Reprocussions

Hello Readers,

If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.

In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.

Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.

But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.

The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.

Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.

I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3

Healing Journey

Hello Readers,

It's been a while since I posted anything, huh? Time has gotten away from me and I haven't really been home all that much. At this point, I don't really know where to begin to cover it all, so I probably won't be filling in the gap between this post and the last. There's actually something else I wanted to talk about.

When I was fifteen, I dated this guy, we'll call him "R". I had liked him for a while, so I was excited when we started dating. I was fairly inexperienced in all facets of a relationship when we began the relationship. He on the other hand had a large amount of experience, especially in the physical aspect. Unfortunately, he didn't understand my reasoning on why I wanted to wait for marriage in quite a few regards and was incredibly pushy on the subject. Although he claimed to be patient, it was clear to me that he wanted more. In the end, it was the reason I broke up with him. But not before I had already passed my comfort zone by a fair amount. Being a fifteen year old girl in her second relationship ever, I didn't really know how to say no. I don't think I really even understood that I could say no. And so I consented to much more than I'd ever wanted. And I kept all of it inside. I never told a soul about my experience, I was so ashamed of myself for what little I had done. Before I had met this boy, I'd never had a real kiss. And after him, I was one step away from losing my virginity. 

Eventually, after I became a Christian, I did tell one person. Another boy, but someone who had been my friend throughout all the other hard times. Someone I thought I could trust. We'll call him "Blue" for the purpose of this post and because I have tried to remain friends with him despite advise from countless people who I have told this part of my life to. When at first I told Blue, he offered support in the form of hugs and a shoulder to cry on which I appreciated whole-heartedly. But then he began to abuse the information. He started to ask for favors, sexual favors like those I'd had with R. At first, I gave him consent because I felt that my body was worthless anyways since I'd already given away so much. But I began to feel uncomfortable. I relayed to Blue my fears with the continuation of whatever arrangement we had. He continually persuaded that he had no intention of breaking my trust and assured me that our friendship came first. I told him very specifically that I did not want to be used and I didn't want to even come close to that feeling. He reassured me that of course he wouldn't do that and of course he wanted to make sure my comfort came first. But every time we talked, the conversation always turned toward the subject that I was least excited about and our supposed friendship began to revolve solely around that. It came to the point that he refused to look at me in person because he was so insistent on making sure that neither of us were suspected of being more than friends. When I mentioned that I didn't like that feeling, he promised that he would try to not act so cold toward me, but it didn't happen. Eventually, I decided enough was enough. I told myself the next time we talked or hung out in person one-on-one, I'd tell him I was through. Before I could, he called it off through Facebook message. While I was relieved, I wanted to talk to him about why I felt the same, I wanted to reconcile with him about the whole thing. But we haven't talked since. Not in person though we've seen each other countless times in groups and not online. Not at all. 

After both incidents of favors, I regretted every moment. I hated myself. I felt like trash, completely and utterly worthless. And I was torn because I thought I needed both of these people in my life. But I don't. I have realized that with the help of amazing friends. Throughout the past few months at college, especially with the Stormblades, I have come to a place of healing. I have told many of them my experiences in pieces though one or two know all the details from the depression to Blue of my life and have supported me and affirmed me. Which is not to say that my healing rests in their hands. But they certainly have helped me to speed the process of finding peace. 

The other night, I was at a Worship service with my College Youth Group, when mid-way through I realized something amazing. I hadn't realized until that night, but I finally feel whole again. I feel like a human being. And I feel worthy of friendship, of peace, and most importantly, of God's love. For the past two years after becoming a Christian, I accepted the love I felt, but I most certainly didn't feel like I should be receiving any of it. I wondered why I was the recipient of so much of his love when I had such sins on my heart. But I finally feel whole whereas when I converted, I felt so incredibly broken, I didn't think I'd ever be healed. I thought I'd carry my brokenness my whole life with no end in sight, but I haven't been carrying it for weeks. I can't say when I became whole again, but I am so grateful that I am now. I've finally made it to a place that I can type these words without tears. I can finally tell people my story. My whole story with far less break-down than ever before.  And I can finally trust again. I can open myself to people in a way that I never could before. The past two years have held such an amazing healing journey for me and I am so glad that I have reached this place. I won't pretend that there won't be more challenges along the way, but I finally feel strong enough to make it through whatever challenge I may face. I have God and an entire community of support around me.

Sorry for the life-story post after so long of not blogging, but it was something I felt I needed to share. It is something for me worth celebrating and letting go of. Hopefully, I won't go on a hiatus for so long again, though I don't know that I can make any guarantees until summer is over for me. 

With Love,

PolarBearMoose <3