Hello readers,
Yesterday, I gave a friend of mine, HN, a ride home. This happens a lot and normally, we sing along to my Disney CD's. This time though, we discussed various experiences we'd had with things like prom or dating in high school. And since I was helping him run some errands too by stopping at craft stores and BevMo, the conversation lasted a bit longer than it normally would. What normally happens, when we sing Disney, is we sit and sing one more song before he leaves my car and I drive home. But since yesterday was so different, we sat outside my car, drinking sodas we'd picked up at BevMo and continued talking. I'll leave out the personal bits, but when I have conversations with him, it tends to get deep to a point that some of it, I want to share with others. So without further ado, a summary of the conversation:
We started out by talking about experiences with prom. In high school, he was apparently that guy that everyone loves and anyone who rejected him was shunned by others in his school. He now wishes he had done something about that because it's not something he thinks is okay. He didn't end up going to prom with a few people because he didn't want to lead any of his friends on or give them the wrong impression by doing a big asking, although now he views prom as just another preparation for when people get married, which is a big deal really. There was more than that, but I don't want to over step on how much I say. Then, I told him about some of my prom experiences. Now my school didn't have prom. We called it JSB, or Junior-Senior Banquet. I talked about how I went completely by myself to both Winter Formal and Prom my junior year of high school and why. I told him about some of the people I dated that contributed to these events and even some of the people who I had crushes on. After we had gotten out of the car, he gave me a hug and we sat to talk more. Slight but important tangent, there was this guy named Brad Henning who spoke at my high school once. He talked about a lot of things, but there is one thing in particular that came to mind during my conversation with HN. Brad Henning talks about pretty girls. No, not pretty, beautiful. Beautiful girls tend to be the ones who boys are intimidated by. The ones who people won't ask out because they think she's out of their league, meanwhile, she thinks she's worthless because no one expresses interest. So she lowers her standards and gets labelled as desperate or unworthy. Jokingly, I told HN that my theory was that people didn't express interest because I'm too pretty. So what do I really tell myself? Someday I'll find someone. Right now, I'm not looking. I don't want to look. I'm transferring schools in another year and I refuse to go long distance. What did I used to tell myself? Even after hearing Brad Henning speak? I'm not pretty. I'm not what guys find attractive.
The point of this isn't really about my thoughts about myself though. The point of this comes from encouraging things you hear from friends. Toward the end of my conversation with HN, he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought I was kind of cute in a nerdy platonic way and that a lot of mutual male friends felt the same. I'll admit, I'd been feeling pretty low earlier this week. And that made my day. I've heard it from other people too and haven't believed it. I still don't know if I do. I tell myself I'm not looking because deep down, I still believe that I'm not pretty. Even if other people tell me I am. But it's not true. And it's not true for you either. You are beautiful, because you are an imperfect human. You make mistakes just like everyone else, but if you are reading this, then you have survived every mistake you've made. And you've survived the mistakes of others too. Your mistakes and your flaws, the things that you think no one could or will ever love are some of the things that make you who you are. And you, all of you, are beautiful.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
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