The End of Week 3

Hello Readers,

Okay, so the last time I blogged it was the second day of the quarter. Today is the last day of week 3 an I have to say, so far, so good. I had the first real pieces of homework this week and I actually have been keeping up with it all. As for skipping classes, something I struggled with a lot last quarter,  I have only skipped one and it was because my friend AG had just come back from his month long excursion to Japan. Unfortunately, I'm falling asleep in Astronomy, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be. It's only been about 5 minutes per class which is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the class and I don't miss any of the notes. I'm feeling very optimistic about this quarter. I definitely think I will be able to keep up with everything. I feel organized. Which is nice. Now if I could just get my room that way.

Kosmos decided he really wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he actually paid for me to download it. Now I'm hooked. I like the building part, definitely, but I also really enjoy being able to talk to him over Skype while we build. It's not something we have to be in the same room to do, though we could if we wanted. It's something that I think will help with the distance when I transfer. That and things like Robocraft. I really like that we're getting into the habit of calling each other on Skype even if we don't say anything and we just sit there doing homework. Minus things like hugging, he's there with me no matter where we Skype.

Did I mention in my last post that my child development class requires 12 hours of community service? Well, if you didn't know before, now you do. I finally figured out what I'm doing. I'm volunteering at my little brother's school, but it means I have to go get a TB test and fill out a bunch of paper work. But a lot on the original list wanted long commitments that I couldn't give. This way I can get it out of the way in 3 total days. Versus taking the whole quarter up to take care of this. It means I'll also have more time to get a job and get money for things like food and Fanime. And a car. Oh yeah, ICYMI, I'm saving for a new car cause I'm pretty sure my car is NOT going to last much longer.

I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately and my little brother posted a whole bunch of little notes on my door the other night saying, and I quote, "I <3 wou" and depicting a stick figure of himself with tears saying "sister". It's actually pretty impressive cause he wrote without any help and he's been having trouble with reading and writing, but in this case, he did very well with writing on his own. It made me both very proud and very sad. So I've been staying home a bit more lately instead of going out after school so I can spend some time with him. I think I was looking at the time I have the wrong way. The way I saw things before is that my family would always be there so I could spend as much time out of the house as I wanted, especially since it's the last stretch of time before I transfer. But that's not entirely true. K gets the same amount of time as everyone else and I need to balance a lot better. My mentality has been that it's my last few months to be able to hang out with Stormblades, but I've been ignoring that it's my last few months to spend at home too.

Anyways, I should get back to focusing on class and more homework.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

The Last Three Months

Hey Readers!

It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.

Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.

Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.

Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.

Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.

And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.

And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Mother's Day

Hello Readers!

I realize I'm a day late, but yesterday was Mother's Day so let's talk about that today. First though, happy Mother's Day to all the moms! Now that that's been said, let's continue. My mom loves when we go out to brunch for Mother's Day. Of course, my grandma enjoys it too, but Mother's Day is one of the few days of the year, besides birthdays that we go out to a restaurant to eat. In this case, we went to this mansion turned hotel for brunch. We used to go to the Ramada Inn because they served a Mother's Day brunch, but when they stopped doing that, we had to find a new place. I think we've finally settled on this place though. It seems like in past years this place hasn't really had a whole lot of food options, which is strange because they have a fairly large selection of food. This year though, the food was pretty amazing.

Slight tangent, but I swear it's related. So there was this commercial playing for Mother's Day that I think was supposed to be for Hallmark, but I didn't really pay attention to that part. This family though, a father and daughter, were baking cupcakes and making them look like dirt to put in flower pots with flowers. I thought it was super cute, so I wanted to make some for the moms that are in my life. Especially since they all like flowers. So last week, I rushed out with a friend of mine, E, who was just bored and agreed to go with me. He actually ended up driving too. I needed to get everything early, because Mrs. I's birthday was last and since I had class on the same day, I wanted to bring her the cupcake flower thing a day early. So after rushing like crazy, I made it to the school where she works. I was scared that she'd left early, so I ran around all over the place looking for her when finally, I found her in the copy room. I managed to surprise her with both being there and the cupcake. Apparently though, she had been having a bad day and visiting her had made her day. I'm really glad that I had the chance to get there while she was there. It made my day to see her brighten up. But then I had to hang on to the cupcakes for a few days until I could prep them on Sunday.

So Sunday morning, I woke up to go to church with my mom and grandma. I went into the teen group mainly because I hadn't see them in a while. I found out that two friends of mine, M and his wife T, are moving back to Brazil. M is a year away from getting a Master's degree, but he's moving to help his dad expand the family business. I found out that a goodbye party will probably be held for them in a week or so.

Anyways though, after church, we all went out to brunch. After that we came home and gave gifts to my mom and grandma.

How was your Mother's Day weekend? What did you do to celebrate?

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

PS, I caved and finally made an Instagram. Find me as OriginalPolarBearMoose. I'll add a link to the side bar soon.

Silky Bear

Yesterday, I talked at the end of my post about my Silky Bear and how he isn't doing well.  There are some updates now as to what information I have on his health.

This morning we took him to the vet for an ultrasound. We took him first thing knowing the technician would be dropping by at some point during the day and we would just pick him up once he was done. As luck would have it, the technician was also there first thing in the morning, so it we didn't even have to leave him there. The news we received was not as fortunate.

One of his kidneys is larger than the other, which led the vet to believe that he potentially has renal lymphoma. While potentially this is not actually the problem, it is very likely that it is the case. He also has a growth on his shoulder which means it has infiltrated other parts of his body. We were not given an estimate on how much longer he has. To help him eat and be in less pain, he is taking prednisone and an appetite stimulant, but it will not extend his life. For nearly $2,000, we could extend his life for maybe 2 months with chemo. Is it worth it? Probably not. If we choose to only give him prednisone, he might live a normal life until it stops working. We're told that one day, he'll probably stop eating for a couple days in a row at which time we will have to make a decision: put him down or begin chemo or let him suffer. It is not worth so much to get an extra two months, and letting him suffer is definitely out. So it's just a matter of when.

Silky, who has been given many nicknames in his ten, nearly 11 years of life, has been one of my very best friends, my companion, and my constant since I was eight years old. In the time that he's been with me, this huge part Maine Coon mutt, a walking mutton piece with turkey legs for paws, has been a comfort when I have needed him. My fat boy, who has also been mistaken for a raccoon at night, is probably the gentlest cat you'd ever meet. For quite a few years after his rambunctious kitten hood, he would literally come inside (he was an indoor-outdoor cat until he became ill) to eat and sleep. Then he'd go outside and visit the neighbors who had an outdoor cat and left food on their porch. He'd make his rounds around a circle of about four or five houses, each with food left out, poop, then come inside to repeat the cycle.

We'd call him a lazy oaf, because always during the daytime, we'd see him sleeping in various spots including a napkin basket on top of the fridge. When he woke from his cat naps, he'd be ready to go outside again and would sit on a table by the door, looking out the window, meowing every time someone passed as if to say, "Let me out!" If a mailman was there, or the UPS guy, he'd growl, protecting his family and his turf from outsiders. Sometimes, he would sit on a window sill in the kitchen, watching the birds make a nest in the awning. He'd chatter his familiar hunting call, stick his paws up on the window and try to get at them.

When we recently got a kitten, he was such a trooper. He batted the cat away and avoided him, but never was mean or hurt the new kitten. He always was and is patient with my little brother who is six. Even when my little brother is being a toad and won’t leave him alone, Silky is still the most loving and calm cat.

He’s also not afraid to fight to protect those he loves. One night a few months ago, I was reading to my little brother when I heard hissing from outside. I went to check to make sure it wasn’t one of my cats and to make sure if it was one of mine, they weren’t hurt. I saw Silky in a stare-down with another neighboring cat. Knowing my bunny bear’s temperament, I thought my Silky bear was getting bullied; so I went to try to break up the fight and chase off the other cat. What ended up happening was the other cat ran across the street after he saw me walking toward him and my fatty ran after him!

I'm not ready to let him go yet. I don't know that I'll ever be ready. I knew one day I'd have to say goodbye, but I thought I'd have so much more time. Losing such an important member of my family is difficult. This will not be the first time we have dealt with a loss of a family pet either. There have been four before him who have passed. Oreo was long before we had a backyard, but his brother Mr. Cinnamon who passed when I was ten, was given the first of our backyard burials. Oreo and Mr. C were both my grandma's cats. It would be a year later that my mom lost 18 year old Trucker. And just a couple years ago, we lost 22 year old Furfle. Each, except for Oreo, was given a rose bush in the backyard as a replacement for headstones. Each was wrapped in their favorite blanket, the one that they claimed and always slept on. When Silky's time comes, and I suspect it will, much sooner than I'd like to admit, he'll probably get the napkin basket as well as a blanket. He means the world to me and  I don't want to let him go.

Week 4

It's week four of winter quarter, and there are some things that I've noticed about my teachers....

My English 1A teacher specifically is a really nice guy. When I was sick the first day, he basically said he'd mark that I was there even though I wasn't. Again, super reasonable guy. Super nice. However, it uh doesn't uh seem like uh he's always um prepared. And quite frankly, I'm not sure he has a clue what he's talking about sometime. I'm not trying to be a snob or claiming to be an expert or anything, but when we talked about the meaning of certain photos from the textbook, I'm pretty sure he was making stuff up as he went along. I get interpreting photos and their different element, but when you're talking about the fact that someone took a picture of their kids, chances are, they did not pose the photo. Meaning that while yes, the fact that one kid (the one that looks miserable) is wearing dark clothing while the other one is wearing light clothing makes for an interesting interpretation, it probably wasn't intended and means nothing. He's reading into this stuff way too much. Seriously. Again, super nice guy. Easy class. But holy flying fat cats is it annoying!!

My contemporary literature teacher is super nice too. I have to admit, I was more annoyed with her style of teacher at first. And while she hasn't changed it up a whole lot, I find I'm more okay with this class than the other English class. Sure she asks a ton of open-ended questions that make you wonder exactly what answer she's looking for, but it's still an easy going class. Also, it's small so it's much less intimidating. I've been sitting next to this one guy who sprained his ankle and has been wearing a boot and when we break off into pairs, we end up discussing her teaching style sometimes. The nice part being it's much easier to talk to people and get in the swing of things in this class. Plus, she uses Turnitin, a site I am very familiar with, rather than the catalyst program. Apparently, the other English teacher uses it too, but he hasn't had anything due for Turnitin yet.

Psychology! I actually really like this professor. It's a large class, so I'm even less likely to be one of those people that raises their hand a lot (not that I was one of those people before) but I still really love the class. It's a lot of notes, but I've made some friends in the class (from the first group activity we did) and I've actually known the answer a couple times in class. Super awesome. I think I'm learning a lot in that one. And it's light on homework. There's reading, but that's about it so far. So I'm keeping up in that one.

My history teacher can swear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he drops an F-Bomb like every other sentence. But he's also a very down-to-earth teacher. He's also very entertaining to listen to. We had our first test today and I was pleasantly surprised at the difficulty level. I prepared much more than was probably necessary, but that's also probably a good thing.

And then there's yoga. Rate My Professor had all this stuff about him being relatively creepy, but so far, I haven't noticed anything. It's a very relaxing class. Although it can also be a little boring at times. Last class, I found myself counting the ceiling tiles in the room. There are 196, in case anyone's wondering.

But first quarter is going well. I actually saw two people that I recognized, though I only ended up saying hello to one of them. The other was in a conversation with someone else and going the opposite direction.

On an entirely different note, my cat is sick. His name is Silky and he's part Maine Coon meaning he's supposed to be huge. But he's lost a ton of weight very rapidly. He's not really eating, so we took him to the vet. Last time he had gone from 15lbs to 10lbs. And in the course of about 1-2 weeks he dropped to about 8lbs. The vet tested him for Feline AIDS, but luckily, he tested negative. He's going in for an ultrasound tomorrow, but I'm very worried about him. He's been given an appetite stimulant which seems to be helping him quite a bit. He ate a quarter can of wet food earlier today and is chowing down on another quarter now. I'm really praying he gets better. I've had my silky bear for about 10 years now roughly. He's been such a constant in my life, I can't imagine life without him. I hope I don't have to for another few years. He's the sweetest cat I've ever known. He's always been my Fat Boy. A lazy oaf. Of course, he's not really lazy. He is fiercely loyal though. He used to growl at the UPS guy. He also has defended my mom's fairy garden on numerous occasions from neighbor cats. I'm really worried about him right now, so prayers would be appreciated.

Christmas!!

I love Christmas. It's seriously my favorite holiday. I love the time I get to spend with my family. I love watching my little brother in his excitement. Almost every year, he'll open something and say, "IT'S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED.......What is it?" He's so excited about giving too. He had clear ideas this year on exactly what to give people too. His gift to me? My Little Pony stuff. I'm so proud, he knows me so well! I love his enthusiasm for Christmas.

I'm so blessed to have my family.

Anywho, what was your Christmas like? Fave moment? Let me know!

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Hasty Generalizations

I really hate when people include me in these hasty generalizations of things they're unhappy about. Right now specifically, my mom is doing it. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But see, she really likes things clean. Okay. I can understand that. But it's hard not to hear through paper thin walls that she's upset about when things aren't clean. Again, I get it. She likes things clean. But when she comments about how she's told us (the kids) to do things a certain way, for example pulling open a shower curtain so it doesn't get moldy, hang up the mats and towels, etcetera, and we haven't done it, it's a little frustrating. Because we're too "self-involved". Now I'm mature enough to take responsibility for the things that maybe I could be helping more with, but I'm pretty sure that in regards to the bathroom for example, I've done what she's asked every time. Maybe I forget one of the ten things she's ask occasionally, but not enough to be called self-involved.

What really frustrates me though is that I'm the only one of us (the kids) that seems to care enough to try and step-up a little bit more. The responsibility for compensating for everyone else seems to always fall on me. Which really just isn't cool. I'm sorry if I can't spend every second of every minute of everyday making everyone else around me happy with out going literally insane. Excuse me if every once in a while, I'd actually like to be happy myself. I apologize if I'm too "self-involved" to have done all those things in the bathroom that were asked. Since I am so self-involved, maybe I shouldn't have gone and hung up the coat that fell out of the closet (no fault of my own) because it was lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway. I'm so darned self-involved that volunteered to go out and get a separate dinner for my mom the other day because she was having a break-out in her mouth. I guess that's just me being self-involved.

Sorry for the rant guys. I'm just feeling a little frustrated at the moment.

Hope you're having an okay Monday.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 2

Riiiiight. So neither the girlfriend, nor the mother came. Le sigh. Not like it makes a difference to me or anything, because hey, it means the day was significantly less awkward. Except that I had mentally prepared myself for it. So the mother had already flown back to Kansas. So she was never coming. But then the girlfriend apparently got sick. Apparently. And so she cancelled very last minute. Honestly, I think this girl is frightened by me. Which I suppose makes sense since we're practically the same dang age. But it's not like I'm gonna go all legally blonde on her. I mean so what that we're only six years apart? So what that my dad could practically be her father based on the age difference? I'm not judging. Am I weirded out? A little, but whatevs. It's all good.

Anywho, guess who saw catching fire yesterday? This girl! Guess who saw Thor 2 (finally) today? This girl!  I have I say I was very impressed by Catching Fire. I liked the way they did the arena. Now of course, movies are almost never as good as the book, and I'm not saying it was. But I really liked the way it was done. I really liked the scoring too. When I heard the Xtina song for the soundtrack, I was dreading it. I was like oh noes. How they gonna pull that one off? But the scoring was fantastic. Anywho, I recommend seeing it. Any issues that I had with this one were the same as the first one. And half my issues with the first one were almost resolved in this one. We'll see what happens in the next one though. 

And then there's Thor. Oh marvel. Now, I will admit this one was far better than the first Thor movie. Say what you want about how great you may have thought the first one was, but a two day turn around is ridiculous and quite frankly the most unrealistic piece of the storyline. Assuming that every other fantasy premise were true, that two day romance would still be the most ridiculous thing in hat movie. And I will hold to my thought that 30 seconds of video montage would have made that movie 10 times better. 30 seconds to show them building a romance. SO FRUSTRATING. Anywho, the second one. So as I was saying, it was better than the first. And that doesn't happen much in sequels. It seemed a tad busy at times, but it kept me on the edge of my seat. Some of the bits with Loki were a but predictable, but then some weren't. It's a toss up. I liked it though. Next on my to watch list? The Book Thief. I'll have to review it once I see it. 

I have a ton of stuff to do now, so I'll have to update with a part 3, but for now, I'll bid you adieu. 

With love, 

PolarBearMoose <3

Thanksgiving Week: Part 1

There are a few things going on this week that I want to talk about, and I'm probably going to make a few posts about it, so bare with me this week and we can all get through it.

For starters, quite a few alumni, specifically friends from my grade, have come home for the week, or at least part of the week. And I must say, I have been excited for this week to come since the day everyone left. I had nothing specific in mind of what I wanted to happen this week. It's not like I planned every second of every day and what kinds of shenanigans I could get into this week. I was honestly just excited to see everyone. But now that so many people are home, the excitement is gone. I've talked with a few people about this and they definitely helped me figure out the mess of emotions that I'm feeling. And I've realized, that before they came home, I had been feeling like I only had to hold everything together until people were home, then everything would all of a sudden be better. All of a sudden, I wouldn't feel so broken. I wouldn't need to hold myself together, because I'd be totally fine. And now that they're home, I still feel broken. That part hasn't changed. And I'm angry with myself for breaking down now. I mean, I'm glad that the people that I'm breaking down around are so supportive of me. But at the same time, I look at things like Facebook and everyone seems to be happy in college as though they're totally fine and moving on easily. Sometimes I see that and think I'm the only one struggling. After talking with my friend Travis, I know I'm not the only one, but I still feel like I have to put on a brave face and pretend everything's okay.

But that's just a piece of this week for me.

The other major part is Thanksgiving Day. Years ago, when Keegan was born, I made a trade-off. I knew I wanted to spend Christmas with him and watch him grow up. In order to spend Christmas with him though, it meant that I had to give a holiday to my dad. Specifically Thanksgiving. I figured, hey, it's really only one day. It doesn't make a huge difference or anything. If it were up to me, I'd spend every holiday with my mom. But this Thanksgiving, we'll be joined by my dad's girlfriend and her mother. not that I dislike his girlfriend, but it's a little awkward for me. Especially since she's 24. So that's part two.

I'll have to let y'all know how the week continues, but this is just kind of a piece of the week. Hopefully, y'all are all having a better week.

So I'll bid you adieu for now.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

To the Guys

I said I would do this a while ago, but I decided to wait until the last of my Lunch Bunch guys had left - or at least until the last time I saw them. Tonight, or I suppose last night since today is now the 15th, I went to my friend GI's place to play some games before he leaves for college on Tuesday. I was proud of myself for holding myself together while in front of him and his dad. But as soon as I knew they couldn't see or hear me, I have to admit, I broke down. I said in an earlier post that I would blog a general letter to them and so that's what I'm doing now. Because while I'm sure y'all would prefer if I just said it to you in person, or gave you a hand written note, I have to admit I have a very selfish reason for doing it this way. So, here I go:

Dear Lunch Bunch Guys,

I told the whole school, very emotionally, back in December about what you had done for me. And while that was an important step for me, I didn't address you specifically because I had a different message I was trying to get across. My words were not aimed specifically to you. And that's what I want to do now.

I have known you all now for roughly 2 and a half life-altering years. And in that time, I have come to consider you some of my best friends, and I don't name you that lightly. More than friends though, you have become my brothers. And boy have you taken that role to heart. Because you all have truly known me at both my best and my worst, and not many people can say they have. You are some of the few people I have ever felt I could be completely open with. And you have done so much for me when I never expected it.

MH, you brought me into the group by a simple gesture, and while I'm sure that was just meant to be a simple kindness, you did so much more for me than I'm sure you could have possibly imagined. And later, when I needed a hug or a friend to confide in, you were and are always there for me.

IN, you were quiet like me, yes, but when you had something to say, it was always like a boss. I can't imagine a better person to have had as a Student Store partner either. By the end of Senior year, we had our routine down. We were awesome. You were awesome.

RP, you brought so much life to the group. The dynamic of the group just couldn't work without you. To me it seems everything is too quiet without you. Nuff said.

RD, what would the Lunch Bunch have been without the stories of Sherlock Holmes and Utah? I tease. You taught me a lot of things about life just by telling some of your stories.

BV, I find myself always wanting to quote or reference your mannerisms at home and with other friends, until I realize I'm the only one that gets the joke.

And finally, GI. You were always the first to tease me. But in a way, your teasing made me take a different view of things. You made me think. And there were times when you weren't teasing and you asked me questions that sometimes I didn't want to be asked, because the reality was I needed the questions to be asked. And I found myself being completely honest with every question, despite the fact that I desperately wanted to hide from the truth. You made me be honest with myself. And being honest with you about those kinds of questions is one of the things that made me want to speak in Chapel in the first place.

But there are many more things I have to address today, so don't stop reading yet. There's the matter of my 17th birthday. I told multiple people that I wanted to have my locker decorated because it had never been done before, but I never expected that you all would be the ones to do it. Whether I heard about the details from you or anyone else, I did find out most of the details. Like the fact that you had RP distract me in the morning (even though I was waiting out front on purpose). Or that you had to have Mrs. I find out what locker was mine. And while y'all maybe aren't as sneaky as you thought, I didn't know it was you until later. And it meant a lot to me that someone would do that for me. But when I found out it was you guys, I nearly cried. It meant the world to me. It was honestly, one hundred percent, without a doubt, the best gift I received that year. I even still have the ribbon to put in a scrap book.

Again, y'all think you're so stealthy. I know about the big brother routine with NH at your church. I may not know the specific details, but I do know about it. And I appreciate it. Because I know that the brothers thing isn't one-sided.

There were lots of time that I'll admit, I didn't feel like I belonged in the group. But you always found a way to make me feel I was meant to be there again. Again and again you included me and I knew you cared.

And there was that time we went bowling recently. I found myself smiling the whole day. Not because I was winning (because I wasn't at all), in fact I could have been the lowest scoring person that day. It didn't matter. The reason? Because you were all there. Every single one of you made it for one last hoorah.

There was the Hobbit, which is in my top ten memories by the way, when four of us went to Denny's afterwards. Videogames at four in the morning. The Habbit for Wednesday lunch. Every In-N-Out trip. Star Trek. Spirit week. Tech. The Woodleaf kitchen. All of it. You are in every one of my top ten memories. For good reason too.

When I joined you, I was broken and didn't feel like I had a purpose in life. You changed that. And to be honest, with you going away to college, I don't know that I feel whole anymore. But because of your friendship, I know I'm strong enough to stand tall. I know I'll recover. Because no matter how much things may change, as long as I have you as friends and brothers, I know I'll be okay. I know you will be there for me. And that means everything to me.

So I want to wish you good luck on your endeavors. Good luck in college. In life. In everything. I know I will see you again, so this isn't a goodbye. It's "Until later". You will always be in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

With so much love and compassion,
PolarBearMoose <3