This post will be short, I promise!
I will be linking my blog to a new blog site called BlogLovin! You can follow me by clicking the link below as well as a bunch of other blogs!
Love,
PolarBearMoose
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Hey Readers,
Wow. Been a while, eh? Y'know, its crazy how quickly time passes. It seems like forever ago that I posted, but these past two years? They've gone by far too fast. It seems like just yesterday that I was taking my Fall 2013 classes. And in the next two months, I'll have finished everything I needed for transferring. My journey through community college will be complete. Crazy.
It's amazing the things you learn about yourself when you least expect it. God does such wonderful things when you least expect them. When I started at community college, I gave myself two years to get my classes done and get out. No distractions. No need to make friends, since I'd only be there 2 years. I wouldn't date because I didn't think I could possibly get to know a person well enough to want a long distance relationship in only two years (or less). I would get my classes done, get A's, and everything would work out and go smoothly. That was my plan. God had some other ideas in mind for me. Almost immediately into my time in college, my world changed forever with the loss of Walker. A loss that I still feel, and I'm sure many others do too. I struggled after that. My straight A ideas turned into A's and B's then a quarter of C's and F's (Thankfully only one of each). My lack of friends at school sunk me into a deep depression and I felt lonely. Then I felt another loss, the loss of my beloved Silky. I still cry, frequently, when I think about my baby boy. I miss his soft fur and many times I wish I could just hold him one more time. And it gets me by surprise. I feel his loss everyday. So much pain, and all of it was just in my first two quarters. I felt anhedonic and emotionless. I didn't laugh, my smile was fake, and I cried myself to sleep after losing him. The first time I laughed, and I mean really laughed, was the day I met the Stormblades. Just when I needed to get back up, God led me right where I needed to be. For whatever reason, I took a chance on them and it worked out beautifully. Two months later, we're hanging out at Fanime together. That summer, we spent camping, hanging out, and having fun with each other. Cut to August, and I'm dating Kosmos whose a part of Stormblades. Sometimes, things don't go as planned, but they turn out beautifully because of it.
It's funny that I thought I wouldn't make lasting friends. After all, the school I chose to transfer to was because I wanted to make friends. I knew before I left high school that friends were the most important thing in my life, why would I cut myself off from making new ones? What was I thinking? To be honest, I thought I'd never find friends who cold mean as much to me as the Lunch Bunch. I know better now. I've never felt so much love from so many people before and it feels incredible.
The work that I've done up to this point makes me feel so much more prepared to finish my journey at Biola, the school I'm transferring to. What felt overwhelming at the beginning of this journey, is now a shining accomplishment and something that I feel incredibly proud of. And now that I'm reaching the end of this journey and preparing to start a new one, I can't help but feel upset to be leaving so many great things behind. Of course they will be here and I fully intend on coming back to visit whenever I can, but that won't make me miss them any less. Kosmos and I can skype. Hopefully, he'll be able to visit me. I also found out my friend, LP, will be transferring in the Fall to a school just an hour away from Biola and hopefully, we'll be able to hang out some weekends. Maybe even do some roleplaying while we're down there. Who knows. But I feel both incredibly sad and incredibly excited to be here, finally, at the beginning of the end.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Hello Readers,
Okay, so the last time I blogged it was the second day of the quarter. Today is the last day of week 3 an I have to say, so far, so good. I had the first real pieces of homework this week and I actually have been keeping up with it all. As for skipping classes, something I struggled with a lot last quarter, I have only skipped one and it was because my friend AG had just come back from his month long excursion to Japan. Unfortunately, I'm falling asleep in Astronomy, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be. It's only been about 5 minutes per class which is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the class and I don't miss any of the notes. I'm feeling very optimistic about this quarter. I definitely think I will be able to keep up with everything. I feel organized. Which is nice. Now if I could just get my room that way.
Kosmos decided he really wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he actually paid for me to download it. Now I'm hooked. I like the building part, definitely, but I also really enjoy being able to talk to him over Skype while we build. It's not something we have to be in the same room to do, though we could if we wanted. It's something that I think will help with the distance when I transfer. That and things like Robocraft. I really like that we're getting into the habit of calling each other on Skype even if we don't say anything and we just sit there doing homework. Minus things like hugging, he's there with me no matter where we Skype.
Did I mention in my last post that my child development class requires 12 hours of community service? Well, if you didn't know before, now you do. I finally figured out what I'm doing. I'm volunteering at my little brother's school, but it means I have to go get a TB test and fill out a bunch of paper work. But a lot on the original list wanted long commitments that I couldn't give. This way I can get it out of the way in 3 total days. Versus taking the whole quarter up to take care of this. It means I'll also have more time to get a job and get money for things like food and Fanime. And a car. Oh yeah, ICYMI, I'm saving for a new car cause I'm pretty sure my car is NOT going to last much longer.
I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately and my little brother posted a whole bunch of little notes on my door the other night saying, and I quote, "I <3 wou" and depicting a stick figure of himself with tears saying "sister". It's actually pretty impressive cause he wrote without any help and he's been having trouble with reading and writing, but in this case, he did very well with writing on his own. It made me both very proud and very sad. So I've been staying home a bit more lately instead of going out after school so I can spend some time with him. I think I was looking at the time I have the wrong way. The way I saw things before is that my family would always be there so I could spend as much time out of the house as I wanted, especially since it's the last stretch of time before I transfer. But that's not entirely true. K gets the same amount of time as everyone else and I need to balance a lot better. My mentality has been that it's my last few months to be able to hang out with Stormblades, but I've been ignoring that it's my last few months to spend at home too.
Anyways, I should get back to focusing on class and more homework.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Okay, so the last time I blogged it was the second day of the quarter. Today is the last day of week 3 an I have to say, so far, so good. I had the first real pieces of homework this week and I actually have been keeping up with it all. As for skipping classes, something I struggled with a lot last quarter, I have only skipped one and it was because my friend AG had just come back from his month long excursion to Japan. Unfortunately, I'm falling asleep in Astronomy, but it's not nearly as bad as it could be. It's only been about 5 minutes per class which is enough to keep me awake for the rest of the class and I don't miss any of the notes. I'm feeling very optimistic about this quarter. I definitely think I will be able to keep up with everything. I feel organized. Which is nice. Now if I could just get my room that way.
Kosmos decided he really wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he actually paid for me to download it. Now I'm hooked. I like the building part, definitely, but I also really enjoy being able to talk to him over Skype while we build. It's not something we have to be in the same room to do, though we could if we wanted. It's something that I think will help with the distance when I transfer. That and things like Robocraft. I really like that we're getting into the habit of calling each other on Skype even if we don't say anything and we just sit there doing homework. Minus things like hugging, he's there with me no matter where we Skype.
Did I mention in my last post that my child development class requires 12 hours of community service? Well, if you didn't know before, now you do. I finally figured out what I'm doing. I'm volunteering at my little brother's school, but it means I have to go get a TB test and fill out a bunch of paper work. But a lot on the original list wanted long commitments that I couldn't give. This way I can get it out of the way in 3 total days. Versus taking the whole quarter up to take care of this. It means I'll also have more time to get a job and get money for things like food and Fanime. And a car. Oh yeah, ICYMI, I'm saving for a new car cause I'm pretty sure my car is NOT going to last much longer.
I've been spending a lot of time out of the house lately and my little brother posted a whole bunch of little notes on my door the other night saying, and I quote, "I <3 wou" and depicting a stick figure of himself with tears saying "sister". It's actually pretty impressive cause he wrote without any help and he's been having trouble with reading and writing, but in this case, he did very well with writing on his own. It made me both very proud and very sad. So I've been staying home a bit more lately instead of going out after school so I can spend some time with him. I think I was looking at the time I have the wrong way. The way I saw things before is that my family would always be there so I could spend as much time out of the house as I wanted, especially since it's the last stretch of time before I transfer. But that's not entirely true. K gets the same amount of time as everyone else and I need to balance a lot better. My mentality has been that it's my last few months to be able to hang out with Stormblades, but I've been ignoring that it's my last few months to spend at home too.
Anyways, I should get back to focusing on class and more homework.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Happy New Year Readers!
For many of you, I'm sure school is about to start, or it will be starting very soon. For myself, today is Day Two, so I figured I'd share my schedule with you.
Monday and Wednesday: Child, Family, and Community Interrelationships is up first, followed by Psychology of Gender. I get an hour for lunch and finish my day with Abnormal Psychology.
Tuesday and Thursday: I start with Intercultural Communications and move on to Psychology of Gender again. Another hour for lunch right before Solar Astronomy.
All total, I'm taking five classes between 9:30 and 3:45 throughout the week.
Last quarter was kind of hellish for me. I had long gaps between classes that made it difficult to stay motivated to stay at school the whole time and I didn't get to see any of my friends during the day. I made new friends, but I missed Stormblades. This quarter, however, my friend EW is in my psychology of gender class. He has no idea what to expect and so he's sitting next to me, staring at his syllabus. Kosmos isn't taking classes this quarter, unless he takes a random. Unfortunately, they didn't keep him at his seasonal job so he won't be able to focus on that job like he had wanted to. However, they're keeping his application in case there's an opening. I've taken this many classes before, but previously when I did, I didn't really have a social life or work life to keep up with. Now I'm not totally sure what to expect for this quarter. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance everything.
Anyways, for now I'm going to focus on class.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
For many of you, I'm sure school is about to start, or it will be starting very soon. For myself, today is Day Two, so I figured I'd share my schedule with you.
Monday and Wednesday: Child, Family, and Community Interrelationships is up first, followed by Psychology of Gender. I get an hour for lunch and finish my day with Abnormal Psychology.
Tuesday and Thursday: I start with Intercultural Communications and move on to Psychology of Gender again. Another hour for lunch right before Solar Astronomy.
All total, I'm taking five classes between 9:30 and 3:45 throughout the week.
Last quarter was kind of hellish for me. I had long gaps between classes that made it difficult to stay motivated to stay at school the whole time and I didn't get to see any of my friends during the day. I made new friends, but I missed Stormblades. This quarter, however, my friend EW is in my psychology of gender class. He has no idea what to expect and so he's sitting next to me, staring at his syllabus. Kosmos isn't taking classes this quarter, unless he takes a random. Unfortunately, they didn't keep him at his seasonal job so he won't be able to focus on that job like he had wanted to. However, they're keeping his application in case there's an opening. I've taken this many classes before, but previously when I did, I didn't really have a social life or work life to keep up with. Now I'm not totally sure what to expect for this quarter. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance everything.
Anyways, for now I'm going to focus on class.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Hey Readers,
In case you didn't know it, I live in NorCal. And right about now, we are facing the largest storm we've had in five years. Now, I know for anyone who has to deal with tornadoes or hurricanes, this storm would be nothing. I already know people who are making fun of the storm the way many of us did when the earthquake hit the East Coast, but let me explain why we're making a huge deal out of all this.
First, we've been facing one of the worst recorded droughts as of lately. That means that there really isn't any water in the soil around here either. At least not as much as there should be. With this kind of heavy rainfall, the ground is going to get over saturated with water. And you might be able to guess, this can lead to landslides. So we might get some landslides which destroy homes and can be fatal.
Second, we got warnings on our phones this morning from WNS about potential flash floods. Hear that? Flooding. And if you don't believe me, take a look at this article from Mother Jones. Those pictures are very real and they show exactly how bad the flooding is. And that's just so far.
Because it's raining, and it's finals week, I am spending my day inside my house working on essays. Kosmos had work until 8 this morning and because of the storm, I had him come crash at my place. I figured while he's sleeping, I'd blog a little and maybe start working. It's not too bad where I live right now, though the wind makes driving less than fun. I don't know about anyone else, but I love the rain. I love the smell, I love the feel, all of it. Though I don't know how I feel about this heavy downpour. But we need it desperately. Plus, for those of us who stay inside during rain, it can cause some of us to actually get things done around the house, and what-not.
Anyways, for those of you taking finals, good luck. And for those of you also dealing with this storm, be safe.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
In case you didn't know it, I live in NorCal. And right about now, we are facing the largest storm we've had in five years. Now, I know for anyone who has to deal with tornadoes or hurricanes, this storm would be nothing. I already know people who are making fun of the storm the way many of us did when the earthquake hit the East Coast, but let me explain why we're making a huge deal out of all this.
First, we've been facing one of the worst recorded droughts as of lately. That means that there really isn't any water in the soil around here either. At least not as much as there should be. With this kind of heavy rainfall, the ground is going to get over saturated with water. And you might be able to guess, this can lead to landslides. So we might get some landslides which destroy homes and can be fatal.
Second, we got warnings on our phones this morning from WNS about potential flash floods. Hear that? Flooding. And if you don't believe me, take a look at this article from Mother Jones. Those pictures are very real and they show exactly how bad the flooding is. And that's just so far.
Because it's raining, and it's finals week, I am spending my day inside my house working on essays. Kosmos had work until 8 this morning and because of the storm, I had him come crash at my place. I figured while he's sleeping, I'd blog a little and maybe start working. It's not too bad where I live right now, though the wind makes driving less than fun. I don't know about anyone else, but I love the rain. I love the smell, I love the feel, all of it. Though I don't know how I feel about this heavy downpour. But we need it desperately. Plus, for those of us who stay inside during rain, it can cause some of us to actually get things done around the house, and what-not.
Anyways, for those of you taking finals, good luck. And for those of you also dealing with this storm, be safe.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Hey Readers!
It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.
Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.
Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.
Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.
Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.
And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.
And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
It's been a while, eh? Alright, let me catch you up on the major parts of the last three months and hopefully I'll be able to blog some more without such long hiatus.
Aight. First, let's talk pre-september, things I didn't mention. First, I started dating this guy in August who for the purposes of this blog, we're calling Kosmos. Second, my depression started acting up again, also august, but unrelated to really anything except chemical imbalances and the unwanted idea of the end of summer vacation.
Starting off the catch-up with September. Last time we caught up, it was right before my birthday. It actually went pretty well! Kosmos planned a bunch of stuff at two in the morning for me and managed to get a lot of people to come. We went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner. Oh, and my grandparents sent me an email letting me know a card was in the mail, which meant a lot given the circumstances. Fall quarter started. I had five classes, but I had to drop astronomy after day 2 because it was at 7:30 in the morning. Bleh. Anyways, the quarter started off mostly well. The only class (besides astronomy) that I really liked was Psych Stats. Still true. Though Writing was a breeze. And finally, my depression started getting worse.
Moving on to October. Things started getting difficult. The one-year anniversary of my dear friend Walker's death came around and it really got to me. Mixed in was the realization that my cat Silky, who had been a constant last year, was gone too, I felt the loss very strongly. I'll admit, I broke down a few times this month, sometimes I let people in, sometimes I didn't. Kosmos helped me through it a lot. He helped me find Walker's grave so I could visit and leave a spoon and he stayed by my side when I was in tears every time I needed it. To say that he was incredibly supportive is really an understatement. Especially since we were hitting month two right around the anniversary of Walker's death, and it's not something that is very easily taken in. Shout-outs to GI, FN, AG, and HN for the also amazing supportiveness when I called them in tears for support. It really means a lot to have friends like you.
Getting closer to caught up, we enter into November. Things started getting a little better. I'd started on anti-depressants by this point, but the jury was still out on whether they work (I'll give you a spoiler here, I'm still not totally sure. It'll take some more time to figure that out). Kosmos and I made an agreement to both apply to quite a few jobs. I made a trip to the mall to get my glasses fixed and figured since I was there, I'd pick up job applications. I texted Kosmos about this and he asked me to pick some up for him as well, which I did. He had dinner with my family for the first official time since we've been dating, though he'd met them plenty of times by now. Kosmos is hired to the job he least expected and I'm hired to two different ones, I made a mistake and work for one that I thought might be better, but as it turns out, it's not my favorite place. I guess it's good I'm only seasonal. And by the end of the month, things were starting to look grim again. I found out, I might fail my Human Biology class. I panicked and started doing the math, and re doing it, and re doing it, until I was sure I'd got it right and that I have a chance. Thanksgiving break rolls around, I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with Kosmos' family. I'm feeling really serious about this relationship. At this point, we'd had numerous "hypothetical" conversations about what we'd do if we were married, or had kids, or lived together. Not too nitty-gritty details, but things we can agree on, like what we want our dream house to look like and things like that. And the final detail of November, AG left to visit his girlfriend in Japan for a month and a half.
And now finally, we begin December. Not as much to catch up on since the month just started, but there's still quite a bit. Earlier this week, I discovered that despite all my calculations, I was even more likely to fail Bio because of the lab portion. I cried. Quite a bit. I've been stressed for a while about this and I finally just broke. I sat in my car for two hours crying and if I'm being completely honest, I'm so stressed about my grades, that I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to live to find out what my grade would be. I know, I know, that's a stupid reason to want to kill yourself. I know that grades aren't everything. I know that life goes on and things would work out, but you should all know that my mental state isn't always on point. And so, Tuesday, I was researching suicide methods and editing my plan. Yes, I've had a plan for a while. It's not really something you forget that you've made and when you're hitting these kinds of points, you don't remake the plan, you just edit and perfect it. But I know it's not a good option. Believe me, I've heard it all. That suicide isn't a way out, that it just transfers the pain to others, that it doesn't solve anything, all of it. And there's not a lot you can say to change my mind. Let me be clear though, I plan to live a hell of a lot longer. No need to panic. At least not yet. After Tuesday evening, I was able to hang out with Kosmos, HN, and FN. Kosmos was giving FN a ride home, but if he hadn't been, I'd have asked him to stay with me. In fact, I did anyways, and while he was totally prepared to, I decided that it was better he just give FN a ride and go home. Wednesday, Kosmos was in a car accident. Thank God he was okay, just minor whiplash, serious shock, and some small cuts and bruises. He hydroplaned and crashed into a highway wall. I of course met up with him as soon as possible and made sure he was alright. Thursday, I was almost in a car accident, but fortunately, Gertie (my beautifully old car) is still somewhat in shape and was able to stop in time to not hit the butthead who cut me off and slowed down to a near halt on the freeway. And to make things very clear, I wasn't speeding, I even tried to slow down prior to them cutting me off to let them in. They (and I) are very lucky no one was close behind me, or there would have been a pile-up. But I figure it happened cause I wasn't stressed out enough already, right? Amiright? But the day did improve, I figured out, I do in fact have a chance at passing Bio, a chance that keeps getting better and better as the points add up. And to also lessen the stress, my English Writing professor decided to just give me a take home test. How's that for awesome. Two of my four classes gave me take home finals. I think I'm going to rock finals week.
And now readers, I do believe you are caught up. Thank you and goodnight.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Hello Readers,
It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.
Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.
So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.
I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.
You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.
Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
It's that time of year again! The time of year when it gets close to my birthday and I rant about it. Last year, I talked about the one thing I wanted for my birthday and how it was the one thing I knew wouldn't happen. This year, it's kind of the same thing, but I feel much more capable of describing exactly why my birthday is so important to me and I can explain why I hate celebrating it.
Why is my birthday so important to me? Good question. I had a realization recently about why my birthday is so special. It's because for 364 days of the year, I try to be humble and compromise and for the most part accommodate others before my self. Do I do a perfect job of it? No, but that's beside the point. Outside of unique occasions such as performances, I try very hard to make sure that others get what they need and I try very hard to make sure others are able to enjoy their day even if it's at the cost of my own day. But my birthday is the one day of the year that I feel unique and special and important. Maybe it's vain. Maybe it's selfish, but it's the one day that I can celebrate totally unashamed that I have lived another year. That I am still alive and kicking. That I have such amazing friends and family around me. And quite frankly, I like to celebrate all of these things, with said friends and family. I honestly just want to be able to spend the time with them and enjoy my day. I want to actually have a birthday that I feel great about myself the whole day through.
So why do I hate celebrating my birthday? Because so far I can name one birthday that I remember being perfect and exactly what I want in a birthday. I won't go into it in this post, but in the last post I made about my birthday, I went into detail, so check that out if you want to hear that story.
I am an idealist you could say. I set expectations not for what will happen, but the emotional state of the day and I feel disappointed almost every year when I don't feel that way. I try to set my expectations lower for my birthday because if I don't make a huge deal out of it, it's my own fault for being hurt by it. And because I feel disappointed by my birthday almost every year, I don't know if I even want to celebrate it anymore. What's the point? On the one day of the year I want to feel the most special, I often ended up feeling that the least.
You may be wondering if something brought on this post and to be honest, yeah. Something is bothering me. Recently, Stormblades celebrated a major milestone birthday for Andy whose actual birthday is only a few days away from mine. Now, I understand wanting to party and celebrate for while, but I feel like his birthday has over shadowed mine a bit. After talking about birthdays, I mentioned mine is not that far off and when I mentioned when it was, most of their responses were along the lines of "Oh crud". Because pretty much everyone forgot. I got to spend an entire evening listening to them all making plans for their week about them having fun and doing all these things because they forgot that I wanted to celebrate mine too. Is it unreasonable to want to spend time with my friends around my birthday? Or to want to celebrate with them? I don't really think so, no. But this forgetting of my birthday gets better. Normally, around my birthday, I have extended family who send some very sweet cards to me. And normally, I get these cards at least a week in advance. Now it's possible that they got lost in the mail, but I've received nothing except a bank statement. So I feel like my family forgot too. I have plans to celebrate with some lunch bunch members and family, but now I don't know if I even want to do that. What's the point in celebrating my birthday, or even trying to when I just end up hurt and angry and upset by the whole thing? Maybe things will get better once it's over, but I guess for now, I'm just feeling incredibly pessimistic about the whole ordeal.
Anyways readers, thanks for sticking through with me on these rants. And I hope you all are having a better week than I am.
With Love,
PolarBearMoose <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)