy it.
• Also, I have this one Monday through Thursday at 9:30
• Physical Anthropology
• I have this one right after philosophy the same days as philosophy. I actually met my professor while looking for the book for her class. She seems very sweet. I think I'll enjoy her class.
• Finite Math
• Ugh. This is my least favorite. I was actually excited about Math, I'm not going to lie. And then, he started talking. I swear he sounds exactly like Dr. Nefario from Despicable Me. I kid you not. Except he's even more monotone. It's awful. Also, we're required to take notes. As in he evaluates our notes at the end of the quarter. I'm so bored by the class. I have no need to take notes either. The only thing we've talked about is making graphs. Something I learned how to do in 5th grade. And the worst part. I have this Monday through Friday. It's the only class I have on Fridays!!! WHY THIS ONE???
• Public Speaking
• This one should be fun. The teacher reminds me of my Pest & Civ teacher from high school. This guy tells stories and makes statements dripping with sarcasm. Everything he says is blunt, almost to a point of rudeness. But his tangents are fascinating and hilarious. One of his quotes from class, "You all know the phrase 'There's No Such Thing as a Stupid Question'? Yeah well whoever said that was a moron". He was explaining at the time that he just won't answer a question if h thinks it's stupid.
• Social Dance I
• The last one. So her class is actually a combination of social dances I, II, and III. I'm still not sure about this one, especially since there's no one really there my age. But I'm meeting some nice people. There's one really old Asian guy who was super good at cha cha, so I asked if he was in social dance III. He said, "You could say that". Apparently, he's been dancing for 14 years and takes this class to keep his skills sharp. It was really nice to dance with someone experienced in a class of people who really have no idea. No offense to the newbies or anything. Y'all are doing really well too.

I'm still recovering from this awful cough, so I won't be saying much this week, but stay tuned and I'll keep you posted on college stuff soon. For now though, I'm going to sign off and maybe get some tea.

With love,
PolarBearMoose 3

Earrings and Allergies

Allergies suck. Most people are really lucky to only be allergic to pollen or dust or pet dander, but usually nothing else. And then there are people with crazy food allergies. Not having one, I can't say much about it, but for those of you who do, I am truly sorry for you. And then you get these random ones that people who don't have it or know anyone with it are shocked to hear it's even possible. Such as mine. Nickel. Yes folks, it is possible. See for some people, this isn't a problem. In fact a lot of people don't even have that severe a version of this. Specifically when talking about jewelry. Now for guys this really won't apply, so read on if you want, but just don't expect it to be super relatable. Girls, do you know how hard it is to find 100% hypoallergenic earrings? Probably not, unless you have this allergy. See they make earrings in multiple alloys and metals including but not limited to: Gold, Silver, Stainless Steel, etc. Guess what? People allergic to nickel can't wear those! Even if the stainless steel or the silver packaging says it's hypoallergenic, it's not. In fact, it's likely coated with something to make it that way, but soon you'll find it irritates your ears. There are two types of metals that I can wear in earrings. Two. Titanium and Niobium. Niobium, forget it. You'll never ever find it in a department store. Just give up now. For titanium, it's not much better. You'll find that stores either don't have them, or only have the starter pairs, the ones you first get your ears pierced with. It's unfortunate really.

On a side note, guess who got their ears pierced today? This girl! But...I have to go in tomorrow to et them switched cause I guess they're too big. Hence the rant. I could barely find smaller ones :P

Anyways, for those of you with any kind of allergy, I really do feel for you.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

To the Guys

I said I would do this a while ago, but I decided to wait until the last of my Lunch Bunch guys had left - or at least until the last time I saw them. Tonight, or I suppose last night since today is now the 15th, I went to my friend GI's place to play some games before he leaves for college on Tuesday. I was proud of myself for holding myself together while in front of him and his dad. But as soon as I knew they couldn't see or hear me, I have to admit, I broke down. I said in an earlier post that I would blog a general letter to them and so that's what I'm doing now. Because while I'm sure y'all would prefer if I just said it to you in person, or gave you a hand written note, I have to admit I have a very selfish reason for doing it this way. So, here I go:

Dear Lunch Bunch Guys,

I told the whole school, very emotionally, back in December about what you had done for me. And while that was an important step for me, I didn't address you specifically because I had a different message I was trying to get across. My words were not aimed specifically to you. And that's what I want to do now.

I have known you all now for roughly 2 and a half life-altering years. And in that time, I have come to consider you some of my best friends, and I don't name you that lightly. More than friends though, you have become my brothers. And boy have you taken that role to heart. Because you all have truly known me at both my best and my worst, and not many people can say they have. You are some of the few people I have ever felt I could be completely open with. And you have done so much for me when I never expected it.

MH, you brought me into the group by a simple gesture, and while I'm sure that was just meant to be a simple kindness, you did so much more for me than I'm sure you could have possibly imagined. And later, when I needed a hug or a friend to confide in, you were and are always there for me.

IN, you were quiet like me, yes, but when you had something to say, it was always like a boss. I can't imagine a better person to have had as a Student Store partner either. By the end of Senior year, we had our routine down. We were awesome. You were awesome.

RP, you brought so much life to the group. The dynamic of the group just couldn't work without you. To me it seems everything is too quiet without you. Nuff said.

RD, what would the Lunch Bunch have been without the stories of Sherlock Holmes and Utah? I tease. You taught me a lot of things about life just by telling some of your stories.

BV, I find myself always wanting to quote or reference your mannerisms at home and with other friends, until I realize I'm the only one that gets the joke.

And finally, GI. You were always the first to tease me. But in a way, your teasing made me take a different view of things. You made me think. And there were times when you weren't teasing and you asked me questions that sometimes I didn't want to be asked, because the reality was I needed the questions to be asked. And I found myself being completely honest with every question, despite the fact that I desperately wanted to hide from the truth. You made me be honest with myself. And being honest with you about those kinds of questions is one of the things that made me want to speak in Chapel in the first place.

But there are many more things I have to address today, so don't stop reading yet. There's the matter of my 17th birthday. I told multiple people that I wanted to have my locker decorated because it had never been done before, but I never expected that you all would be the ones to do it. Whether I heard about the details from you or anyone else, I did find out most of the details. Like the fact that you had RP distract me in the morning (even though I was waiting out front on purpose). Or that you had to have Mrs. I find out what locker was mine. And while y'all maybe aren't as sneaky as you thought, I didn't know it was you until later. And it meant a lot to me that someone would do that for me. But when I found out it was you guys, I nearly cried. It meant the world to me. It was honestly, one hundred percent, without a doubt, the best gift I received that year. I even still have the ribbon to put in a scrap book.

Again, y'all think you're so stealthy. I know about the big brother routine with NH at your church. I may not know the specific details, but I do know about it. And I appreciate it. Because I know that the brothers thing isn't one-sided.

There were lots of time that I'll admit, I didn't feel like I belonged in the group. But you always found a way to make me feel I was meant to be there again. Again and again you included me and I knew you cared.

And there was that time we went bowling recently. I found myself smiling the whole day. Not because I was winning (because I wasn't at all), in fact I could have been the lowest scoring person that day. It didn't matter. The reason? Because you were all there. Every single one of you made it for one last hoorah.

There was the Hobbit, which is in my top ten memories by the way, when four of us went to Denny's afterwards. Videogames at four in the morning. The Habbit for Wednesday lunch. Every In-N-Out trip. Star Trek. Spirit week. Tech. The Woodleaf kitchen. All of it. You are in every one of my top ten memories. For good reason too.

When I joined you, I was broken and didn't feel like I had a purpose in life. You changed that. And to be honest, with you going away to college, I don't know that I feel whole anymore. But because of your friendship, I know I'm strong enough to stand tall. I know I'll recover. Because no matter how much things may change, as long as I have you as friends and brothers, I know I'll be okay. I know you will be there for me. And that means everything to me.

So I want to wish you good luck on your endeavors. Good luck in college. In life. In everything. I know I will see you again, so this isn't a goodbye. It's "Until later". You will always be in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

With so much love and compassion,
PolarBearMoose <3

September 11th

Today, I wanted to talk about something a little bigger than just my life. Today is September 11th. It was 12 years ago today that the plane crash changed the world and all life as we knew it ended. Because after that day, life changed for better or for worse. I still remember the day and events that followed. Of course, I was just about to turn 6, so I didn't pay much attention to many of the things going on in the world, but I think I still knew a little bit of what was happening.

I remember I was excited. It was the day before my birthday and it's all I wanted to talk about. My friend from preschool, Meghan, was in my class and I couldn't wait to play with her. We were living in the mobile home park in one of the permanent houses. We had moved over the summer and I had my own room. I had shared a room with my mom before, so I was excited to have my own space. It was a normal day for me. My mom turned on the news and I remember watching it with her and seeing the planes crash, but I remember not really feeling any fear or anxiety. I didn't really know it was happening until it was explained later. We made it to school and Meghan was there with her mom, but Meghan ended up going home. I remember being both jealous and sad. Meghan was one of my only friends and I wanted to play with her. But I was jealous because I was the kid that pretended to be sick just to stay home with my mom. I wanted to have that day with my mom. I don't remember the rest of that day, but that morning is fresh in my mind. I remember in the next week or so we started singing songs in the classroom. I remember even though it was a public school, we sang "God Bless the USA" a lot after that in our first grade class.

It's strange to think about where we were when such major things happen. And it's the kind of thing that isn't easily forgotten. I learned much later that my mom almost did pull me out of school that day. She sat at work and the employees didn't do anything. She said she wished she had stayed home with me.

I think the strangest part for me to remember is not the surrealism of it all, but the fact that it happened in my lifetime. We read in history books about all sorts of different things and maybe it's just me, but I always wonder what it would be live then. But this is something that I was alive for.

I'm curious to know, do you remember where you were? What you felt?

Please keep the families of those who died in your hearts today in honor of their memories.

With love,
PolarBearMoose <3

2nd Wave

So, according to some of my college bound friends, you are a first waver if you left a certain week in August and a second waver is you leave (or start school) in September. It's caught on for most people, but I just can't do it. All I can think about is the Xanth series by Piers Anthony where the second wave is an army of savages that pillages the magical land of Xanth. Yeah. Excuse me while I go be a nerd in my own little corner. Btw, major bonus points to anyone who actually understands what on earth I'm talking about.

On a different note, I went to see The Mortal Instruments with AC a couple days ago and I did post that night, but not about the movie. Having not read the books, I'll admit, I was super confused. But I liked it. Although, I was also extremely happy to see Robert Sheehan from Misfits (which honestly, I don't recommend. It's highly inappropriate, so if you do decide to see it, you were warned). But Robert's character Nathan is one of my favorites from the show, so I was super excited when I realized who it was. Also, for those warehouse fans out there, Mrs. Fredericks was in it!! Which was also exciting to see. So, yeah, I was happy to recognize some folks. Otherwise, I was just creeped out.

And on an entirely different note from that! Yesterday was my boyfriend's birthday as well as my friend RP. For NH, I went with his family to this restaurant called igatti which is an Italian place, but they serve gluten free food, which is why we went. We had a wonderful meal celebrating NH, but his family surprised me by telling the waiting staff that they were celebrating my birthday too since mine is next week and they would be out of town on my birthday. It was really sweet.

Okay, enough tangents.

With that I bid you adieu!

Sincerely,
PolarBearMoose <3

Maturity

Well, I'll admit, this is a new thing for me. Allow me to explain:

My step-dad had picked me up from watching a movie with AC and I mentioned that I felt much of the resentful feelings I have had toward AC seem to be gone (something I had been actively working toward). My words of wisdom (write this one down kids): "Resent is an exhausting emotion. Sitting and letting it happen is worse than actively pursuing a change. Because active pursuit will be better for you in the long run." My step-dad's response to this was, "That is disgustingly mature for you to be able to have those words and actually live by them". His reasoning for that comment is that, "someone in their late teens and earl twenties should have no reason to be able to do that".

So yes folks. Apparently,  I am disgustingly mature. I've never been called that before. But I mean, being raised the way I was meant I had to grow up a lot faster than most kids. Some people in similar situations as mine get stuck. They're holding on to this unrealistic thing and they get dragged kicking and screaming through life instead of influencing their life to what it could be.

One of the best examples of this is probably my dad. He seems stuck where he acts like he's moved on, but he hasn't. He wants to talk to high school students and tell them "It's about choices". He wants to tell kids, that he is the only one in his family that made it through college and that makes him special. He thinks he's "evolved". You know what that means to him? He thinks he's right and everyone who disagrees is wrong. He thinks he's better than everyone else. He claims he isn't and that he's for equality, but he trashes those who do him wrong. He has no sense of forgiveness. He expects the world to change around him without him lifting a finger to help. This may be cliché, but I'm using a quote. Gandhi said be the change you wish to see in the world". My dad thinks he can influence change without changing himself in the process. That is why he is stuck.

And that is something I never want to be. So this is me saying, I will actively pursue and influence change and in the process I will change, hopefully for the better. I'm starting with forgiveness. I'm letting go of the resent and anger. Will I forget? I hope not. Because I want to remember ever person who has shaped me so that I can thank them for making me who I am today. So I can thank them for shaping the person I will become. In regards to AC, I wish her well on her journey of life and I hope we can remain friends for a long time. In regards to my dad, I am sorry for him. Not because of his past or the things that he has gone through, but because he hasn't grown from it. I hope one day he learns forgiveness and I hope one day that maybe I can teach him what it is, but I know I have to wait for him to be ready to learn. One day. I have hope that one day he will be able to embrace his past instead of running from it.

Note: I know that was a lot of tangents and random tidbits, and for that I apologize, but I didn't really know how best to describe my train of thought.

With that, I bid you adieu.

Sincerely,
PolarBearMoose <3

Dear Facebook

*sigh* I'm done Facebook. I'm just done. I want to be able to keep up with what my friends are doing. I want to still be involved in their lives. And Facebook, you've been a great tool for that. But I can't keep this up. As much as I appreciate it, now I'm just sad. Sad to see that my friend RG from high school is friends with BA, someone I met on a college visit and is going to the same college that I will eventually be at, but I can't be there to enjoy the mutuality of the friendship. Sad to see everyone post pictures of their dorms, while I sit in the same place that I'm going to be for the next two years while I take the less expensive road through community college. Sad that some of my best friends are moving on in their lives while I feel stuck. Once college starts, I suspect I'll be taking a hiatus from you to attempt to form new friendships and try to stop feeling jealous toward other friends. I'm beating myself up over this and it needs to stop. Now preferably.

I wish I could be there now. You all are creating your freshman memories now. Memories I won't ever really be able to create. If I could have gone straight there, I would have. I wish that could have been an option.

To my friends who are in college, especially BA and RG, you look like you're having fun. I hope you'll catch me up when I get their, okay girls? I'll be there soon. Just a couple years and I'll be there.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Bandwagon

Okay, I'd like to point out, that while yes, many of my friends are starting college blogs, that is not why I'm doing this. Someone made a comment at one of the recent events I was at that "It seems like everyone is starting a college blog". Now I don't know about the other people that have started one, but I have to say that for a long time, I was on tumblr under a different username. It's true that it was recently that I switched to PolarBearMoose (hence the lack of posts) but this is not my first rodeo. And the only difference between PolarBearMoose and the other blog I was using is that I don't mind if the people I know personally read it. It's frustrating though, because all the posts I have here and on my current tumblr only go back so far. And because I don't actually want the other one to be seen, I can't point to it and show it as some kind of proof. I'm probably being way too defensive about this, but for argument's sake, I won't jump on the bandwagon just to follow the crowd. Not ever.

A side note, since we're talking about blogs, I need a different sign off than the one I have been using because mine feels kind of awkward to add in sometimes. If you have any ideas, please, let me know :)

With that I bid you adieu.

--Polar Bear Moose <3

The Breakfast Club

Well, today was a average Monday. I got up, showered, got myself ready for the day then went to the last day of orientation. We took a quiz and I got my suggested schedule back with the counselor's comments that I "won't have time to dance". Um. Hello? One of the classes I'm taking is ballroom. I just found that to be odd. Anyways though, I have confidence that I can do it. I'm starting anew with classes. There aren't teacher's from my high school gossiping in the teacher's lounge about which students are the trouble makers. I have a fresh start. So, yeah. Anyways. We got out super early, so I got a ride from my new friend J. She and I talked about culture shock and other such things like what Americans eat. Since there's no college group tonight, I figured my night would be pretty dull, with me mainly sitting in bed watching Glee and Warehouse 13 the rest of the evening. But surprise, surprise, ES invited me and a few other people to watch the Breakfast Club and have breakfast for dinner. An in that moment, my evening was saved! ES mentioned that GI would be going and suggested I could get a ride from him. A few minutes later he texted me, offering to give me a ride. I love it when a plan comes together. Anyways, pajamas were recommended so I wore my beat up Hershey's Kisses pj's (because they're the only pair of pajamas I own with pockets). When GI showed up in jeans, I was afraid I'd be the only one, but when we arrived, others were in pj's too. I can say that I officially tried something new too! I am a very picky eater, so I was a little scared when spinach got mixed in with the scrambled eggs, but I have to say, I enjoyed it. Success for me, yippee!! It was great being able to spend the time with friends. Especially AM, since she'll be leaving for college in just a few more days. Gosh I'm gonna miss our mic girl conversations. She's going to go far though. I can tell.

NOTE* You may be wondering why I'm posting about this. Well, let me explain: I refuse to let this blog be a place that is sad and depressing for me and I feel like I've posted a lot about me being sentimental, sad, and nostalgic. Not that any of those are bad, but I need this to be a place that I can come when I am amazingly happy too. So, I'm working on that. *

Anywho, on an entirely different note, do you ever just get a song stuck in your head, but if you start singing it, you know people are going to think you're insane? Yeah, I've have PAINT's "After Ever After" song stuck in my head all day.

And on an even more random note, did you know Robert Downey Jr. can sing? Thanks to NH, for showing me that one.

Okay, I'm going to stop before you get lost in the sea of tangents going through my head.

Adieu to you all.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Game Night

So yesterday, I went to GI's house for dinner and a game night along with AC, ES, RP, and BV.  After sharing a wonderful meal with Mr. and Mrs. I and the rest of the gang, we got down to business: playing 7 Wonders. Now I had never played before, so ES helped me throughout the whole game, which was really nice. The game moved fairly quickly, partial thanks to AC who forced people to move faster by counting down in her impatience. Afterwards, we played one game, we had dessert (store bought angel food cake, sliced strawberries, and cupcakes made by AC's mom). We were going to play another game of 7 Wonders, but because of the time, we decided to play the Great Dalmuti instead. This one they taught me in Mexico, so I was well prepared. Of course, I was the greater peon. Again. ES was the great dalmuti and ordered me to balance a folder on my head. I seriously dislike whoever made that a house rule -_- Nonetheless it was a great night spent with friends.

On a different note, and the real reason I wanted to blog, I've been having one-sided negative feelings towards one of the people at the game night which I don't want, but I'm not sure what to do about. But yesterday, I guess I was feeling less angsty toward her because I invited her to an early birthday party that I'm throwing for myself before all my friends leave. She later contacted me and said she wasn't sure if she'd go (her ex is also coming), but still, I think I did right by inviting her. I didn't think I would, until I saw her yesterday and decided to ask. Maybe it's from bowling with the guys or something else, but I feel more forgiving, which is good, so I'm rolling with it.

And with that note, I need to finish cleaning before people arrive for the party.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Orientation Part 2

Originally, I wasn't planning on having much to say about orientation, but now that I think about it, there is still plenty to say. For example, I made a friend! J (I don't know her last name) is really sweet. We met on the first day because we were both looking for the room. She's at least 10 years older than I, married, and from South Korea, so it's interesting to hear her story. I honestly had no idea what to expect from fellow pupils, especially at a community college. It's interesting to hear where people are from and what they're interested in. For example, a lot of people want to go to a UC, specifically Berkley, which I find fascinating since I would never in my life want to go there (sorry people from Berkley, it's just not in my goal plan). Also, I'm the only one who has already been accepted somewhere and therefore, gets to be a little more laid back about filling requirements. Not that it'll be easy, especially since I'm taking Stats *shudder*. I just don't have to follow the CSU g.e. plan or the IGETC which is nice. At least, I'm pretty sure I don't. Since I'm deferring not applying? Is that how that works? I don't know. I'll figure it out somehow.

On a different note, we had our "first taste of Public Speaking" according to the instructor today. We introduced ourselves with:

NAME
MAJOR
GOAL
INTEREST/HOBBIES

I already had a plan so it was fairly easy. But then, I've had more public speaking opportunities than many high school graduates. Not by much, but I'd say talking to your entire high school for 15 minutes about your testimony is kind of big. Just saying. Plus there's all the theater work so, y'know. It's funny to look back and see how far I've come in just a couple years. Really. Because if I hadn't gone to the high school I went to , or met the people I did, I'd have been scared witless in front of the orientation class today. I'd have had such a hard time, but I didn't. It's just amazing to look and see the progress I've made sometimes.

Anyways, I have more orientation tomorrow, so I should probably be well rested. Who knows, something else might happen tomorrow that I consider blog worthy :)

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3