Reprocussions

Hello Readers,

If you haven't already read my post "Healing Journey", you should do so now, because this is a follow up post to that.

In my last post I discussed some very personal issues regarding two different relationships and friendships that really did not work out for the best, but I also discussed being healed. I'd like to follow up on those relationships and where I stand with both Blue and R, for both their sake really.

Let's start with R since that's the easiest one for me to talk about at this point. About a year or so ago, I wrote an email to him that was meant to both say the things that needed to be said but never were in the time when I was far to angry with him. In that email, I apologized for my own mistakes and forgave his, something I had done long before, but never told him. The thing is, that I forgave him for everything a long time ago, but I never really forgave myself. When I thought I had, well, that's when things with Blue started.

But this post is not for R. He and I have long since settled any arguments and have both moved on to a point where I wouldn't call us friends, but we're more than acquaintances at this point.

The truth is, a lot happened after my last post. Too much so to simply update it. Soon after I updated, I told a very close friend, family really, that I had updated my blog finally. Of course, he asked if I would tell him what it was about before he read it. I was hesitant at first because it is still such a sensitive topic and quite frankly, I didn't know how he would react. I saw it going two ways, he could take it relatively well and be supportive, or he could shun me. My fear was the later of the two options. That fear was the reason that I never told my Lunch Bunch about any of my experience. It was the thing that I held in and held back for so long. It was and is the reason that I have ever felt outcast from them even when so close. I was so scared that I'd be shunned from the people I trusted most that I chose to keep it all in. So when I posted my previous post, I knew that there was a potential for my worst fear to come to light. But I also knew that anyone who couldn't accept me while knowing that about me didn't deserve to be my friend, so I hoped for the best. And the best is what I got. The relief that I felt after telling my self-proclaimed brother was immense and somewhat indescribable, though I'll do my best. Where I felt healed before, I felt completely free afterwards. Because I ended up telling him more than just what is in that post. And as soon as I told him, I was free. Because the only thing that Blue could hold over me was the information of what had occurred between he and I. And now, that power is non-existent.

Then, right before the last College Group meeting I would attend for the summer, Blue contacted me on Facebook, finally settling a time for the two of us to discuss things, something I had wanted to do before it came to the post I had made. We discussed after the College Group session had ended the post I made. My brother had talked to him about the post I made and made it clear he needed to talk to me. What people seem to misunderstand when I discuss healing and forgiveness is that I would not be healed had I not already forgiven. So when Blue asked for my forgiveness, it was easy to give, because I already had. The real question for me is whether I was prepared to let him stay in my life. And this is where I falter, not because I allowed him to stay, but because I lost my trust in him. I told him that we could still be friends and it was something I still wanted, but my trust in him was and is not so easily rebuilt. We have a long way to go for anything to go back to the way it was before. It may never go back to that, but hopefully it will. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I shouldn't let so many people stay in my life. We'll find out. Maybe it's a weakness to love and forgive people after all the heartbreak. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details, I would still give up my own happiness for the people around me, whether they've hurt me or not.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is not earned. It can't be, because the things which require such true forgiveness are things that can't be taken back or fixed with words. Forgiveness is difficult because no one truly deserves it. Do they? But we still are able to give it, though it can be hard at times to do so. Sometimes it takes us a while to be able to forgive others. Sometimes, we have to forgive ourselves first. And sometimes it works the other way around and we are the last person we forgive. Sometimes it happens that we decide to take most of the blame upon ourselves and can forgive other more easily than ourselves. For true and complete healing though, it seems to me that both are required. If you're still angry at someone, you're not healed whether that someone is yourself or another.

I'm done with the relevant updates and being philosophical for tonight. I mean with all sincerity that for each of my readers, whether I know you or not, you can find any healing you need. And if you've found it, I am so completely happy for you. I am absolutely thrilled for you, because I have been rooting for you to make it through the things you're going through.

With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3